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I don't want Step mum at wedding :(

(79 Posts)
brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:48

Me and my parner are planning a small family wedding (20 guests of immediate family. The problem arises fromteh fact thatmydad had an affair about 10 years ago with my now step mother. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. She was nasty to me and my sisters (malicious letters, phonecalls, empty xmas pressies etc there is a whole lot more...) Despite all this my dad seems to believe there is not a problem?! I didn't speak to my dad for several years as a result, but he has just recently moved to the same town as me

I have wanted to rebuild my our relationship, but still don't like being around his wife as I know she is cunning, deceitful and can't be trusted. She is very nice to my face, and I am polite back, as I am trying to be civil as I enjoy seeing my dad again - just not her. My dad never speaks to me without her being there and I honestly feel hurt that he won't spend time alone with me to rebuild our relationship.

My mum is obviously still very upset with the circumstances and both me and my sister feel like we are betraying her by having contact with dad.This is compounded by out gran making remarks anytime we have contact with dad. My other two sisters seem to have forgiven all and pander to my step mother. They admit they are nice to her to prevent her from causing trouble for them.

She tried to accuse my dog of biting my sister when she was young in an attempt to get it put to sleep as she knew I was very attached - I used this dog to help me get over the hurt of my dad telling me " i'll always chose her, before dumping me on a train back to my mum." And she even waited until my 16th birthday meal to announce that my other dog had died (2 weeks previously, but yet she saved it for my birthday to tell me the bad news!) My little sister has had a baby and she even tried phoning Social Services on her for no reason at all (honestly) during her first month of being a mother ( anon,but we knew it was her due to previous dealings!) She is very good at playing the innocentand I really cant stand it,but I with the risk of sounding immature, I don't want to let her 'win' and have mestop contact with mydad again.

Anyhoo, to cut a long story short my partner doesnt want my stepmum at wedding as he sees how much she upsets me and even he has tried to get on with her but can't as he doesn't trust her! I don't want to spend our wedding day in such an intimate setting worrying aboutstep mum behaving or mymum being uncomfortable and I dont want any fights. I know people say that surely for one day they can grow up and get on - but in reality there is a lot of hurt and hate which when mixed with booze could be uncomfortable.

I don't know wether to simply not invite my dad and his wife and jst have a meal for them to celebrate, OR JUST INVITE MY DAD AND RISK HER MALICIOUS ACTS as a result. Ironically I really dont want to hurt my dads feelings,but getting frustrated as no one in my family seems to be acknowledging how I feel.

Do I invite or not, that is the question (dilema)...

Bogeyface Tue 01-Jan-13 02:22:21

Invite your dad and not her.

Let all your wedding suppliers know that they may receive malicious calls cancelling your bookings and that they are to call you at the number you have given them to confirm it before actually cancelling. Tell them that if they dont do this then you will not be paying any cancellation fees. As someone who has worked in the wedding industry I can tell you that this is more common than you would think. An ex of a client of mine once cancelled her venue, catering, band, and dress order, it does happen.

Whatever she does will just show her up as the person she is, and hopefully one day your dad will see it too.

Bogeyface Tue 01-Jan-13 02:23:31

Oh and put it in writing that if they dont confirm with you any cancellations then you will be taking them to court for the cost of the replacement orders, that usually focuses them!

MerryChristMoose Tue 01-Jan-13 02:23:59

No. It's your day and your partner's. If you don't want her there then don't invite her!

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 01-Jan-13 02:24:17

I think I would invite her. But only if you really want your dad to be present.

It's obviously a horrible situation to be in. If you want your Dad to attend then you have to invite her really (it's not likely he'd attend without her). If you think the day itself would be better without them,invite neither.

It is your wedding day. It's what will make you happy that matters. If doesn't seem as though you Dad has made the effort to deserve to be a part of your wedding.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 01-Jan-13 02:24:50

*it not if

SantasENormaSnob Tue 01-Jan-13 02:47:42

I wouldn't invite her.

And I wouldn't be that arsed whether my dad was there or not tbh.

chewingguminmyhair Tue 01-Jan-13 02:53:10

So don't invite her. End.

catwomanlikesmeatballs Tue 01-Jan-13 02:53:57

I'm a great believer in not engaging with or indulging toxic people in any way (including for the 'sake of others'), it gives them power over you. She sounds like a very malicious woman, don't give her the opportunity to ruin your big day. Invite your dad without her, if he has a problem with that, tough. He chooses to spend his life with such a toxic individual, he's not entitled to inflict her on everyone else.

If she causes any trouble, complain to him and if he doesn't stop it, disinvite him, any upset on his part will be his own fault. If necessary make a complaint to the police for harassment if she does anything illegal.

If your father truly wants a relationship with you then he won't tolerate his venomous wife abusing you. If he doesn't care enough, then he's not worth it, leave him be. You can't make people what you want them to be, take or leave them for what they are.

chewingguminmyhair Tue 01-Jan-13 02:54:37

"Oh but I have to invite her..."

Well, then invite her then.

Sorry to jump ahead a few posts. Just looking into my crystal ball.

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 02:56:21

I wouldnt want my dad anywhere near me, if he thinks a cunning, deceitful, backstabbing bitch is more important than his kids, he made his choice, he should have to live with it.

TheUnsinkableTitanic Tue 01-Jan-13 03:01:00

i'm with some of the others - wouldn't invite him or her

your dad allowed alot of these things to happen ie announcing the death of a dog that had died 2 weeks previous. how did he explain that??

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 03:03:15

your dad allowed alot of these things to happen ie announcing the death of a dog that had died 2 weeks previous. how did he explain that??

And on your birthday too, thats just cruel from both of them.

CooEeeEldridge Tue 01-Jan-13 03:26:17

Either you want to rebuild things or you don't.

I'd wouldn't invite either, it should be your mums day - she is the one solid person In your life.

Why should you & she be uncomfortable on your special day?

He'll always choose her, remember?

holidaysarenice Tue 01-Jan-13 04:11:26

My friend has a similar situation, she didn't invite her to chruch or reception but did invite her to the evening party. She kicked up about it but it didn't get her anywhere.

My friend explained it as respecting both parents, used phrases like, I'm sure you understand the difficult position etc. No bad feeling etx

I wud suggest talking to ur dad, say how much it means to have him walk you down the aisle, he'll be gushing about it.

curiousuze Tue 01-Jan-13 05:05:56

Invite neither of them.

Astelia Tue 01-Jan-13 05:46:27

A few questions come to mind-do you want your father to walk you down the aisle? Have you got someone else you are close to who can do the job? If you ask your dad to come will he refuse to come without his wife and if so does that matter to you?

I think your dad has been as much at fault over all the nasty behaviour as your SM. If you have someone else who you would like to walk you down the aisle then I think I would ask them and I wouldn't invite either your dad or SM.

However if you want to build bridges this could be an opportunity- it depends how you want the future to pan out.

ChasedByBees Tue 01-Jan-13 05:53:09

I would invite neither. Usually I would say be kind to a SM but this woman is so malicious and manipulative, I couldn't invite her. I think if you invite just your dad you leave yourself open to the type of retaliation that bogeyface describes (and she has excellent advice BTW). I think also she would hold a grudge and play a long game and potentially try and punish you for this for years.

Don't let your relationship with your dad (or not) be about her winning. It's about you and him alone and he doesn't sound blameless. If he wouldn't meet me on his own, that would be it for me.

Fairylea Tue 01-Jan-13 06:21:20

I had the same problem.

I talked to my dad about it because I didn't want to invite him only and have her turn up anyway and run the risk of embarrassment with the table plans etc.

(Long back story, she's absolutely vile to me).

Dad was a bit angry and I was prepared to accept that he wouldn't come either but in the end it worked out ok and she didn't come but he did. It was fine.

I think you need to speak to your dad about it and explain she isn't invited otherwise you could have her turn up anyway thinking the invite was meant for her too and you just omitted her name.

Mosman Tue 01-Jan-13 06:38:49

My arseholes of parents still managed to ruin my wedding day despite having been divorced 20 years. If this is still relatively raw as you're relationship with your day, not the divorce itself and the silly games are continuing I would go and get married abroad, take your mum, sister and offer to pay for your dad.
It'll be a) cheaper b) more of an event, wedding days fly by very quickly, so much expense and planning and it'll be over before you know it and then there's that flat feeling. c) abroad it's all about who you want there not who you feel you should invite or people making up the numbers on the dance floor.

TheSloppelganger Tue 01-Jan-13 06:45:32

I think having a small wedding will work in your favour here.

If you were having 100+ guests you'd have a bit of a job trying to explain to your dad why she couldn't be one of them without coming down to the real reason - she is toxic and you (understandably) don't like her and don't want her there.

But if you've only got 20 or so people coming (especially if most of them are close to your mum?) then you might be able to talk to your dad and explain that although you respect that SM is his choice of wife and that he loves her, that it would really be quite awkward to have her there in such a small crowd of people who all love/respect your mum and resent/dislike SM for what happened.

That the inevitable tension and potential for fall out between step-mum and pretty much everyone else would really spoil your day - and probably wouldn't be nice for SM either. I mean really - who would want to go to a wedding where most of the guests are glaring at you and thinking nasty thoughts?

If your dad isn't a completely self-absorbed fuckwit then he will accept that his daughter having a nice relaxed conflict-free wedding day is more important than his own desire to bring his wife to an occasion where her presence has the potential to cause a good deal of discomfort.

If he can't accept that his daughter's happiness and peace of mind on her wedding day is more important than his need to have his poisonous OW wife there then don't invite him either - he is an arse.

Agree with Bogeyface too, if SM and your dad end up pissed off (and not invited) I would make sure you don't suffer from malicious cancellations.

At the very least have a chat to your venue and make sure they won't cancel your booking without double checking with you - just in case SM is feeling spiteful.

TiggyR Tue 01-Jan-13 07:02:22

Don't invite her then. It is your wedding. The only time you should tolerate anyone there who you hate is if your fiancé wants them there, and I doubt he does.

Jemma1111 Tue 01-Jan-13 07:09:27

I would definitely not invite her and if you want your dad to be there you should make it crystal clear to him that she is not to turn up , and tell him why.
Although he should know why .

I would tell him that you really want him to attend but if he won't come alone then so be it.
If you did invite her she would find a way to upset your day as she sounds a right vindictive bitch .

misterwife Tue 01-Jan-13 07:12:59

I'm with most people here - if your dad won't speak to you without her being there, then it's clear that they come as a pair and that neither of them deserve an invite.

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