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I don't want Step mum at wedding :(

(79 Posts)
brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:48

Me and my parner are planning a small family wedding (20 guests of immediate family. The problem arises fromteh fact thatmydad had an affair about 10 years ago with my now step mother. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. She was nasty to me and my sisters (malicious letters, phonecalls, empty xmas pressies etc there is a whole lot more...) Despite all this my dad seems to believe there is not a problem?! I didn't speak to my dad for several years as a result, but he has just recently moved to the same town as me

I have wanted to rebuild my our relationship, but still don't like being around his wife as I know she is cunning, deceitful and can't be trusted. She is very nice to my face, and I am polite back, as I am trying to be civil as I enjoy seeing my dad again - just not her. My dad never speaks to me without her being there and I honestly feel hurt that he won't spend time alone with me to rebuild our relationship.

My mum is obviously still very upset with the circumstances and both me and my sister feel like we are betraying her by having contact with dad.This is compounded by out gran making remarks anytime we have contact with dad. My other two sisters seem to have forgiven all and pander to my step mother. They admit they are nice to her to prevent her from causing trouble for them.

She tried to accuse my dog of biting my sister when she was young in an attempt to get it put to sleep as she knew I was very attached - I used this dog to help me get over the hurt of my dad telling me " i'll always chose her, before dumping me on a train back to my mum." And she even waited until my 16th birthday meal to announce that my other dog had died (2 weeks previously, but yet she saved it for my birthday to tell me the bad news!) My little sister has had a baby and she even tried phoning Social Services on her for no reason at all (honestly) during her first month of being a mother ( anon,but we knew it was her due to previous dealings!) She is very good at playing the innocentand I really cant stand it,but I with the risk of sounding immature, I don't want to let her 'win' and have mestop contact with mydad again.

Anyhoo, to cut a long story short my partner doesnt want my stepmum at wedding as he sees how much she upsets me and even he has tried to get on with her but can't as he doesn't trust her! I don't want to spend our wedding day in such an intimate setting worrying aboutstep mum behaving or mymum being uncomfortable and I dont want any fights. I know people say that surely for one day they can grow up and get on - but in reality there is a lot of hurt and hate which when mixed with booze could be uncomfortable.

I don't know wether to simply not invite my dad and his wife and jst have a meal for them to celebrate, OR JUST INVITE MY DAD AND RISK HER MALICIOUS ACTS as a result. Ironically I really dont want to hurt my dads feelings,but getting frustrated as no one in my family seems to be acknowledging how I feel.

Do I invite or not, that is the question (dilema)...

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 07:15:33

Eerrr your Dad is her enabler and he had the affair that is his fault as much as OW. Do not invite either of them they are not good enough for you.

Tryharder Tue 01-Jan-13 07:29:33

I wouldn't invite either of them. Why build bridges with someone who doesn't want to meet you halfway?

dolcelatte Tue 01-Jan-13 07:51:13

I would have a meal for them, as you suggest. Definitely don't just invite your Dad - that is a recipe for disaster. Or get married abroad, as someone else suggested. Either way, I wouldn't divulge any information about venue etc, for the reasons identified above.

You want to achieve two things; first, you want your wedding day to be happy and stress free; secondly, you want to continue your relationship with your father. If you say that you are very sorry and that you would love them to come etc, but it's all a bit awkward because of your mum and you will have a separate celebration with them, then I don't see how they cannot be understanding.

SM sounds like a bit of a nutter and very insecure - such people can be dangerous and it is better not to antagonise them if you can avoid it. You have to accept that your relationship with your dad will never be perfect, but it is better than it was and you don't want to spoil that.

Oh and take them a piece of wedding cake!

CSIJanner Tue 01-Jan-13 08:01:48

It's your day - if she's that toxic, do you really want her there? From what youve said, she isnt at all interested in your happiness, so why involve her in the happiest day of your life? Your wedding, your choice. If the only thing that is holding you back is the fallout afterwards, then cut her out of your life and make it clear to your dad as to why. He's a grown man who made a choice many years ago, and now it's time for him to choose whether to meet you alone and rebuild your relationship. Am sorry petal, but I have a feeling I know which way he will choose... sad

What you need to hold onto is the fact that you'll have your new husband, your mum and sisters and can take a start point from your wedding day to cut out such a person from your life. Why bring the old toxic characters into your newly married life? And ring all your suppliers etc telling them to make a note of what number called etc.

Is it a church wedding? You can always get your brother, uncle or mum to give you away. It seems like your dad has chosen his new wife over his nearest and dearest, so you could argue that he has forfeited that privilege.

Although devils advocate - he could have realised what she was like years ago but as he had the affair and like your sisters, for an easy life, he just puts his head down to prevent trouble. But that doesn't excuse his ignoring the fact that she has behaved badly to you in the past or some of her other actions. Personally for me, I wouldn't invite either of them and concentrate on what I have as it seems like your dad doesn't want to meet you on his own, only with her. However it seems like you do want to have your dad there so tell invite him and let him know she's not invited. If she starts her tricks, then ring him and tell him that his wife's actions are going to ruin his daughters wedding day. If he doesn't get her to stop then he's not going to change am afraid, and at which point, you should think about withdrawing the invite.

stuffthenonsense Tue 01-Jan-13 08:04:07

I get the feeling there is more to this than is being told.
For example, the incident about the dog, you remember it as her deliberately wanting to upset you on your birthday but could it possibly be that she felt if kinder to tell in person rather than by phone, that this is a case of good intentions being skewed by disharmonious relationships? If your dog had died two weeks earlier than you clearly hadn't been to visit your dad for at least two weeks or you'd have known. Perhaps, just perhaps, this was not malicious at all but unfortunate. Could there be alternative motives to any of the things you are saying but your (deserved) anger has altered your vision?
I speak as a stepdaughter who believed her stepmother was treating her husband (my dad) abysmally but when I put aside my hatred and talked to her it was not the case and we worked together and were both best of friends at his death bed. He died with a smile.

It's your wedding though, and you should invite who you want, and be firm.

Narked Tue 01-Jan-13 09:05:42

Did you miss the 'malicious letters ... empty Xmas presents' StuffTheNonsense?

NC78 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:17:55

Don't invite either of them. It's their own fault.

At least if she kicks off about it she will be no where near you or your wedding.

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 01-Jan-13 09:17:58

She sounds likes malicious bitch and a bully so no, don't invite her. You need to stand up to her even if it means your spineless fool of a dad is upset (tough)

Don't let her cause you anymore upset - she sounds vile.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Jan-13 09:34:38

I personally would invite either. As a minimum please don't invite her it could sp

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 01-Jan-13 09:35:47

(sorry posted too soon) spoil your special day- even if she doesn't cause Upset on the day- you would feel on edge about what she might do

TinkerMcJingles Tue 01-Jan-13 09:51:21

If you invite her then IMO you are disrespecting your mother. To me, that would make my decision easier. So what if your dad can't come. From what I have heard, just the fact that he enables your step-mother's behaviour makes him jointly responsible for it.

KittyFane1 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:57:45

There are always two sides to a story. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. says a lot.
Your father left your Mum. He is the one who betrayed her unless this woman was your Mum's friend. It's possible that she didn't stand a chance from the word go and your toxic relationship may be built on you and your family blaming her for the fact that your father was disloyal and a cheat. If she's always been disliked, she may be the type to become spiteful in return.
As it stands, don't invite them. Your relationship with them isn't good enough to play happy families.

rainbow2000 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:02:28

Dont invite them as your Dad says he will always choose her so let him have her.You choose your dp and other family members.
I would tell no one the venue or anything until closer to the time incase sm finds out and stuff gets cancelled.
Hope out enjoy your day op.

Shelby2010 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:05:28

Your parents split up when you were a child, at that time it was your father's responsibility to minimise the effect this had on you. Even though we don't have his side of the story it sounds like he abandoned you emotionally during that time & enabled the behaviour of his wife. For example, why did he leave it to her to inform you of your dogs death?

If he was now making sincere efforts to rebuild your relationship then I would consider inviting him (alone) to the wedding. However, if he won't even see you on your own then how can you rebuild the lost trust? Don't invite either of them, your day will be much more comfortable without the stress. If you don't have a close male relative, ask your mum to walk you down the aisle, or maybe your FIL-to-be if you have a good relationship.

Not sure about the best way to inform you Dad about this, other than to make sure your sisters don't tell him first. But follow other posters advice about protecting your bookings etc

Mockingcurl Tue 01-Jan-13 10:10:43

Years ago I was in almost the identical situation. I just invited my dad and told him why I didn't want step mum there. If he chose not to come then that was up to him.
He came by himself (late mind you) and no more was said about it.
That was 30 years ago. Step mum and I have been civil to each other ever since, but no more.
It's your wedding, do what you want.

lisad123everybodydancenow Tue 01-Jan-13 10:22:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susanann Tue 01-Jan-13 10:42:38

I wouldnt invite either of them and like someone else said why would you want him in your life anyway.He sounds horrible, hes not a father hes a sperm donor!
It will ruin your day more if he/they come (tension etc) than if they dont in my opinion.

Cerealqueen Tue 01-Jan-13 10:47:35

There is no way I'd invite somebody who I disliked this much to my wedding, and who will cast a shadow whilst there. Don't invite her. If your dad doesn't like it then tough shit, he made his bed, he can lie on it. How did he think such events would pan out when he chose to shag behind is wife's back and tell his daughters he would choose his new wife over them?

YANBU, have a lovely day.

LeeCoakley Tue 01-Jan-13 10:53:45

I would just explain to both of them why they are not welcome, they both sound horrid. As for having someone to 'give away' the op - yikes! This is the 21st century, no one has to be given away like a possession. The op can walk down the aisle on her own, or with whoever she wants to accompany her. I'm sure she wasn't even considering her father for that purpose anyway, he gave her away a long time ago by the sound of it. I really hope op, that you can get this problem out of the way soon and enjoy the run up to your big day and just be surrounded by the people you love.

ledkr Tue 01-Jan-13 10:55:09

It's different when the step parent has been the partial cause of your parents marriage break up.
My ds's refuse to speak to my xh partner as they remember the hurt that their affair and subsequent behaviour caused us all. They sat with me whilst I cried with total shock and helped raise their baby sister who he left me with. They haven't got married yet but do not invite her to other events but do invite their dad who does come.
Dd gets on very well with ow though because she never saw any if the fall out.
I think if it will ruin your day then just don't ask her. She isn't close family is she?

jamdonut Tue 01-Jan-13 11:14:50

My personal feeling is you shouldn't invite either, and when aked why tell them the truth. Don't feel guilty. Seems like you don't want to blame your Dad, but it was his choice to leave all those years ago.

And agree with posters who suggest you tell caterers and venue etc about possibility of malicious cancellings.

TidyDancer Tue 01-Jan-13 11:15:50

There is a similar situation in my family. A relative was abused (physically and emotionally) by her stepmother and her father did nothing to stop it. Horrific situation. Relative's moron of a brother keeps trying to put them in a room together despite being told of what went on (some of it he would've seen). Relative won't have the abuser at her wedding, idiot brother is taking stepmother's side. Why is anyone's guess. Their father is taking the stance of "it's both of us or neither of us", backed up by idiot brother. This has put the bride in the difficult and upsetting position of likely not having her father to give her away.

Mayisout Tue 01-Jan-13 11:26:22

You can't forgive the Ow for what she did to your mum but really, what your DF did to your mum was much worse, surely, he was her husband, ow was a stranger.
You say your mum is 'obviously still upset with the circumstances' but the affair was 10 years ago. That's a long time.
SM sounds truly horrible but because your DF is willing to accept it there is little you can do about it.
If you can afford to go for some counselling about these past events it might help you accept the situation and concentrate on your own life and your own family. You sound as if you feel a responsibility for keeping everyone happy but that isn't your job.
It's difficult to see what to do for the best with regard to the wedding. Perhaps an honest talk with your DF by phone where you say you really want him to give you away but don't want SM there and see what he says then take it from there.

elizaregina Tue 01-Jan-13 11:31:44

First of all you have my full commiserations - so horrid when planning something so wonderful to be cherished as a wedding that there are people and elements whom bring the whole thing down.

We had a small wedding too - and agnoised over inviting in laws, as wedding was so small and there was no chance of them being " diluted" in a larger party we agreed to invite them to the church only. They didnt get back to us for ages and ages - it was cloud yet again from them and as i came up to the church door - the first face i saw was my sils whom i dislike. The video of the wedding seems to be turned on them - twitching thru the service not paying attention.

In short - dont do it - I wouldnt invite your dad either.

Xmas, weddings - all the same emotionally charged things - you think the world will collapse if so and so isnt invited.

But you only have one shot at a wedding day - and inviting people with a precedence of bad behaviour will make you anxious - even if they are ok on the day. In a small wedding i would say definalty take the bull by the horns and say no to either of them.

You have one chance - you dont want to ruin it or the build up worrying....and indeed put the big day at risk itself.

elizaregina Tue 01-Jan-13 11:32:56

fwiw i do know of a few weddings where certain parties werent invited and everyone survived - including excluded ones ...

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