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To wonder why when you have kids your parents (read Mother) thinks they are theirs

(38 Posts)
YesIamYourSisterInLaw Fri 28-Dec-12 19:48:44

Seriously you've had your kids, just back the fuck off!! Arghhh

Head explodes

TidyDancer Fri 28-Dec-12 19:50:21

What has she done?

ChristmasJubilee Fri 28-Dec-12 19:52:03

Mine has never had that problem.

amistillsexy Fri 28-Dec-12 19:53:51

Mine has exactly this problem, but only with some of her 7 grandchildren. The rest might as well be next door's hmm

SugaricePlumFairy Fri 28-Dec-12 19:54:20

Both my mother and mil have never been overbearing and they lived within minutes of us when ds's were born.

What's happened?

louisdog Fri 28-Dec-12 19:57:14

Yeah mine's a bit like that and she also phones and asks when she can see DD but doesn't ever ask how I am or say she wants to see me!

MIL completely disinterested in DD - I can't decide which is worst!

YANBU!

festivelyfocussed Fri 28-Dec-12 19:58:02

I do kwym. When I was pregnant with my first child friends used to alert me (in good humour) to the fact that whilst I might think that this was mine and dh's baby, it was actually the baby of both our families too. I was quite possessive about him to begin with but I'm growing to see that he is v. Important to family too. I wonder how I will feel if i'mfortunate enough to become a grandmother.

Rhubarbgarden Fri 28-Dec-12 19:58:46

I would love to have this problem.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 28-Dec-12 20:00:04

Yabu in my current opinion. My mum had 9 miscarriages before she had her three children. She always said she would never love anyone more than us. Then my ds was born and she said she takes that promise not to love anyone more than us back. Ds was all the fun of having a baby without the responsibility of being a parent. I can't believe how much she loved him. She died when ds was only 2.3 and I'm so sad and fear he won't remember her.

However this is all with the benefit of hindsight of course because before she died I could have written your post OP. I didn't appreciate the relationship my son had with his gm until it was gone.

Hope that isn't too much of a downer on the thread smile

BillyBollyBrandy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:01:03

My dm doesn't think dd1 is hers, sadly dd1 wishes her dgm was actually her much more relaxed chocolate giving dm.

Boo sucks dd1 grin

Fisharefriendsnotfood Fri 28-Dec-12 20:03:41

My mother refers to herself as mummy to the dc and me as grandma confused

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 20:04:18

Mine would rather look after my sisters dog than my DC, so I am jealous!!

festivelyfocussed Fri 28-Dec-12 20:04:27

Sticker- sorry about your mum.

Tinkerisdead Fri 28-Dec-12 20:06:43

Oh mine does this. She actually ignores us all and only talks to or through dd1. Dd2 doesn't get even a sideways glance really. And she shouts. She doesn't just talk to dd she shouts her words like "look at me being a lovely nanny".

It gets my goat. If I say sit nicely at the table she'll tell dd she can go and play. If dd tantrums and I come down to her level my DM will stand at my shoulder saying "dd, dd come with nanny. Talk to nanny". And she only sees her about once every 12 weeks.

Mil on the other hand is diamond. She's more inclined to say "listen to your mother dd. Do as she says!"

iwillsleepagainsomeday Fri 28-Dec-12 20:06:51

my MIL has this symptom

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 20:12:09

hmm. i said i'd never do it. but my grandaughter is 13mo and recently i introduced her to a work colleague... completely forgetting to introduce her mum, my precious daughter, who was holding her! fortunately, daughter is even more devoted to her baby than i am, so she saw the funny side. phew!

you know how strong the mothering instinct is? well its exactly the same for your grandchildren. i was amazed. as soon as i saw the baby, my let-down ache started. if i'd needed to, i'd have re-lactated after a break of 25 years to be able to feed that baby. that wasn't something i wanted, it was something i noticed.

i think, i hope, i pray, that i behave properly towards my daughter and give her the respect a mother deserves. but sometimes i know i say things she'd rather i didn't, or hold views that are different from hers. but i know she's the mum. i had my turn. and she's a lovely mummy too, bringing up her baby really well. i'm very proud of her, and of grandaughter, and of my son in law.

but in truth, they are all mine. mine! all mine! grin

AmberNectarine Fri 28-Dec-12 20:13:34

My mum does this, she lumps all us DCs and DGCs in together on the love scale. Doesn't bother me in the least, for my DCs and DNs to have two more people to feel that kind of all-encompassing love for them is the cat's pyjamas. Makes me happy to know that if anything ever happened to me and DH they would be just as loved.

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 20:17:34

Love bunny that's lovely

catgirl1976geesealaying Fri 28-Dec-12 20:20:13

My mum adores DS so much she could be guilty of this

But I love how much she loves him (and he her)

When it comes from a place of love I think it's great......you can't have too much love

Plus she manages to support without interfering, which is fantastic

It sounds like you may be having a different experience though OP sad

RubyrooUK Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:00

My mum once said that you never think you'll love anyone like your children. Then you have grandchildren and you do feel the same in terms of love, but without the gut-churning daily responsibilities, because that is the parent's concern. So it is this amazing bonus gift that you never knew would exist until it happened.

Explains why she drives me mad sometimes then. grin

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:33

My mum struggled a little bit with this when my older children were babies. She undermined me, interfered and made me feel inferior.It took me telling her, very forcefully to back the hell off, that even though I was youngish I was their mother and I would raise them how I wished

It was the best thing I've ever done, my mum immediately switched into granny mode and now we are closer than ever. She respects me as their mother and I trust her implicitly with my dc. She comes on holiday with us, she practically lives with us and because she doesn't interfere we all get along brilliantly, me and my dc are lucky to have her. But if I hadn't drawn that line in the sand I'm sure we would have continued to clash and she wouldn't be half as involved as she is now so it really was win win

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Fri 28-Dec-12 20:24:58

Oh I'm sorry for those of you who have lost your mothers, I know I am an ungrateful bitch.
I'm just sick to the back teeth of it. Every since ds was born she has told me I'm doing it " wrong" if I don't do it her way. She was very much a hippy parent and she can't see my ds does not respond to that he needs routine and I know this because I went down the co sleeping sling wearing route till he was 11 months.
When we first did sleep training she have me so much grief but when it had worked ( after 3 days of only crying for 3omins then 20 then 10) and he was so much happier because he was actually sleeping and better in himself she did a complete 180.

Tonight has kicked off because ds was crying and she said he needed a cuddle. He was crying because she was here and he plays up to nanny because he knows she will pander to him.
I told her if I cuddle him he will cry again when I put him down because she is there.
She then starts saying he needs reassurance because me and Dh have split and that maybe I should have had batteries put in him so I could switch him off when it suits me!
I told her he her if she can't back off and support me she should leave ( she lives here, lucky me) and she replies that she will and well see how I cope without her. She pays pittance to live here, takes over my son and makes me feel like shit. I think I will be coping just fine

Sorry for the essay and to fill the blanks ds is 18 months me and ex split 3 weeks ago and we have joint custody which despite my initial reservations is working really well for him and he actually seems happier. My mother was also saying this herself only 2days ago but now because it suits her he is desperately unhappy. Oh and she also called ds my baggage.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Fri 28-Dec-12 20:30:58

mattheodds that is exactly the same for me only I have told her several times to just be granny and she says she will change but doesn't. I wouldn't care if she just took him out and had fun but its the butting in, undermining me and telling me I'm doing t wrong.
She went believe that she was in fact a big factor of why me and ex split because she's so easy to live with and it's the rest of the world not her.
I love her to absolute pieces, I never dreamed in a. Million years she would turn like this.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 28-Dec-12 20:38:03

Sorry yesiam, I don't mean to imply that it was an easy problem to fix, I am very lucky that my mum is a wonderful person who just needed a little push to to stop what she was doing

Please don't feel bad for posting, it sounds like a really difficult situation and I hope you can find a solution because it must be a nightmare living like this

RubyrooUK Fri 28-Dec-12 20:44:14

Do you think things are only this bad because of the living situation OP?

I know that although I adore my mum, it would drive me mad if we lived together. She does things her way and that's fine for holidays and so on, but I also want to do things my way as an adult.

Add to this the fact that you have just separated from your partner, which is extremely hard, and I expect you need to feel like you have control over your own life. Which is very hard with your mum there all the time.

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