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to be upset with my friend over this?

(144 Posts)
7evendwarves Tue 01-Jan-13 23:59:03

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:30:50

It can be normal for partners not to 'like' you seeing ex's,it is not normal for you to be ordered not to,and to be scared enough of disobeying that you start to fall out with other friends over your need to appease him.

Why was it on and off so much over the years?

CelineMcBean Wed 02-Jan-13 00:31:57

On good lord. Is this how adults really behave? Current p needs to get over himself and you need to stop letting him dictate what you can and can't do.

Please tell me you'll all be friends again before school starts next week...

Eeebygum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:33:41

In my experience, it isn't normal at all unless the ex was an abusive twat, which doesn't seem the case in your situation.

I really hope you realise that you do have a choice, and show your partner to the door if he doesn't like it.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:00

It is not normal to expect your partner to forgo any social occasion that their ex might be at, no.
It's controlling.

Equally, it is not normal to expect your friend to appease your boyfriend either.

This situation is not normal. In fact, it is worrying.

ILikeWhisperingToo Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:10

Your friend was slightly tactless, if it was a last minute change of plan.
BUT it pales into insignificance given the deeper issues with your dp.

Suggestion for conversation starter :-
"I was a bit annoyed with my friend changing plans for NYE, not like her, ANYway - it got me thinking, this whole "I don't want you seeing your ex" is a bit daft isn't it? We're pretty secure, respect each other, have trust etc? Well if there are social situations where ex is present, I am no longer going out of my way to avoid him. Its petty, immature and suggests there is a problem where there isn't".

Let his reaction be your guide.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:29

Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:42

Yes it's bad. Your dp is the problem. Have you wondered why you've been on and off with him? You're wearing blinkers by the sounds of it? Are you scared of being single? I couldn't be with someone this controlling.
My dp spends time with his exdw sometimes, at family events. I also get along well with my exdh and dp. Dp sometimes drinks in a pub where there's an ex of his and I don't always go. She's a nice woman but even if she wasn't I wouldn't care if he sat talking to her all night. I'm not insecure.

You need to think very carefully about this and not put so much blame on your friend. She must feel very torn.

Do you like the exp? Is he really and exdp or a bf?

MalibuStac Wed 02-Jan-13 00:35:46

I frequently sit in the company of dps EX P I don't particularly like her due to how she treated DP an DSS but we are adults and at times are in the same place at the same time. It would be ridiculous to tell DP he can't see her or him to say the same about my exP. He's controlling you and you need to see this for yourself.

Your friend is not being unreasonable in fact she's probably trying to get you to see what he's doing. Not everyone will get on in life but no-one can order you to stop seeing others.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:04

thing is tho 7evendwarves why should your ex or your friend miss out because you don't want to "rock the boat"?

If you are truly happy with the status quo (and this thread suggests that you are not) then it is you that will have to miss out.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:44

OP, yes,a lot of boyfriends may not love the idea of their girlfriend hanging out with their ex, but not being able you attend a night out he's on, with your boyfriend there as well is very odd. and frankly you should always have a choice about what you do and who you do it with, even if he doesn't like it, he should love and respect you enough to let you do as you see fit.

juniperdewdrop Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:46

So what would he do if you didn't give in? Leave you? Get angry? The first would be preferable tbh. He sounds a git.

noblegiraffe Wed 02-Jan-13 00:36:47

Normal not to want you to have intimate dates with your ex, not normal to insist that you are never in the same room as them ever again. Unless they have good reason to be jealous like you cheated on them with ex.

MrsFlibble Wed 02-Jan-13 00:37:47

Most of us probably would be wary about a partner seeing an ex, but in a social setting in a room full of others and your not allowed, cant you see how ridiculous that sounds, does he think your gonna shag your ex in a room full of others.

And your friend can invite who she likes, just because you take the bullshit, doesnt mean she has too.

Your DP is playing the old divide and conquer game on you, and your falling like a good un.

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:38:40

Maybe your friend agrees that he is controlling and has a temper OP, and rightly isn't willing to be bullied by him like you are. Why on earth did you get back with him?

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:39:04

Oh I very rarely say fact I could probably count it on the fingers of a KitKat

But dump the wanker....he has issues that you've not been able to help resolve in the past so what makes you think it can be done now?

Your friend sounds like a decent, normal woman who doesn't take shit from this muppet.

You'd do well to learn from her.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:39:45

'Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in.'

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship,get out now.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:15

So you are scared of him then?

ComposHat Wed 02-Jan-13 00:40:55

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs

Seeing or not seeing your ex-partner is not the real issue here.

What is really disturbing is that he feels that can tell you what to do and you meekly obey. That isn't how adult relationships work and I would run a mile. A big well done to your mate for not being cowed by him and his petty and controlling demands.

For what it is worth, I don't think it is normal for partners to not like you seeing your ex partner. I think my fiancée's ex partner is great and he will be a guest at our wedding this year. Out of interest I asked her what she'd say If I tried to stop her seeing an ex-boyfriend and she responded in the way that any self respecting adult would she'd tell me to 'piss off I'll see who I like'

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:41:47

I find it hard to accept that everyone thinks it is this bad. I do want things to work out with dp, I also want to not be isolated with friends. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Millie I guess it's because I love him.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:42:53

"Hilda we have had issues which is why it has been on and off. I guess he can be quite controlling and can have a temper.

I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter currently. I tried to say no to him, but he persisted till I gave in."

I really think you should be thinking about getting out of this relationship, and I don't say that often.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:42:59

Melody I'm not scared of him, but I am worried how he would react if I told him I was going to see ex p.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:43:38

Oh Christ on a bike......I'm going to have to leave this thread.We're all wrong,and he's right???

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:06

Worried as in he'll dump you?

Tell him yourself a favour.

Do you have kids OP?

Angelfootprints Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:07

Has your dp actually stopped you seeing other friends though op? Or is it just the ex?

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:44:07

So you are scared of him.

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