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To not want to drive a friend around for funeral with my kids in tow?

(70 Posts)
harryhausen Mon 31-Dec-12 11:24:04

I really can't tell if I'm being an awful friend or not. Please give me some perspective.

My best friend is off to a funeral next week. He doesn't drive. He wants to support his close friend who was very close to the deceased, but she is travelling in the official funeral car. So he needs transport.

He asked nicely yesterday if I would drive him to the church, and the cremetorium and then drive him home. I will have my two dcs with me 7 and 5 yrs. I said no problem to driving him to the church as I know where it is, and I have a friend nearby I could call in on to visit for an hour. Its about 30mins away. However, I've looked at the details he's given me and the crematorium is on other side of the city in an area I don't know. It would take about an hour. I have no sat nav, am not good at looking at maps and driving to find places I don't know.

To top it off, the kids would miss their swimming lessons.

Now my friend is a good friend. He very supportive of me, and I of him. We go back a long way. He's done some lovely things for me in the past.

So am I being unreasonable for saying I will drive him to the church in the afternoon, but really don't want to wait for him, drive him all the way back across the city, wait for him again at the crematorium (with two dc's)....then drive him home?

welliesandpyjamas Mon 31-Dec-12 11:26:45

I would help him. It's a sad time and he feels like he can ask you for support.

TWinklyLittleStar Mon 31-Dec-12 11:28:22

Sorry but YABU. He's a good friend needing support, he's not asking to be driven round the January sales.

shinyblackgrape Mon 31-Dec-12 11:28:46

Do you have an iPhone? You can down load free sat nav to that

HecatePropolos Mon 31-Dec-12 11:29:32

I think because you said yes, you really should. Plus, you say he's a really good friend.

You've already committed to helping him. Are you really going to say oh, btw, I checked where the crem is and I've realised it's too far and so I can't help you after all...

Is there anyone who can babysit for you and you actually attend the funeral as well?

Or if you really can't help him after all, and you have to tell him that, is there anyone who is also going to the funeral he can go with? Or will he be unable to go if you pull out now?

I think if there's a way you can make it work, you should. Friends put themselves out for one another at times.

JeezyOrangePips Mon 31-Dec-12 11:30:13

I would offer a compromise. Tell him that you can take him to the church and home after, but that you have other plans later in the day so you can't take him to the crematorium.

If it was me, and I had no plans then I would do everything I could, but you have the kids to think about too.

cinnamonnut Mon 31-Dec-12 11:30:48

Any chance at all he could get a taxi, or is that ruled out financially?

Trills Mon 31-Dec-12 11:30:57

At the time that he needs a favour you are busy doing something that you have already paid for (swimming lessons).

Isn't there anyone else he can ask?

TWinklyLittleStar Mon 31-Dec-12 11:31:07

jeezy the kids are 7 & 5, not tiny babies, it won't do them any harm to see mum putting herself out for one day to help someone in need.

Coconutty Mon 31-Dec-12 11:32:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrumpkin Mon 31-Dec-12 11:32:58

Yanbu. Surely once he's there he could find someone else with an empty seat n their car.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 31-Dec-12 11:33:00

Its really difficult laying a close friend to rest. And dreadful leaving a funeral unaccompanied. Would you want that?

NUFC69 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:33:20

I would help him too. On the issue of not knowing the way to the crematorium - I really wouldn't worry about it. I went to my uncle's funeral in a large city which I didn't know - the church was just across the road from his house, but the crem was miles away. After the church service, everyone just got into their cars and followed the hearse: it was no trouble, the traffic just stopped for us and I don't think anyone got separated from the procession. The funeral directors handed out magnetic flags to stick to the roof of the car so it was obvious that you were part of the procession; however I have also followed the hearse without any visible aid and it was no problem.

Nancy66 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:33:44

it sounds like he doesn't even know the deceased. It's a friend of a friend isn't it?

It's very nice that he wants to support a friend but he needs to find a way of doing that without massively inconveniencing somebody else.

As has been said elsewhere on MN non-drivers can be very demanding.

FestiveElement Mon 31-Dec-12 11:33:59

I'd take him to the church and pick him up after its all finished. It's highly likely that he will be able to get lifts with other mourners between the church and crematorium.

There always seems to be people at funerals with space in their cars willing to offer lifts between the place where the ceremony/cremation/wake takes place.

Bluefrogs Mon 31-Dec-12 11:34:03

Yabu,if this is your best friend then that's what friends do.
How would you feel if you were in that situation and your best friend said no,it's a funeral they arent asking for you to drive them to a party.
Yes you have kids to think about but this is one day,surely your kids can fit in around this?And wouldn't it be a great lesson in compassion and helping friends?

Binkybix Mon 31-Dec-12 11:34:20

I think you should do it if you can. Friends help each other with things like this. It's only one week of swimming lessons. Could a friend look after your DC/take them swimming maybe?

McNewPants2013 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:34:45

a close friend i would do it in a heart beat.

SantasENormaSnob Mon 31-Dec-12 11:35:29

Can't he get a taxi?

Is the friend who is close to the deceased even that bothered about him going?

I only ask as my friend came to my dads funeral to support me and tbh, I wish she hadn't.

emmam25 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:36:08

I would also suggest taking him to the church, surely there will be people who would be at the church going on to the crem who could give him a lift? offer to pick him up if he's absolutely stuck later in the day. but getting home is less time critical than getting there on time iyswim so using public transport less of an issue. IMO it's a very, very big favour to ask someone with 2 kids to give up an entire day to ferry you around even if they are your best friend.

Montybojangles Mon 31-Dec-12 11:37:52

I would do that for a good friend. It's only a couple of hours. Print off directions from rac routplanner.

JeezyOrangePips Mon 31-Dec-12 11:38:54

Twinkly, thank you for clarifying the ages of the children. Despite being able to read and understand the op's post I am incapable of seeing that for myself.

Despite this 'new' information, I stand by what I said.

I'm sure the children see their mum prioritise others regularly.

TWinklyLittleStar Mon 31-Dec-12 11:44:12

Rather a rude response there jeezy, I was pointing out the difference between older children and smaller ones not suggesting you can't read.

ZenNudist Mon 31-Dec-12 11:45:26

Take him to the church, show willing but let him cadge a lift to the crem & back or taxi it. He is an adult and should learn to get himself about. It's a selfish imposition and all these good hearted souls who would do it must have time on their hands.

If your best friend actually knew the deceased it would be a tiny bit more reasonable.

mrsjay Mon 31-Dec-12 11:47:13

id take him yabu and the kids can miss their lessons for 1 week, saying all that is there nobody who can take him to the crematorium or bring him home their is usually people who can offer lifts maybe he is to shy to ask suggest an alternative to him, if not take him

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