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To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

lunar1 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:01:13

Hope, ive been thinking of you and wondered how you are? i know you had another thread before your op but i cant find it. i really hope everything went well.

Delayingtactic Wed 02-Jan-13 23:54:29

Oh. Well he's a right royal prick isn't he? As hard as it is to believe now you are better off without this utter arse in your life. He's not worthy of your time and effort and once you've gotten better you can find a decent man who wants you for you, not just some breeding machine. I don't know how you can even be civil to him. I can't actually believe that he can be do short sighted.

Personally I'd be having nothing more to do with him. I'd pack his shit up, arrange a time for him to pick it up and wouldn't even let him try and assuage his guilt by coming out with excuses.

MudCity Wed 02-Jan-13 23:14:56

I am so sorry to read your update. It is a real double whammy and that must be hard to bear.

It is good that he wants to talk. If your relationship does end then at least you can try to end it on a civil note rather than a 'he has disappeared without trace having stayed out all night' note.

In my experience, if he decides that the issue is a deal-breaker then there is nothing you can do. It is sad and hard and I really feel for you. However, better to get this out in the open now than later. I remember reading an article about a woman whose partner stayed with her during her cancer treatment out of pity and guilt rather than because he actually wanted to be with her. Personally I would rather be on my own than with someone who had one eye on the door.

As for the children issue, if it is a deal-breaker for him then so be it. Staying will only breed resentment which will be hugely damaging for you both. By letting him go, you will make way for a new relationship that is right on all levels. Someone who also would like to adopt or for whom having their own children is not important. There are plenty of men out there who will fit that description.

You know the bit in the 'Bridget Jones' movie where Mark Darcy says he wants to be with Bridget just the way she is? Well, do not stop until you find that person who wants to be with you just the way you are. He will be worth the wait.

I truly hope things go ok for you over the coming months. Take good care.

CarlingBlackMabel Wed 02-Jan-13 20:54:32

Oh, Hope, how very distressing.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are a person, a living, loving, all round human being, not a breeding machine. He clearly wants someone to bear children rather than a partner and family sad.

Let your family take care of you.

All too tough. Good luck with the treatment.


Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 20:50:29

And that will be means and I'll, sorry, having phone issues blush

Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:20

I haven't replied yet, tbh not sure if I want to see him again at all but obviously going to have to at some point. I have an appointment tomorrow at which I think I get the date for the op, not sure if I want to be leaving any talking until after that's over so going to have to crack on with it I think.

Personally I wouldn't go for surrogacy- I'm not anti it by any men's but for me personally I don't think it's the right decision for various reasons. Maybe that will change in the near future but at the moment I'm thinking more seriously about adoption. Although not looking into it until after the op or ill go mad.

I'm at my mums for now and she's had her neighbours little girl staying with her for a couple of days ( that's a whole separate issue) it's been lovely having her to take mind off things but painful at the same time IYSWIM sad

Snazzynewyear Wed 02-Jan-13 20:41:12

What exactly is it he is 'having' to do? If anything I would ask him that. He is being awful, just awful, to hide behind such language. He is choosing to do this. And his attitude to children is awful too.

I would be inclined to say he needs to make himself clear in writing as you don't want to listen to waffly excuses. You are too busy sorting your life out! If you agree to meet him (and I would definitely think hard before agreeing to this) I would definitely take someone with you. Don't let him get you alone and upset you with his self-centred ideas.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots Wed 02-Jan-13 18:34:52

You poor poor thing OP, I've been watching these posts for a few days.

He's having trouble adjusting yes, but he has clearly chosen 'own children' over the OP - so he didn't want 'their' children, he wanted 'his'. That is NOT someone you want to have a family with, even if they weren't such an utter waste that they would walk out on their partner because she was diagnosed with cancer. This is not someone you want to speak to again, let alone

He might find it hard but that doesn't stop his actions from being incredibly, impossibly selfish. Illness hard on those around but he's completely ignoring the fact that it is happening to you, not him. You're not seeing your mum turn around and say 'Sorry, no dice, I want REAL grandchildren' do you - because people cope when the are not useless and care about the other person.

Sorry, that rambled a bit, this makes me livid.

kotinka Wed 02-Jan-13 17:49:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory Wed 02-Jan-13 17:31:49

Op what this man is doing to you, during your hour of need, is unforgiveable. Whatever his feelings about having his own DC, they should have been parked while you face your treatment.

The only upside, is that you now know that this man is utterly undependable and you are better off without him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 17:21:34

Hope - any man who could do to me, what your partner has done to you, would not get another chance to do it. I could not live with someone knowing that when I really needed them, they let me down so badly. So, so badly. 'Sorry it has to be this way', 'I want my own children too much'... I'd just tell him that it's over - he's free to do as he pleases and there's nothing to talk about.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 02-Jan-13 17:20:07

He is being an incredible arse.

It could be that this is what he is focusing all his attention on rather than it being all he cares about. Perhaps in a few days a talk would him would be a good idea? You can both speak honestly about your fears for the future.

I really hope it is that he is being an idiot right now but will get a grip and support you properly.

If he is a world class cunt though...then I am sorry,truly sorry.

Make sure whatever happens that you have your family around to for support.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 02-Jan-13 17:14:29

Hope, i think you should just ignore him, your going through something awful and all hes thinking about is making sure his balls work.

StuntGirl Wed 02-Jan-13 17:12:41

I'm so sorry he's being such an arse sad He doesn't deserve you, if a family member of mine treated their wife like this I'd read them the riot act. He sounds like an absolute twat sad

EuroShagmore Wed 02-Jan-13 17:04:43

So not just a freak out then? sad

He is being very self-centred, but this is obviously a big life-changer for both of you. His priorities are all wrong, but you do probably both need to think calmly about options (if you don't just want to tell him to get bent). Could you save some eggs before the surgery (or keep your ovaries if this is possible) and consider surrogacy? How would you feel if he wanted to use a surrogate who would use her own eggs and his sperm? Would he reconsider adoption? Does he realise they would quickly become his "own" children?

I'm so sorry he is not being more supportive. I'm glad that your family are. Stay close to them through the weeks ahead.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 02-Jan-13 17:01:05

Oh hope. Take your time, no need to reply straight away.

And when you do I hope you tell him that he is the most massive disappointment/twat ever.

Xales Wed 02-Jan-13 17:00:28

Really sorry to hear what you are going through.

If he wants his own children so much would a surrogate with eggs and his sperm be acceptable to you and to him?

Is there any chance you could actually get some of your own eggs asap so that it is biologically yours and his even if someone else carries it?

If that is really his only problem there may be ways around it, if you can forgive him for the really shitty way he has treated you when you have needed his help!

Sugarice Wed 02-Jan-13 16:54:40

Hope I'm so sorry he's treating you like this sad.

He's clearly a massive twat and you will be well shot of him, he is thinking of himself and not the hell you're going through.

If you can stand it, tell him to fuck off and give him a bloody great slap from me while you're at it, he's a tosser and a cowardly one at that!

Hopeandbluebells Wed 02-Jan-13 16:51:24

An update: got a text earlier from him saying he was sorry to have to do this but he thinks he wants his "own" children too much, can we have a proper talk about it? Not really sure what I think about that tbh sad

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Wed 02-Jan-13 13:06:32

I am so sorry OP, he sounds as if he just cannot cope with what is happening and is looking for a get out clause but the guilt is getting to him. Hard for you I hope all goes well for you, with or without him by your side sad

MTBMummy Wed 02-Jan-13 12:56:58

Hope you're ok OP - and so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the impending H.

bringbacksideburns Wed 02-Jan-13 11:34:33

All the very best for the New Year. Hope you are okay.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 01-Jan-13 09:27:40

Hope you are ok, op, wishing you lots of strength and happiness.

BonkeyMollocks Mon 31-Dec-12 01:05:46

Im sorry to hear this op.

I agree that he has probably just been waiting to be told to leave so he doesn't look the bad guy.

Thinking of you. X

Morloth Mon 31-Dec-12 00:55:59

OK, don't do anything right now.

Just stay with your mum for a bit, have a rest and try not to worry too much.

Right now everything is explosive. He isn't acting very well, but that doesn't mean it is all over.

Give yourself time. You don't need to make any decisions right this moment.

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