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To be getting sick of ExP?

(10 Posts)
Amytheflag Sun 30-Dec-12 22:25:05

I'm starting to get fed up of always having to bite my lip and play the good guy when ExP makes promises to see our daughter and lets her down. He guilts me saying how much he misses her and how unfair it is that he had to leave when we broke up so I bite my lip, don't bring up the months of mental abuse, and offer him more access so that they can see each other because I did agree one day a week wasn't enough. I tell him to text me what days off he has each week and I will arrange for us to be about so he can see dd (has supervised access). And then he doesn't text. But I bite my lip because I know arguing just leads to manipulation and lies like the whole time we were together so I make a joke about it, he apologises and says he was "busy sleeping" and won't do it again.

And rinse and repeat with a different shitty excuse.

Out of the 8 or 9 weeks since we split up, he's seen her 7 times and was late by at least an hour half these times without letting me know or acknowledging it when he got there. I get guilt tripped when he's here about how much he misses her and its not fair that i have her all the time and I bite my tongue when I want to scream I OFFERED YOU MORE DAYS AND YOU CHOSE SLEEP OVER YOUR DAUGHTER. He talks the talk but doesn't act. Its like being back in the relationship and being manipulated and lied to again and I can't stand it.

I feel like i can't just ignore him and not chase after his visits because when dd is older, I want her to know I tried my best and didn't try to push him out. My family are advising me to bend over backwards to accommodate him and every time he wants to visit even if its short notice, I should change my plans and let him. I feel like I might as well have stayed with him if I do that though!

Am I being unreasonable to be sick of him and sick of my dd being messed about?

GailTheGoldfish Sun 30-Dec-12 22:37:34

Don't be too accommodating. Just make sure all your communication is in writing so you can prove, whether in court or to your DD when he is old enough, that you gave him ample opportunities to be there for her and he didn't bother.

BluelightsAndSirens Sun 30-Dec-12 22:41:30

If he is more than 20 minutes late with out communication go out.

He will be angry but you can say you assumed he wasn't coming because he didn't text you so you took DD out because she was upset.

Offering and being a doormat again are two separate things and he is taking the piss.

You know you are doing the right thing and that's what matters but don't let him get away with turning up late or not showing.

paneer Sun 30-Dec-12 22:52:21

Do not bend over backwards to accommodate him as it will just become the norm and make it difficult for you to manage access later on. ALso v unfiar for your DD (and you) to be hanging around all the time.

When a date and time has been agreed, agree on a time rage - so from 9-9.30am pick-up (or whatever). If he does not show, then leave.

Write everything in a journal.

Confirm after a verbal conversation everything explicitly in an email or text.

"As just agreed, see you on Thursday 9/9.30.am at the venue. You will leave after the visit at 1pm. If this is not what you think was agreed please let me know by X"

cestlavielife Sun 30-Dec-12 23:08:03

Whi is supervising? If you are then do not have him in your house as this just means nothing has changed. If you feel you must supervise then only an public place. So you tell him you will be at the library or soft play or cafe between XD time and XD time. If he turns up great if not then you and dd will not have been sitting at home waiting.

Supervising visits in your home is abig big mistake which I made.

Presumably us shifts allow him at least one weekend or every other weekend and or reasonable time after school? So you scan meet outside your home. Or at his family.

Keep records of emails offering contact. Be factual and only state facts .disengage. You can Only stop feeling like you are still in a relationship with him when you disengage and set your physical and emotional boundaries. And if you can find someone else to supervise visits .

Amytheflag Mon 31-Dec-12 13:43:16

Thank you for all the advice everyone smile I'm now starting a record of every contact we have and am going to be keeping communication to written stuff like emails so its all evidenced for if he tries to say I've prevented access. I'm going to be less accommodating too and will offer the visits but won't chase him around to come like i have been doing beyond confirming time and place.

Atm he has been coming to our house but I think I will need to have a good think about that as you are right it does feel like nothing has changed when he is here with the way he acts and behaves with the house and furniture and me. I supervise atm but might try and get a family member to do it instead depending on if anyone has time (only a few family members are local) because then I won't have to see him.

Thanks again :D

MrsMcEnroe Mon 31-Dec-12 13:49:08

Why are the visits supervised? It doesn't sounds as though you have a court order. Couldn't you drop your DD off at his place / soft play / park /etc and pick her up at a specified time? That way you're not the one being messed about.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 31-Dec-12 13:54:54

Why is he contact supervised? I agree you need to have less time with him and not have him in your house.

Do keep everything recorded. Do go out if he doesn't turn up on time.

How old is your DD and how far in advance does he get his shifts for work?

Amytheflag Mon 31-Dec-12 14:21:59

Its supervised for safety reasons really, based on some concerns that came about while we were together so leaving her with him isn't really an option. He has told me before he gets his shifts a month in advance but recently has said its week by week. He always gets told with a weeks notice though if that makes sense so has plenty of time to pick his days so that we can make sure we keep those days free for him. He just chooses not to and then guilts me when he texts at 11pm/midnight to come the following day and I have to say no because we already have plans. It's hard because I don't want to live my life never making plans just in case he deigns to come around but I don't want to be blamed for depriving dd of seeing her dad. Frustrating lol.

CaptChaos Mon 31-Dec-12 15:00:09

Send him an email asking him to let you know his shift patterns as soon as he receives them in order to sort out contact time for him. Be factual and clinical about it, do not engage. Do everything via email or text, and record all phone calls.

When you know his shift patterns send another email stating that we will be at X venue at X time with DD, we will be there until X time as cestlavie suggested. Save receipts, take time stamped pictures or whatever to show that you were at that place at that time. If he shows late don't mention it to him, but make a note of the time he arrives and time he leaves. If he doesn't show, simply mention in your next email that he didn't turn up and make the next contact visit for him. If you don't engage with his games, he'll stop playing them.

Make plans, if you are sitting in waiting for him he is still ruling your life. He had a choice in leaving, he could have shaped up but he chose not to, choices have consequences. Never feel guilty for doing the best by your daughter!

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