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AIBU?

To wish he hadn't bothered?!

15 replies

tiredchocoholic · 30/12/2012 22:45

We have had quite a bit of expense recently so DH and I agreed we would only buy small token gifts this Christmas. In the week leading up to Christmas, he repeatedly asked what I wanted and I repeatedly gave him a few ideas, but also said I would be fine with nothing from him as he was v v generous with my Birthday gift in November (we went shopping together, he paid). Anyhow....he evidently did a mad dash around the local m&s and a gift shop nearby as he produced a goody-bag containing the perfume I had hoped for, as well as several other gifts. Basically, I feel as though he has wasted his money on additional things for the sake of it as he has bought things I generally don't use (eg slippers, subscription to a magazine I don't like, a diary, a huge book on Downton Abbey that I have no interest in reading). I'm conscious that this makes me sound like a spoilt, ungrateful cow and I honestly don't mean to be..... I genuinely would have been ok with no presents, and I wasn't even expecting the perfume. What has upset me is the fact that I know he did a last minute 'panic shop' and he didn't put any real thought or effort into it - just money, which we are trying to save! He works bloody hard so doesn't have much time, I know, but with every year that passes (we have been together for 14, married for 11) I feel as though I am slipping down his priority list and he is becoming less aware of what I like / dislike etc. Seriously, the gifts he bought me are the sort of thing that would be a 'safe bet' for an Auntie or someone you don't know very well! He used to be so romantic and thoughtful. I'm very tired and am possibly over-analyzing here, but either way it is making me feel sad and unsure as to whether to talk to him about it or whether I should just pull myself together and get over it!!! So, AIBU?????

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Shakey1500 · 30/12/2012 22:50

YABU. The presents weren't "garage flower-esque". At least there was the perfume you wanted and a few extras he obviously thought you'd like. I think it's thoughtful and sweet :)

LaCiccolina · 30/12/2012 22:50

Pull self together. Let this go. Just give him more direction next time; I don't want much this year but this this and this if u need to should be fine.

Nobody should believe another person when they say don't buy me another gift surely?! Would everyone secretly hope for something? I'd kill mine but then tbh wouldn't ever say it!

CailinDana · 30/12/2012 22:51

I would say give him a break and let it go, but then I don't place much value on presents. Other things such as genuine affection care and support are far more important - do you feel you get those?

ohfunnyFRANKENface · 30/12/2012 22:52

Let it go- you're over analysing.

They sound nice.

ShiftyFades · 30/12/2012 22:53

Yabu. The perfume is what you wanted, the others were to pad it out to look more.
My DH goes out at 10pm the night before my birthday, buys cards and a DVD.... I'm lucky to get it in a pretty bag.

FelicityWasSanta · 30/12/2012 22:53

He tried to be kind. Don't overanalyse and talk to him nearer to next Christmas about what your present expectations really are.

peaceandlovebunny · 30/12/2012 22:56

i wish people wouldn't make such a fuss about presents. give him a list, not hints. i can't mind-read and i bet he can't either.

tiredchocoholic · 30/12/2012 23:08

Thanks for replying everyone. Just to clarify, though - I did give him a small list and whilst I'm not remotely bothered I didn't get given anything (other than the perfume, obviously!) from the list, I am a bit upset that he must have spent £100 on items I don't like / won't use, when we agreed we would save instead...

OP posts:

formerpank · 30/12/2012 23:09

Oh dear, the whole present buying thing is such a minefield, cut him some slack and don't over analyse. Top marks for him getting you the right perfume. (I've worn the same one for 15 years and oh wouldn't have the first clue even though it's in the bathroom cabinet!) I suspect he just wanted to buy you some nice extra bits along the 'perfume on its own doesn't look like I tried very hard' lines and had last minute present shopping brain freeze, hence the safe aunt presents. I've spent far too much time being an evil cow chewing over dh (and exdh's) present choices/lack thereof and am now officially over it. Come and join me in the happy place without presents or have an open conversation with DH (far away from the presents) about priorities and how well you feel you know each other's likes and dislikes nowadays, if you feel that's the real issue here?

dequoisagitil · 30/12/2012 23:13

I'd be annoyed too. Dh does this kind of thing too when we've agreed we can't afford things, and to get each other a token gift. I stick to it, he buys me too much, which makes me feel crap.

But it's because he loves to treat me and he does get me stuff I like.

To get you stuff you've no interest in does make it worse.

tiredchocoholic · 30/12/2012 23:15

...and in response to CailinDana's post. He's a wonderful man but I must admit I do feel rather starved of affection and feel rather taken for granted sometimes....work gets the best of him, then the children (he is an amazing dad, when he's around). I'd prefer extra cuddles to pressies any day!

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roastednut · 30/12/2012 23:18

This happened to me last year so this year I said we wouldn't do presents and I meant it. I would've been upset if dh had surprised me with something as I got him nothing.

Was a bit sad really as it was the first time I've done that but much better than me getting something expensive as a last min panic when we are using all our money on house stuff at present.

I think you're being a bit U but understand where you are coming from!

CailinDana · 30/12/2012 23:18

It might be worth talking to him about that then tired. It's rotten to feel ignored /invisible and it's a common thing to happen in long term relationships, especially with children around. Could you talk to him about making more of an effort to spend time together?

ImperialBlether · 30/12/2012 23:20

Well I would ignore it for this year but be glad that he was a kind man who wanted to treat you well over Christmas.

There is a danger, though, that you can grow apart. As you say he doesn't seem to know what you like - I do think this can be a dangerous direction for a marriage to go down. It implies you two are not sharing your lives, but living in parallel.

Why not talk to him about it (without mentioning presents) and suggest you take some time each day to talk to each other without the tv on or the kids butting in etc. Suggest going to bed half an hour earlier and just chatting. Don't chat about the kids, but try to find your real selves again, the people who will be together long after the children have gone.

roastednut · 30/12/2012 23:23

Actually I don't think YABU but I think you need to talk before next time to try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

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