I think my dh is being bloody selfish about spending time with my family

[irishchic]

I live 200 miles from my mum and the rest of my family. Once or twice a year, me and dh and our 5 kids go to visit my mum in her house, which is in a large city, lovely house, plenty of room for our kids and v comfortable.

We arrived at my mums on thursday night to stay 3 nights. My dh is a bit funny about staying at my mum's in that he likes his space, so usually would pop out for an hour to buy a paper and have a pint somewhere on his own. I dont mind this obviously. But also, I usually mind the kids in the mornings so that he can pop out (mum lives near lots of nice cafes) and have a nice cooked breakfast and again, read his newspaper and sports results in peace.

Last night, me, dh and my dbro and dsis went out for a few drinks. got home around midnight. Dh was flicking through the paper and spotted that a band that we used to like is playing a gig in a pub near my mums house tonight. He suggested that we go, but i said that as we were heading out all day today to visit friends of his and their kids, that i would prefer that we stay in tonight with my mum, as I feel we havent actually seen that much of her since we arrived we have been so busy visiting friends etc.

He then said that maybe HE would go out with the guy that we are visiting, the friend of his anyway, and the two of them would go out for a night themselves. I was taken aback at this and said so. I think its rude of him to take himself off for a night out on our family trip when we are staying with my mum, and he has spent little time here as it is. He seems to find it next to impossible to SIT IN for an evening with my family. Its not like my mum expects him to entertain her, she will happily feed him, bring him a beer while he sits beside the fire watching tv or playing iPad. Also, to put this in some context, dh goes away to concerts any time he wants, has a few weekends away a year with the boys, a golfing holiday, and can take himself off anytime to visit his friends, I dont mind that.

I only ask in return that on the few occasions that we visit my family, which is only ever for 2 or 3 nights twice a year that he engages with us, makes a bit of an effort, and if he feels slightly bored then just suck it up, as I live 5 mins form all his family and spend tons of time with them, in laws, elderly aunts, overbearing cousins, the lot, as thats what you do when you marry someone. Wouldnt even mind but he admits that my family arer good company, its just he seems to feel its ok to treat my mums house as a base for him do suit himself.

Sorry so long, really pissed off about this as he tried to make me feel bad about this saying stuff like he only gets to this city so rarely, whats wrong with wanting a night out etc etc (he had 3 nights out in Xmas week all late ones and goes out every thurday night, so he doesnt live the life of a recluse.) He is playing the martyr now.

[rainbowinthesky]

Sorry I think Yabu. I can understand completely why he wants to go out. I would be the same. It's not his mother.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

I think he's a bit selfish.

He can't put himself out a little two or three times a year?

Your family must notice that he appears to dislike being with them, surely? How must they feel?

Is he like this with everyone, or just your mum? Does he not like her?

[nickelbabylyinginamanger]

Yabu..

I bet my dh wisheS's he could. Instead he has to suffer my very dysfunctional family.
On his behalf I say let your dh go out. Just make sure he gets a whole day of entertaining the dcs on his own while you go out with your mum.

[mrsjay]

is he like this if you go visiting other people maybe he is uncomfy in other peoples houses, although he sounds really self centred going out for breakfast etc etc Id not be pleased and be telling him that he should at least stay in 1 night and does your mum really feed him beer as he sits on his bum , is he always so into his own wants and needs and you just notice it at your mums ?

[CecilyP]

He does sound a bit selfish. OTOH, if it is a band that he really likes and wouldn't get the chance to see normally, I can understand him wanting to go - even if he hasn't spent much time with your mum thus far.

[mrsjay]

I suppose the band is what he enjoys but i think the whole visit he is been avoiding people and doing his own thing,

[Mrsrudolphduvall]

I would let him go.

[AfterEightMintyy]

I think yanbu, bearing all the circs in mind.

[jessjessjess]

YABU. Will they think it's rude or are you projecting that?

[Pooka]

If he's complaining about not visiting the city more often then I'd say fine, go tonight and we'll come and stay more often!

[DewDr0p]

YANBU. That is extremely rude behaviour in my book.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

If you want to spend time with your DH book a weekend away that isnt to your parents.

You are there to spend time with your family. If he would rather go out and let you do that then so be it. If it was me and I only saw my family 2-3 nights a year I wouldnt care where DP was, Iwould be spending time with them.

YABU.

[irishchic]

Right, firstly he likes my mum and gets on fine with my family. But he is a bit selfish about his space and his time. Even when we go to his family, i am the one who makes the effort to chat with his parents while he just reads the paper and barks at the kids from time to time.

He doesnt like the band THAT much, and if he did, he would have already booked tickets for himself his mates.

Yes my family do notice that he goes off a bit, but are too polite to mention it.

[MrsTomHardy]

I think he is being rude and selfish.

[EuroShagmore]

I think he is being really rude, tbh.

[mrsjay]

he just sounds as if he isn't a people person id leave him at home next time selfish bugger

[DontmindifIdo]

YANBU - he's being rude - she's not running a B&B, she's invited her DD and her family to stay. He should be gracious enough to actually spend time with the person who's house he's staying in. Why can't he see that he has a duty to your mother in the same way you see you have a duty to spend time with his family?

If he insists on going out, then I would say that you will give his family equal time in 2013, stop going to see them, and he can take the DCs on his own.

[WandaDoff]

Rude Rude Rude.

[Fairyegg]

Yabu. It's just for the evening, let him go. Will give you and your mum the chance to have a proper catch up.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

How much does he struggle with his own space?

If he is an introvert, and not social at heart, than you will never be able to change that.

I get on fine with DP's family. His Mum is lovely. But we've just spent seven nights there and I spent the last day almost entirely upstairs with my lizards. I just can't be social for that long. I get anxious, and I don't enjoy it. I find any family situation difficult, and that type of environment stresses me out immensely.

DP is v.good at dealing with it, so we drove three hours home last night so I could spend the night here. We are going back later today for another 5 days.

Explain to your parents that he likes his own space, ask if they mind him going out to see a band and go back to talking about what you want to do/watch. At the end of the day, they are your family, they want to see you, and he is there with you.

They'd probably much prefer him to be out than being moody and barking orders from the sofa anyway.

[DontmindifIdo]

Thing is, it's not just one night, they are there for 3 days, one of them he's been out all morning, then out all evening already. The next day he's out all day then is planning on being out all that evening as well now. Then on the final day he plans to have a few hours in the monring to himself, then they leave. he'll go to visit for 3 days and spend only a couple of hours in the company of the hostess, the rest of the time treating her house like a hotel he doesn't have to pay for.

Unacceptably rude.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I think he is being rude.

[Doogle2]

Yanbu I think he is being rude. You don't see your family very often so it's not a big ask. I would be really cross if my husband pulled this stunt. Also you have 5 children! Why does he need he space constantly and leave you to look after them?
I would not be impressed if one of my visitors disappeared for a breakfast and didn't invite anyone else, leaving me to help with their 5 children - lovely.

[bamboostalks]

Doesn't he want to spend time with his own kids? He sounds v indulged tbh.

[KellyMarieTunstall]

I would think that given you have 5 dcs then you must have been together for some time and therefore your family must have known him for a lot of that time. So surely they know what he is like by now ?

I bet they do think he is rude and self centered but if he is always like it when you visit them they put up with it to see you and the dcs.

You wont change him during this visit. Just make the most of the time with your mum and resolve to tackle his selfishness once you are home . I agree with spending equal time with each side of the family though.