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To do exactly wat dm says?

(60 Posts)
kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 15:27:54

Dd is on an emotional day today... You no the one you say no nicely and they cry as If they've just seen all there toys thrown away. Was upstairs with dd an she has been in everything shes not supposed to so I've told her no which everytime has lead to a tantrum!! Dm came upstairs to bathroom and dd is having yet another tantrum so I told her to go to her room que dm yelling saying all she's heard is crying tried to take her from her room where I'd sent dd to calm down, so I Tom dd back to my room and said come on I'm
Obviously a bad parent and not allowed to discipline you! Dm comes in shouting saying to dd "sit down just breathe dont do anything and you shouldn't get told off" and slammed my door! I feel that was so much of an exaggeration so I've told dm I will not tell dd off again no matter what she does which is currently banging on my wardrobe doors and jumping up and down on the floor ( soemthing dm would have gone ballistic About). Fed up of being told off for disciplining her or even just telling her no yet dm can whenever it suits her!! So I'm allowing dd to do what she wants ( providing she doesn't hurt herself) as I no dm will snap and the tell me off for not disciplining her Aibu ro be fed up and just do what dm thinks is right? Fed up of being told off for being A parent! It stems much further than this (I.e giving her crisps when she nos I'm making her dinner) but this has topped it!

swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 17:39:35

there are a zillion ways for a single mum to get help with buying basic furniture. you're making excuses. you moved out from mummy to partner and back from partner to mummy.

there are ways out and into independence if you want them.

swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 17:40:00

how old are you btw?

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:34

Hecate and swallowed are right.

What area are you in?

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:45

Yes. Furniture projects, freecycle, ss grants, etc.

swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 17:53:16

the SVP here has, according to my mother whose on it's board, furnished a whole housing estate and buys endless cookers, freezers, etc.

and yy to freecycle. there's a cot, a pushchair, a spare wardrobe and sofa here that anyone would be welcome to if everyone on freecycle here wasn't after flat screen tvs and laptops.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:07:18

Swallow? Making excuses? Nope I'm
Not ! I no what independence is when mod in with ex p I stored everything out viewed the house filled out the forms went and got the furniture etc delt with bills while Exp played on his xbox! I een have to help mum out in terms of phoning companies sorting her debts out and arranging payment plans etc. just because someone is bossy to me doesn't make them more independent than me!!! I wasn't aware of places that help with furniture. We have a scheme in this area that helps people with housing but I do not qualify for it I am also on the council list but at the bottom of the list on the lowest 'needing' band. I also have a small list of necessity furniture that I would need as I move in if it was not already provided in the property... I've got myself figured out! I would still struggle exceptionally financially! I would still like savings behind me before moving and like I said my mum has many debts and my money covers the bills (almost) I couldn't just stop paying them! As much as I hater her for how she is she is my mum and knowing how much debt she is in, how
Can I leave her knowing that she cannot afford one bill if I leave? She has 100 a week and 95 goes on set repayments! Believe me I am making no excuses! I really do want to move but that stops me! I check estate agents everyday to see what I can find. I am in Nottinghamshire but I don't want to disclose anymore than that and I'm 23 smile

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:14:13

You can take control and tell her straight that without you and your financial contribution, she would be up shit creek in a concrete canoe and these are the changes she needs to make, or you're walking.
But yes. You could leave her to it if you wanted to.
You are choosing not to.
That's your choice, but you have to accept that it is your choice.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:17:12

OP, I understand your frustration at being 'told' how to parent your child. It sounds very much like you 'give in' to what your mother wants to appease your mother.
Perhaps you begin with good intentions of doing things your own way with your DD, but then your mother steps in, and tells you where she thinks you are going wrong, or takes over completely, and you try to explain why you are doing what you are doing, but perhaps your mother doesn't take much notice so you take a step back because you are sick and tired of everyone being upset with you.

Is that kind of what it's like?

If it is, be very careful OP. If your mother pushes enough and you crumble and let your mother make the decisions wrt your DD, your DD will grow up to play you and your mother off against each other long after you have moved out. Your DD will see your mother as the person who is to be taken notice of, not you. Your DD will grow up to have less respect for you than she would have had if you had made it clear to your mother that it is your choice how you discipline your DD.

By standing up to your mother, you are clearly showing your DD that you are in charge AFA your DD is concerned, thus lessening considerably the chances of your DD playing you off against each other for years to come.

I also second what everyone else has said about moving out.

Also, when you let go of the reigns, and let your mother decide what will happen wrt your DD, does this make your mother realise her method of discipline doesn't work for you and your DD? I imagine not.

I don't think your mother is showing you much respect tbh, and what do you think it is showing your DD when someone who lacks respect for you is getting what they want, after showing you no respect?? hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:17:24

How much are you managing to save while paying most of the bills?
How long will it take you to get together the money you feel you need?
If what's stopping you going is how your mum will cope-doesn't that mean you'll have to live with her forever?
If not, then what's the difference when you leave? At some point you'll have to hand responsibility for her life, debts, choices... back to her

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:23:27

Yes that is what it's like but I can't say anything because then we end up in a massive row. It gets more complicated by me saying I wudnt be living with her forever, as my dad plans to move here when he retired (3 Year ish) (yes there together ad life km different parts of the country... Very strange I know!) so I would get out . She knows she would be up shit creak but think it slips her mind every no and again.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:25:20

Oh and forgot to say my money doesn't cover all the bills so some have to be missed I.e quarterly bill has to go on payment card because we
Can't pay it straight off ... So my savings currently.... Well actually probably in the minus coz phone bill goes out tomorro!! shockBloody shockthing!

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:33:59

If you can't move out straightaway, you need to remind your mother quite firmly every time she does this that you are handling the situation, you will do things the way you think is right, you do not need her help with disciplining DD thank you very much.

This has too many far reaching consequences for you to just remain silent and do nothing.

If your mother has this effect on you, you really need to move out, regardless of your mothers debts etc.

Do you 'give in' to your mother a lot to prevent a massive row? When you have a massive row, are you usually the one to back down, even when you don't think you are wrong, to restore peace?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 18:47:28

I don't give in to her as such we
Argue really bad so when we do like tonight I stay in my room! Baring in mind we argued about 3ish? I think I've been upstairs since and will stay up here til tomorrow . Otherwise we end up clashing. It happens this bad about once a week? Maybe once every 10days?? We disagree over stuff everyday though! I'm the se
With my dad I'm too ;(probably childish) to want to be told what to do! I argued with my dad the other day because we went into a restaurant and where the waitress had told us to go Dds pushchair wouldn't fit I told dad to tell her and he wouldn't he just walked away I was stood for ages before a couple actually picked there table up and moved it about 2 meters so I could get past! Then it was my fault for making a fuss :/ that's why I'm moving when dad moves in. My dad wants me to find someone and move out so when he does come back here he wouldn't let me go without if I told him I was moving he would help with things like a fridge etc.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:48:23

Well, you can say something but you choose not to because you prefer to not say anything over having a row.

That again, is your choice.

If it slips her mind, unslip it. Every. Single. Time.

Things will not change until you are living separately.

At the moment, you are choosing to stay and pay her bills. This is the price you are paying.

When you decide it is no longer worth the price you are paying - you will make a different choice.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 18:50:15

You honestly do read like a teenager.

I am nearly 40 and I feel like I'm 15 if I spend too long with my parents grin

It happens.

you have got to stop arguing with them. Change this weird dynamic you have with them where they are the authority and you are the child.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:59:24

Why didn't you mention it to the waitress yourself? hmm

Now that you have gone to your room, is your DD with you?
Is your mother in her room?


swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 19:01:23

utter mess.

how does a mum sulk in her bedroom for half a day and all night when she has a young child to look after? and what the hell is your dd learning from all this madness?

i'm going to step away because i don't think you are at all ready to take any personal accountability for your life and it will be an endless sea of yeah buts.

i've lived on minimum benefits with a child to look after single handed before so i know it's perfectly doable if you pull your big girl's pants up and grow up and act responsibly. doesn't sound like you're ready to do that and tbh i feel really sorry for your dd that she's in the middle of this JK mess.

swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 19:02:45

and last question is why on earth should your retiring father have to buy you a fridge?????

you're a grown woman who has brought a child into the world.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:09:20

I choose not to as it causes more tension, more arguments and it is easier to stay out the way! Swallow I am not sulking I am taking myself away from the ' mess' and Infact me and dd have had a great afternoon suing games and watching movies in 'mummies' room which she is non the wiser now about what happened earlier ! If it had been a week day I would have gone out for a few hours but shops shut a 4 and none of my friends were free. It is honestly just because we live together wen i lived away from home I had non of this.

swallowedAfly Sun 30-Dec-12 19:09:35

sorry bit more - the idea that you would let your young child do whatever she likes and ignore her behaviour (ergo her) to make a point to your mother is shocking. think about it. you're actually saying you'll abdicate taking care of, guiding, ensuring the good emotional state and well being of your daughter to win a point in an argument with your mother.

i really think you need to have a good long straight think and get honest with yourself. i suspect you'll just throw a fit at me instead though.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:19:34

ok. I know I am wasting my time here, but just because something is easier does not mean it is the right or best thing.

Easier in the short term = harder in the long term.

You have to be a parent to your child independent of the relationship you have with your mother.

You don't seem able to achieve that under the same roof, yet you won't leave and you won't set boundaries with your mother and you appear to have convinced yourself that you are trapped in this situation or that you have some sort of obligation to be your mother's financial buffer.

Your daughter WILL come to pick up on how you live. It WILL come to affect her. She will see you being a child to your mother and will see your mother as the parent. Will this make her lose respect for you as her parent? Only time will tell. It WILL affect your relationship with her though and your relationship with your mother may well break down completely in time.

You really do need to think about how you want your life to be in 5 years, in 10 years.

It's not as far away as you probably think.

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:20:41

Nope why would I throw a fit? I'm not a child? However I do feel your beig slightly rude! And could have been a bit nicer!! The whole idea of 'letting my child do as she pleases' was yes today so she didn't cry although I did tell her no when she was going to do
Something to Hurt herself but, he worst she did today was
Lick a mirror and jump up and down on the floor? The main question behind it was would it be easier of I just let my mum take over disciplining her because we clash at every point. I will say no she will
Say yes and it is getting confusing for dd. until I move this will not be resolved completely as I said that's a couple of years off yet but otherwise we are just going to continue like this. In fact after watching a film dd was very calm and the well behaved child I knew before unmoved back in with my mum! She used to be a child that didn't even need disciplining! She could be told no once and that was it! Excluding the rare tantrums she used to have thanks to the dreaded terrible
2s hmm

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 19:23:58

So you are actually asking if you should abdicate your parental responsibility to your mother because it's too hard to parent your daughter with your mother in your ear?

kickassmomma Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:33

I didn't say it's too hard it's pretty easy to carry on arguing with her about it. I will tell her that it's not right and that I decide why happens and when and why but until I move out I'm stuck! Even if I plan to move now it would take me about 6months and ignoring a few bills to gather enough money for a deposits and first months rent. Wat til then? My mum is stubborn just like me! Neither will back down! I'm simply saying wat do I do? In the meantime? Your right in that dd will pick up and i don't want that to happen so If mum goes to discipline her and i don't agree should I Leave it that's what I'm
Saying. When my mum is around if she tells her off before me and I think it's wrong should I correct her coz that in itself will confuse dd.

FolkElf Sun 30-Dec-12 19:29:55

Yes it would be easier to let your mother take over the disciplining/parenting of your child.

Destructive and absolutely the wrong thing to do, but definitely easier.

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