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To think that the phrase ‘well you know what you were getting into’ is fucking bollocks

(39 Posts)
Trixidoll Sat 29-Dec-12 00:19:59

Why is it that some people can ask advice on here and have a moan about their children and not be subject to 'well you know you what you were getting into' tribe?

Seriously, asking for advice about a new-born sleep issue or troubles with feeding/weaning and it's well done' and 'don't worry' but ask about a DSC's sleep patterns or Xmas arrangements and it's 'well you knew he had children so deal with it'.

I get sooooo fucked off with the attitude of some people on here - my favourite being 'step-parents are nothing but baby sitters': I wish I could find a babysitter who would cook meals, clean up after, iron clothes, read to, bake with, check homework and finically contribute to the DCs they look after for £20 a night.

I am a step mum - no I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not insecure. No, I'm not trying to replace anyone. Yes, I knew that my DP had DCs.

But...fuck me...I didn't know the intricacies of being a SM on my first, second, or year after date with my DP. I guess the same way a first time mum feels about her LO - new,uncharted waters.

So, when I ask for advice, why give us such a fucking hard time?

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 29-Dec-12 00:22:44

YANBU

If we were all perfect and never got into situations we would never be wise as we wouldn't have anything to learn from.

SoleSource Sat 29-Dec-12 00:23:13

My Motner told e to not be a SM as it is a thankless task. No experience personally but I respect SM whom do a good job.

CoolaYuleA Sat 29-Dec-12 00:25:19

YANBU..... I married a soldier. Every time I mentioned anything remotely shitty about our lifestyle (which isn't an easy one - how many people wave their OH's off to a warzone for months on end not knowing if they will ever see them again, whilst living in a foreign country with no family support?) some arsehole would throw in "You knew what you were getting into when you married him!

Except that, due to the nature of the lifestyle, it was completely impossible to have any real understanding of what it would really be like til AFTER we were married as that was when I jacked in my job, packed all my stuff and left my friends and family behind and moved to another country knowing only DH - and two weeks after we arrived he got sent away. That was the tip of the iceberg of me finding out what I had got myself into....

I would imagine that it's the same for a step parent - until you're actually living the life how the hell can you know what that life will be????

I fecking HATE that statement - it makes me stabby.

Arisbottle Sat 29-Dec-12 00:25:29

I am a stepmom and whilst I did not know the intricacies I did know the character of my stepson, I did know that he was an existing priority that would often take precedence above my own needs and I could have walked away at any time.

Kayano Sat 29-Dec-12 00:25:32

well said. And true on here at times

Arisbottle Sat 29-Dec-12 00:26:16

Stepmum sorry - auto correct keeps changing it

SantasHoHoHo Sat 29-Dec-12 00:29:10

You may know what you're getting into but you're still entitled to have a whinge about /ask for advice for it!

Arisbottle Sat 29-Dec-12 00:30:54

Of course you are allowed to ask for advice, I have done so many a time.

But in some ways being a step parent is easier because you know exactly what the child is like. I didn't have such foresight with my own biological children .

Trixidoll Sat 29-Dec-12 00:35:24

Exactly coolaYuleA, you don't know the true reality until you're living it...

Arisbottle Sat 29-Dec-12 00:38:11

I do think that is someone is moaning about having to wait for children, having to spread the family funds thinner or not being able to have your DH to yourself , because of existing step children it is fair enough to say " you knew what you were getting into"

Trixidoll Sat 29-Dec-12 00:51:19

I totally agree Arisbottle, a SM shouldn't moan about having to share their DP or having to contribute to DCS future but I do feel that SMs are painted in a unflattering light regardless of what they say or do.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 29-Dec-12 00:55:18

Do you know what really gets my goat, people that think/say/imply it's your fault dc have got a feckless father. Yes ok you had a baby with someone you were goggled eyed over but it's not your fault the father isn't around and is a dick.

CoolaYuleA Sat 29-Dec-12 00:58:10

I do have to say that at the moment I'm ranting at DH about my SM quite a lot. That said I'm in my 30's - and right now she is deserving the unflattering light BECAUSE of things she is saying and doing. (Massive recent and offensive boundary ishoos).

And I've always been really nice to her lol!

EMS23 Sat 29-Dec-12 00:59:45

I don't like that phrase either Trixi, YANBU.
Arisbottle my DSS was 6mo when I met DH, 3.5yrs old when I actually met him himself so I had no clue to his character and him being young, it changes along the way anyway.

Right now, at 9yo, DSS is going through a phase of pushing the boundaries with me and its tough. I had no reason to think this would happen and therefore did not 'know what I was getting into'.

TBH, I tend to stick to the step parenting area if the forum for SP issues and always worry a bit when I see an SP thread in AIBU!

catsmother Sat 29-Dec-12 01:01:04

If my DP had had the gift of foresight and had been able to tell me on our 1st date what horrors would ensue over the next decade I probably wouldn't have believed him - or else would have thought I'd wandered onto an Eastenders' set. Unfortunately, having been the mother of a child who was already a stepchild (i.e. my ex remarried) of quite some years when I met DP, I made the mistake of thinking that all normal adults try their damnednest to put bitterness, anger, manipulation etc behind them asap and actually get on with their lives, as my ex and I had ... in other words, I guess I thought I had some idea of how most step families function and how the adults work together sensibly to minimise problems. So yes, I hold my hands up and admit I was naiive - with hindsight - to imagine I had an inkling of how it might be.

As I said, what I actually got was so far removed from common sense, decency and normaility ..... I bloody well wouldn't have anticipated that in a million years. So thanks very much I think I'm entitled to the occasional moan about the way my life's (and more importantly my children's lives) been so badly affected by other people's spite and bitterness.

I hate hate hate this stupid "you knew what you were getting into" in answer and/or justification of the most appalling behaviour directed at you and your family which you then might have the temerity to complain about every so often. In a step situation that remark all but implies that disgusting, dishonest, manipulative (etc etc etc) behaviour which wouldn't be considered acceptable in any other sort of social situation is actually okay .... almost as if, as a "first wife" particular women can be forgiven for deliberately making other people's lives as difficult as possible. Many stepmothers have also been married before themselves and I dealt with my breakup as best I could putting my son's best interests above any desire I had for "revenge" - I've never behaved like a bitch towards my ex and his now wife, or the children he had with her. So .... I find the "you knew what you were getting into" bloody insulting - because a) none of us have a crystal ball and b) I've also been an "ex" and have managed to behave with normal dignity and fairness and c) it seems to absolve the adults being awful/irresponsible/dishonest/disloyal/selfish/discourteous/non-communicative/using kids as weapons and so on (and that can include your partner as well as their ex!) in step situations from actually being responsible for their actions. But no - hey not a bad word can be said about them, or indeed (older) stepchildren being little you-know-whats because it boils down to - apparently - knowing what we were getting into and therefore we are somehow to blame for our own dissatisfaction, disappointment, hurt, stress, lack of money and all the other crap regardless of how other parties involved have behaved.

So that's okay then. hmm

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas Sat 29-Dec-12 01:05:58

I had no idea what I was getting into with my utterly lovely DSD because her mother was an utter witch from hell who drained our finances for 15 years. I did assume that at some point she'd sort her life out and actually get a job, but she didn't. Ever. Her behaviour can't be measured on any sort of 'normal' scale - not sure how I could havr known that ahead of time though. And no, I wasn't the OW either - didn't stop her telling my DSD that though.

TraineeBabyCatcher Sat 29-Dec-12 01:07:22

I do hate people who say that.

'well you chose to...'
Just because I chose it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes!

Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn't mean it can't be hard sometimes.
Just because I chose to do a degree and knew that it would be hard doesn't make it easier to deal with.

Thinking you know sometime doesn't make it easy to deal with when I comes to it. We are entitled to moan sometimes, to struggle sometimes, to cry, to need help, to be scared, to worry, to get it wrong...

TraineeBabyCatcher Sat 29-Dec-12 01:08:31

* thinking you know something

YerMaw1989 Sat 29-Dec-12 01:10:18

Its a stupid phrase purely on the fact all children are different.
you could have a family of 4 etc and there would be different issues with all of them.

NatashaBee Sat 29-Dec-12 01:16:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MalibuStac Sat 29-Dec-12 01:22:02

I'm a SM to DPs DS and DP SD to my DS. In some respects DP has the easier end of the stick as he lives with my DS. DSS however lives with SIL (too long to explain) and it has caused years of grief, fights and stress. Still now I wished he just came to live with us.
I didn't know what I was getting into and for someone to imply its your own fault get on with it truly sucks. I also wouldn't have dreamed of walking away as I love DP and DSS. Just at times need to vent, haven't done for a long time due to negative comments like this one.

MalibuStac Sat 29-Dec-12 01:22:54

Sorry should have said YADNBU

FestiveElement Sat 29-Dec-12 01:53:13

Sometimes I have found the statement is warranted, usually when the SM becomes a biological mum and then cones out with the gem 'things always get spread more thinly when a sibling comes along'. But on some occasions, it is probably used too freely.

EMS23 Sat 29-Dec-12 02:00:35

FestiveElement is that not true then?

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