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To make dh choose-me or his mother?

(238 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:08

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

MaryPoppinsBag Fri 28-Dec-12 19:22:36

docs = do a

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 19:25:42

I do not work, dcs (11,5,3,8ms) all have genetic syndrome and other health issues related to it. 3 of them receive dla for this.

We rent but it is a council house so relatively secure

Jux Fri 28-Dec-12 19:34:45

Sad though it is, you are right. He needs to go, and you need to cut all financial ties. You will manage on your own. He will get more and more caught up with his family's debts. You need to ensure your own financial position is unassailable, so CSA straight away to make sure that whatever money he has to pay for the dcs is taken before his mum/sister gets it.

suburbophobe Fri 28-Dec-12 19:35:59

he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

This tells you all you need to know.

He and his family have financially abused you for years.

What are you going to do about it?

I would extracate (sp?) myself from this situation. Pronto!

By pandering to their numerous requests you are letting them walk all over you and actually giving them the money you should be spending on yourself and the DCs, making the best life you can for you all.

redexpat Fri 28-Dec-12 19:41:03

I'm glad you are angry. I'm angry just from reading the post. My first ever LTB. Please stay angry. Please don't give in.

yousmell Fri 28-Dec-12 19:54:05

Agree his primary responsibility is to you and the kids. He needs to provide for his own children first. Not his brother/mum/sister.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Fri 28-Dec-12 19:54:13

This prick has been lying to you for 11 years.

He saw a young girl with a good job and promised her what she wanted if only she would take out a loan he knew she would be left to pay.

He's not a mug. You are.

You're the cash cow and you always have been. He's just like the rest of his family.

3 lots of DLA? They must be delighted with that.

He's only giving you all that guff about how he can't help it and it will all change because he senses you pulling away.

You were very foolish to tie yourself legally and financially to this thief and his family of con artists.

I bet he made you believe he was doing you a favour too.

Get away from him. He has never treated you properly.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:15:27

The only thing I think I managed to do right (on the advice of the council) was put him down as an occupant on my tenancy rather than have a joint tenancy. If I had done that I could have lost my house too.

We do not have any joint bank accounts either.I do not know of anything fraudulently in my name, only dhs.time will tell I expect.

SugaricePlumFairy Fri 28-Dec-12 21:37:21

I really feel for you.

Think of the New Year as a new beginning for you and the children , tell him to leave and then never look back.

You will be fine! [ smile]

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Fri 28-Dec-12 21:48:04

Bless you op my face was like this shock reading your post.
You deserve so much more than this, please be strong.
God I just want to give you a cuddle, I don't care if its unmumsnetty you can all stare and tut at me grin

buildingmycorestrength Fri 28-Dec-12 21:50:10

ariane, I was on another thread of yours, about the house, and have been concerned about your situation even before I knew all this! This is shocking.

You must get a separate account now, and get some professional help from people who are able to assist with extricating yourself and the children.

Do it for them.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:56:59

Building-yes my whole life is a bit of a disaster, I feel like I'm in a tangled up web of misery.Problems with dh and money,problems with my mum/sister and dcs health issues.

It is hard to know where to start and what to do. A lot of things have got too much recently, I have been unwell and run down the past couple of weeks and when that letter came today I completely lost my temper.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:01:34

YesIam-thankyou it means a lot to hear that-funny how complete strangers offer me more kindness than my own dh.

MollyMurphy Fri 28-Dec-12 22:04:47

DON'T do anything until you get a separate account, gather as much documentation as possible (bank records etc) of how your DH and his family have been abusing your trust and get your ducks in a row. these people have already shown you their true colours so you know they are arable of nasty behaviour - and you want to be prepared to tackle any custody and access disputes.

I was going to suggest counselling but your DH is being so inappropriate.....I think you need to start making preparations.

Sorry your in this position sad

MollyMurphy Fri 28-Dec-12 22:05:41


DorisIsWaiting Fri 28-Dec-12 22:11:45

I really agreee with the posts above -

He seems to be weak and spineless when it comes to his family.

It amy be worthwhile getting a credit check done (experian or similar) to make sureyou don't get anymore surprises...

I hope you find the strength to see a way through this and find the peace that you deserve.

cees Fri 28-Dec-12 22:14:22

Christ that is awful, I'd say your dh is a prick and his family vipers but you know all that.

You shouldn't have to fight so hard for money off their Dad when he hands it out without thought for his wife and children to your in-laws.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:17:14

I already have my own account, never felt it was a good idea to have a joint one.

Counselling wouldn't work dh is so loyal to his family he will never change, he would just make empty promises to keep me quiet.He works for his brother so he will never tell them he wants his money back as he doesn't want to fall out with them.No part of his life seems to be independant from them it is a horribly unhealthy situation.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 22:18:48

This time if they go pester you, report them to the police.

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 22:19:27

Is there still such a thing as Sure Start? You clearly need support at home, and some kind of help like that could be very useful for you atm.

CrazyChristmasLady Fri 28-Dec-12 22:27:28

"Counselling wouldn't work dh is so loyal to his family he will never change, he would just make empty promises to keep me quiet.He works for his brother so he will never tell them he wants his money back as he doesn't want to fall out with them.No part of his life seems to be independant from them it is a horribly unhealthy situation. "

Sadly you have answered your own question. You don't need any of us to tell you that you need to leave him and stick to it (or rather kick him out). The fact that you have made provisions like not having joint accounts and not having him as a joint tennant says it all. You don't trust him. Do you really want to live for the next 50 or so years like this?

He isn't going to change. He isn't going to suddenly put his wife and children before his freeloading family, you really do need to get rid and look to a future without him and his awful family. sad

CrazyChristmasLady Fri 28-Dec-12 22:27:54

SureStart are still around and will be helpful.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 22:44:09

Yes I did make provisions like keeping seperate bank accounts, not having a joint tenancy because I knew things were not going well.

I tried to cut back on things to compensate for his lending to his family but it got to the point where I couldn't cut back anymore. I secretly got out 2 credit cards of my own (nothing on them-he has no idea I've got them) in case one week I couldn't pay the rent/bills/food as his wages were becoming erratic.

I hoped I was just being over cautious and that it wouldn't come to this but the letter today just filled me with rage it may as well have come through the door with flashing lights on it was a complete wake up call as to how much they are laughing at tried to deny she knew what it was for, dh tried to defend her its as if he can't see her for what she really is.I can hardly bear to even look at him tonight but its ds birthday tomorrow once that's all done he has to go.even when I reminded him we have only got ds1 1 present because we have no money he didn't flinch he just cannot see it from my point of view at all.

pigletmania Fri 28-Dec-12 23:57:49

Nah op the has to stop right now. He is nt a good husband or father putting everybody's needs above his children and wife and not caring about it. Your better off without this leech, go at it alone, make your own happiness.

mrslaughan Sat 29-Dec-12 00:05:31

kick him out - his children and you are better off without him. His whole family are practising some sort of abuse on you and your children.

And I would ring the catelogue people and tell them where your MIL lives - but then I can be a spiteful bitch.

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