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To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 30-Dec-12 13:59:34

How utterly selfish and nasty of him to treat you like this.

Initially I had some sympathy for him but not now after your last post, sounds like he couldn't get away quick enough.

Don't think about trying to contact him, let him come to you.

Thinking of you (((((((hugs)))))))).

cheekybaubles Sun 30-Dec-12 14:00:42

Is there anyone else other than your DM that you can rely on?

As far as he is concerned as a life partner he well and truly sucks. I know poor him he is in shock too but for god's sake it's YOU it's happening to and he should be supporting you. I am afraid I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, if a wife was acting like him she would be well and truly slated.

I hope to god you are not feeling any ill affects at the moment but you will when your treatment starts and he should be helping you face that and just give you someone to cry on when you are scared.

If I was his DM he would be out on his arse until he bloody well grew up.

Please let us know if you have any other, more reliable, suppoort?

Well wishes.

ZebraInHiding Sun 30-Dec-12 14:09:53

I don't have any advice, but couldn't read and not reply. Un mn hugs to you. X

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 30-Dec-12 14:51:22

He said he didn't see what there was to talk about

I am speechless at that. What? What????

OP how awful. I hope you have some solid RL support.

Hugs to you.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 30-Dec-12 15:02:30

Oh sweetheart sad

Go to your parents or friends. Someone that loves you and can look after you.

His behaviour is deplorable, there are no excuses.

He has shown his true colours.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 30-Dec-12 15:07:19

Defence mechanism? If he's angry and pissed off at you he doesn't have to sad and scared? I saw my df do something similar to my dm, it's shitty as hell. He's (uselessly) remorseful of it now. I think the fact he was absolutely helpless to do anything but be an emotional support made him take control of the only thing he could and be a bastard. It's cowardly, but i've see a couple of variations on the theme since.

I saw your other thread too op, and truly feel for you, you don't have to fix whatever it is he's struggling with and you don't have to forgive him should he face up to what a cunt he's currently been. You do have to concentrate on yourself and try to surround yourself with people who are supportive. I second going to your mums if you can.


wewereherefirst Sun 30-Dec-12 15:10:03

Oh he's such a pig! Please gather your support network around you, you need them right now and concentrate on you. A previous poster is completely right, he is behaving like a petulant child- you do not need this at the moment.

<hugs and strength>

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 15:12:13

He's a worthless cunt.

I'm sorry you are finding that out at a time like this.

You can't expect anything from him.

All you can do is concentrate on what you need to get through your treatment.

oldpeculiar Sun 30-Dec-12 15:32:45

It is harder in a way for the partner than the one it's happening to.They have all the fears and devastation but are also expected to be the strong one to be leaned upon.
None of us know the OPs husband and I think it is impossible to say whether he won't or can't face up to his responsibilities at the moment.
However that doesn't help OP.I really hope she has some strong loving family to support her.

BettySuarez Sun 30-Dec-12 15:41:51

Old Peculiar - have you read the OP's latest update???? !!!!

NaokHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 15:48:00

Oh OP, you're having such an awful time of things sad I agree this sounds like a defense mechanism, but that doesn't make it excusable. I hope his parents are giving him hell for the way he's treated you. I don't know him so I don't know if this is the real him or a temporary insanity, if you will, brought on by extreme stress and sadness, so I'm not going to cast judgment on that. You can't do anything to make this better right now though, that has to come from him, so try and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Can you call your mum or a friend so you have some support?

For what it's worth, last year, my uncle had a heart attack. This was only a few months after his wife, my aunt, also nearly died of heart problems. He dealt very badly (he's an awful patient at the best of times) and treated my aunt and my cousins like dirt. Eventually she lost her temper, phoned him in hospital (he refused to let her visit) and told him that if he was going to be like that, not to turn up at the house when they let him off the ward. She didn't hear from him for 24 hours, then he had flowers delivered, asked her to come visit, apologised in full, and - most importantly - actually sorted his shit out. It wasn't just words, he made it deeds too. So your DP may yet sort himself out, my uncle is, like you're saying your DP is, a fundamentally decent man so it may be that a few nights at his parents and someone asking him 'wtf is wrong with you' is the shock he needs.

quoteunquote Sun 30-Dec-12 15:54:58


I think what oldpaculiar is trying to say, as I and a few others are, it's also something he is going through,

until you experience it you cannot possible know what you reactions will be, hugely overwhelming, the loveliest most emotionally mature people find anyone of the situation hard, when you experience them all at once, it's really hard,

I have a lovely husband, we have been together for over 20 years, we have some dead children, we were told we would never have any,we were then very lucky, I nearly died, our eldest had a brain tumour, I now have cancer on chemo my wonderful husband has been through everything, the feelings of helplessness are very difficult,

I would never judge a person on their reactions to such situations, it is a long process, and if you are going to work through the process then every feeling is valid and deserves the attention it needs.

I think to many people believe the life issues can be solved in the same way a sitcoms tackle them, it all takes careful time, adding to stressful situations, with demands can only increase the likelihood of something giving way.

LemonBreeland Sun 30-Dec-12 15:57:20

What an awful situation. He sounds like a completely selfish bastard.

It sounds like now he's realised you can't give him what he wants in life that he has just checked out of the relationship.

How can he be so awful when you are facing cancer and all the treatment. I'm angry on your behalf. Take care of yourself and forget about him for now.

ByTheWay1 Sun 30-Dec-12 16:13:53

He does sound selfish - perhaps he wants his own kids more than you think.... to stay with you he has to give it up... it is a big thing to give up - so he will probably "make you" tell him to leave.

Hopeandbluebells Sun 30-Dec-12 17:33:19

I'm at my mum's now, she's working tonight but my brother's come round to keep me company- I now feel awful as I'm almost certain he had plans for tonight. I hadn't told him about the cc so all annoy of a shock to the system!

I haven't texted DP, but have had a number of strange texts from him, things like 'I'm sorry it has to be this way' hmm not see whether to reply to those or not, although dont really know what to say.

MrsTomHardy Sun 30-Dec-12 17:35:03

I wouldn't reply to anything today....take care of yourself.

Nancy66 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:43:32

Sorry to say but this isn't a guy who is planning on sticking around and seeing you through your illness.

he sounds like a worthless shit to me.

Concentrate on getting yourself better and being around people who DO care about you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 30-Dec-12 17:53:28

He's dumping you by text after 8 years when you have cancer.

What a prince of a man.

wewereherefirst Sun 30-Dec-12 18:01:17

What a nasty vile person. I'm sorry he's turned out this way. Don't reply to him. Switch your phone off. How kind of your brother to cancel his plans to be with you, take care of yourself. x

5madthings Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:14

Couldn't read and not post.

Op I am so sorry you are dealing with this and that your dh is being such a twat! Yes its hard for him but offs running away isn't going to solve anything, he needs to grow the fuck up!

Op I am glad you have family support, I hope you have good friends as well, look after yourself and try and forget about dh for a bit.

Delayingtactic Sun 30-Dec-12 18:11:47

Jesus Hope. I'm so very sorry. I do kind of get the idea that he was waiting for your permission to bolt rather than be the fucking prickly who walked our on his partner with cancer.

I wouldn't text back. Let it all settle down and then perhaps after a few days ask to speak to him. It may be that he apologises and knuckles down to be the supportive man you need and be just needed a blow out. If he still doesn't get what's there to talk about you genuinely are better off without him.

shesariver Sun 30-Dec-12 18:28:21

God I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and wish you well for your treatment, which sadly it looks like you will be facing without him. I can truly understand a lot of his behaviour without excusing it but generally the shock should have worn off by now and he should be showing that he's prepared to support you. He is not doing this so the warning signs are there about his ability to support you emotionally during your treatment and all the trials ahead.

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings Sun 30-Dec-12 18:33:06

Op - I feel so very sad for you at the moment. I cannot possibly understand how you feel & what you're going through, so can't offer anything more than sympathy that you're also having to deal with your DP being so twattish.

Whilst I can understand that he may be overwhelmed & struggling to cope and this is so out of character, that may explain it accurately BUT you're the one with cancer. You've had as much of a shock & you're not acting out in this petulant manner.

I totally agree that you should ignore his texts, look after yourself & then in a day or 2 have a face to face conversation with him. If he won't talk to you, could you speak to his parents? At least to get closure if necessary...

Good luck - hopefully 2013 will be a better year than the end of 2012.

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 30-Dec-12 18:37:44

He is a twat. There is no excuse.

Please take care of yourself op, and surround yourself with good people.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 30-Dec-12 18:39:26

Couldn't read and not post.

So sorry about your dx and what the ramifications are for you. Your DP is behaving very badly indeed,that is a given. Whether he is just having an emotional wobble because he is frightened at losing you,at your future together changing from as planned or just being the most spineless toad to grade the planet isn't yet clear.

I truly hope it is the former not the latter. I'd ignore him for now,at least until he manages to send normal,less cryptic texts.

Take care of yourself OP.

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