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DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

(239 Posts)
BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:12

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.


ihearsounds Fri 28-Dec-12 21:34:53

Double standards. Its ok for him to not say how much the cheque was for, but it is totally fine for you to snoop.
I get given cash and cheques. This is mine to spend how I wish. My partner respects me enough to not question the amount nor snoop. I would be very fucked off if I found out that he had been snooping. I am entitled to some privacy in my relationship.

Cortana Fri 28-Dec-12 21:35:41

It could be for something special though Bette, it could be deliberate in a nice way too.

AppleOgies Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:20

If you have separate accounts and use a joint one for bills etc... I don't see why you feel he should have to tell you.

Are you expecting him to put a gift from his df into your joint account? Where we're you planning on putting yours?

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:56

I just don't like it as I'm an open book about everything with him. It really upsets me that he 'withholds' info.

greenplastictrees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:38:33

You need to ask him about it if it's annoying you. Either say you looked at this cheque when emptying his pockets or something and noticed the money. Comment on how nice it is and ask what he's thinking of doing on it.

Or just ask him how much the cheque was for and see what he says? I'd probably fair option 1 though.

Of course maybe he's planning on spending it on you as a surprise.

For what it's worth my DP would be subtle about any money he got as he would see announcing it as a bit vulgar so would tell me at a later date, probably when asked because he's forgetful and wouldn't think to mention.

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 28-Dec-12 21:39:03

what other info does he 'withhold', Bette?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Fri 28-Dec-12 21:39:09

You aren't 'an open book' though, instead of asking him a question you went snooping.

Casmama Fri 28-Dec-12 21:39:26

I would not dream of not telling my dh if I had been given £1000 and the fact that your DP has not mentioned it despite the opportunity would concern me.

Are you married, is it possible he wants to get you an engagement ring or something?

TheSecondComing Fri 28-Dec-12 21:40:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleOgies Fri 28-Dec-12 21:40:59

If you're an 'open book' I suggest you go and tell him that you have been digging around his personal items and gifts to try and find out how much money his df gave him.

BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:41:06

Oh gosh, I just don't know what to think. I'm really upset though.

Viviennemary Fri 28-Dec-12 21:41:15

It depends how your relationship works. If your finances are separate then perhaps he is not absolutely obliged to tell you. But if you share things then yes you should be told. And if you think of yourself as a family then that's different.

greenplastictrees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:42:40

Op have you got other reasons not to trust him? Is this raising your suspicions about anything else? What I'm trying to say is I don't think it's a big deal unless there are other reasons to think so.

EnjoyResponsibly Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:22

There could be umpteen reasons he didn't tell you the amount: good or bad.

Whatever his reasons you lost the high ground when you went prying.

I hope that, if you go on digging you don't spoil a really nice surprise he's planning.

LIG1979 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:32

I would give it a bit and see if he brings it up. Could it be he is planning a surprise? If not and he decides to spend/fritter it on himself then no yanbu.

apostrophethesnowman Fri 28-Dec-12 21:43:55

Maybe he's just embarrassed that he was given ten times the amount that you were. He may not know how to tell you in case it upsets you.

Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

difficultpickle Fri 28-Dec-12 21:45:40

How long have you been together? Do you have dcs together? I assume so if your dp's father gave them money too. Would you usually know what your dp's parents' give him?

DontmindifIdo Fri 28-Dec-12 21:47:48

Have you thought to ask him how much the cheque from his dad was for? He might be honest with you. You can ask him what he's planning on doing with it. Are you likely to want to spend it ASAP and he would want to save it?

cees Fri 28-Dec-12 21:50:51

Yanbu, that would piss me off too, why not ask him if his Dad gave him the same amount and wait for reply before taking further action like ripping his balls off

Incapinka Fri 28-Dec-12 21:53:24

Everyone deals with money differently and if money is particularly tight in your family then I can understand why you would be curious but that doesn't mean that snooping was the right thing to do. You should have asked... However due to my lovely grandparents I am lucky to have my own personal finances and as much as I love my DH he doesn't know how much they are worth. But then that's because we have enough to get by from day to day. He wouldn't dream of asking whether my DPs gave me any money for Christmas or expecting it to be paid into our joint account. He would respect the fact that my parents had given it to me to choose what to do with it , whether it was to buy something for myself, invest it or buy something for the family or kids. Everyone will have a different view on this but I know that my parents and grandparents want their children and subsequent grandchildren to have money for a rainy day and in an ideal world financial security...

apostrophethesnowman Fri 28-Dec-12 21:54:36

Is it definitely a Christmas present from his father? Perhaps he's borrowed it. Is there any hint of a forthcoming proposal? I'm presuming by you referring to him as your DP that you're not already married?

You really don't know what it is or what it's for, it could be entirely innocent.

stifnstav Fri 28-Dec-12 21:55:42

Offer to pay his cheque in when you're doing yours. Then see if he gives it to you to cash.

FredFredGeorge Fri 28-Dec-12 22:02:28

It's his gift, you have seperate finances, it's none of your business. YABU.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Fri 28-Dec-12 22:10:39

Are you saving for a big joint purchase like a house deposit or something? Perhaps he's squirreling for that.

scarletfestivefingernail Fri 28-Dec-12 22:11:03

Maybe he hasn't decided yet whether to cash the cheque. He may feel uncomfortable accepting that amount of money and is thinking that he might not pay it in? If he decides not to keep the money he may think it better if you knew nothing about it.

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