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To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

CarlingBlackMabel Wed 02-Jan-13 20:54:32

Oh, Hope, how very distressing.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are a person, a living, loving, all round human being, not a breeding machine. He clearly wants someone to bear children rather than a partner and family sad.

Let your family take care of you.

All too tough. Good luck with the treatment.


MudCity Wed 02-Jan-13 23:14:56

I am so sorry to read your update. It is a real double whammy and that must be hard to bear.

It is good that he wants to talk. If your relationship does end then at least you can try to end it on a civil note rather than a 'he has disappeared without trace having stayed out all night' note.

In my experience, if he decides that the issue is a deal-breaker then there is nothing you can do. It is sad and hard and I really feel for you. However, better to get this out in the open now than later. I remember reading an article about a woman whose partner stayed with her during her cancer treatment out of pity and guilt rather than because he actually wanted to be with her. Personally I would rather be on my own than with someone who had one eye on the door.

As for the children issue, if it is a deal-breaker for him then so be it. Staying will only breed resentment which will be hugely damaging for you both. By letting him go, you will make way for a new relationship that is right on all levels. Someone who also would like to adopt or for whom having their own children is not important. There are plenty of men out there who will fit that description.

You know the bit in the 'Bridget Jones' movie where Mark Darcy says he wants to be with Bridget just the way she is? Well, do not stop until you find that person who wants to be with you just the way you are. He will be worth the wait.

I truly hope things go ok for you over the coming months. Take good care.

Delayingtactic Wed 02-Jan-13 23:54:29

Oh. Well he's a right royal prick isn't he? As hard as it is to believe now you are better off without this utter arse in your life. He's not worthy of your time and effort and once you've gotten better you can find a decent man who wants you for you, not just some breeding machine. I don't know how you can even be civil to him. I can't actually believe that he can be do short sighted.

Personally I'd be having nothing more to do with him. I'd pack his shit up, arrange a time for him to pick it up and wouldn't even let him try and assuage his guilt by coming out with excuses.

lunar1 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:01:13

Hope, ive been thinking of you and wondered how you are? i know you had another thread before your op but i cant find it. i really hope everything went well.

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