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To make dh choose-me or his mother?

(238 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:08

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

sue52 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:58:04

Good Fathers put their children first. Your Dh puts his children's interests low in his priorities. Why did you get back together after his mother tried to con you out of £8000? I would be finding ways to kick him out of your home if I were you. You are not horrible, his family are.

SugaricePlumFairy Fri 28-Dec-12 16:58:35

You will cope if you ask him to leave even with 4 dc's. smile

This situation will never improve, it is ingrained in him to be the family cash cow and doormat.

Be honest with yourself about the future for you and your children as he will never put you and them first.

BarredfromhavingStella Fri 28-Dec-12 16:58:46

Why are you still with this man? As Nanny said, he is not a good father as he is not putting his children 1st.

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 16:59:52

I wondered that too, sue52.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:01:09

Well, wonderful in the sense that he is lovely with the kids, gets up through the night with them when they are ill and they all adore him. But they do not know when they ask for something and can't have it that its because he has lent all his money to his mum/sister/whoever so not wonderful at all in that sense.

I can't make him see what they are doing though sad

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers Fri 28-Dec-12 17:03:54

So you have a choice now - live like this forever or do something about it to guarantee your own sanity and financial security. If you choose to stay with him this will be your life forever - is that really what you want?

forgetmenots Fri 28-Dec-12 17:04:51

He'll only see it if you do something about it. Leave or call the police. Give him a chance to respond and follow through if he doesn't. This is shocking.

SantasENormaSnob Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:04

Ffs get rid of this loser and his loser family.

You will always come a very poor second to these scroungers.

A good father doesn't behave like this.

OxfordBags Fri 28-Dec-12 17:06:17

He can say no to people, though, can't he? He can say no to YOU. He can say no to his wife, his children, when it comes to their needs. The people who are supposed to matter most, who need him most, can hear no a hundred times. A good father does not say yes to others when his wife is struggling to scrape together the cash for a few nappies.

He is enmeshed in a totally toxic, immature dysfunction with various, if not all, memebers of his family. He enables them. Sadly, by tolerating this and staying you are enabling him. I know you don't want to, but you're being forced into doing so. And your DC are learning the same terrible lesson that he himself was damaged by: that you pander to a messed-up parents issues, no matter if they destroy everyone else...

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 17:07:04

Either separate your finances or accept that you will spend your whole life subbing his family.

Have all your money in an account that only you can access. Get your name taken off anything you can, close anything that's in your name. Get copies of your credit reports.
And seriosly consider whethervyou want to be with this man.

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 17:11:49

What she did was identity theft.
And the company should not have granted credit without proof of identity.

The fact is that money is being taken away from you, through your H.

You are right to ask him to choose.
I suspect you'd be better off financially without all this.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:11:50

I got back with him because I loved him I have tried and tried and tried to make it work but he can't see sense.

I never expected things to get to this stage I think I was hoping he would realise or that his mother would see that we have 4dcs with serious health problems and perhaps she should stop taking money from him.I have probably been in denial.

All I want him to do is say sorry, that he can see his family are wrong and to stick up for me and dcs.To tell his mum to pay her own debts and to keep on at his brother and sister about what they owe us.

I have gone without so much so have dcs and I cannot carry on like this.

I love him.But I love dcs more they come first.

misterwife Fri 28-Dec-12 17:12:00

Your DH is a nincompoop and you should shop his DM to the cops.

Doha Fri 28-Dec-12 17:12:17

He has chosen tho love hasn't he. He took out another credit card--that is decitful. He has put his family before you and your DC's and will happily keep you on the breadline while his mother and sisters have all the luxuries.

He is NOT a nice kind man. He is a liar and a fool.

Please take the control and decisions away from him. you are your DC;s deserve to live worry free about bills and this toxic family.

You and your DC's deserve so much better

Lueji Fri 28-Dec-12 17:12:33

Also, are you sure this account was used by her, not him?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 17:13:47

He doesn't seem to have a problem saying no to you. So clearly he can
He just has to want to...

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:22:00

Yes it was a plus size clothing catalogue I had seen it round her house she had shown us bits she had got I just didn't know it was in dhs name till today when debt collection letter came.

Worst bit was when he was trying to say that if they can avoid it for 7 years it'll get written off anyway? Wtf?? I told him if u want something then you pay for it you don't hide for 7 years just to get things for free and that its an awful attitude to have.

I told him to phone his mum and tell her to pay it by the deadline but hed rather we pay it or ignore it and get blacklisted because his mum can't afford it

MurderOfGoths Fri 28-Dec-12 17:26:27

I was all prepared to say YABU as I loathe people asking others to choose like that, but this is ridiculous.

As others have pointed out, he says no to you. Why should his family be any different? He needs to put his kids first and he isn't right now.

He needs to decide what is more important looking after his DC's or treating his leeches family. And you need to accept whichever decision he makes, if he decides on them then you have to walk away. If you don't then he'll just continue as there will be no consequences. You and your DC deserve better.

Hard as it may be, you will be better off without him if he doesn't stop giving in to his family.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 17:30:35

He's clearly not going to change so sorry to say it but its YOU who's going to have to choose here.

Cos he already has.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 17:36:37

I just know I can't carry on financially this way. I can barely manage now and the debts keep going up.

Iam going to have to ask him to leave. I'm so sad

PackItInNow Fri 28-Dec-12 17:37:29

Give him an ultimatum. He either puts you and the DC's 1st, or you ring the police on his mum for fraud.

It's about time he put you and the kids 1st for once. Giving him that ultimatum may make him think about what he's doing. TBH, any man who puts everyone and everything else before his immediate (wife and kids) family isn't a man who deserves a good wife like yourself.

SantasENormaSnob Fri 28-Dec-12 17:37:49

The whole family are a bunch of freeloading scrounging twats.

He is putting them way above you and the dc.

By continuing this you are putting him above your own dc.

You said yourself that they have had to go without because of this.

You need to put them first.

sleepyhead Fri 28-Dec-12 17:38:23

This will have been going on his whole life. He may have experienced some very bad times as a child and his mother has had his whole lifetime (and then some) to refine the guilt trips and the melodrama and the "if you loved me...".

Much of his self-worth will have been built around the completely conditional love of his family etc, etc, etc. Really, really unhealthy stuff.

Anyway, unfortunately for you he's learned at his mother's knee all this "if you loved me.." crap and "you're lucky to have me" and "if you don't do this, then that". It's in every fibre of his being and unlikely to change I'm afraid.

The family will take him for every penny that he has, and hasn't, got. They will take you - as an extension of him and they will absolutely see this as their right - for every penny that you have. They will take your children, and your grandchildren for every penny. They will never stop feeling entitled to it - because family supports one another, and in their eyes they see no problem in you doing the supporting and them doing the taking.

Cut loose sad

FarrahFawcettsFlick Fri 28-Dec-12 17:40:03

DH has made the choice to fund his family at his own DCs expense.

After 11 years things won't change, he could have made the change when you left last time. Taking his credit cards off him has solved nothing, because he doesn't want to change. His feelings of duty/love/responsibility to his family outweigh his feelings of duty/love/responsibility to his own children and you.

Even after (the love and expense of) 4 children he still leaves you/DCs scraping for money. You continue to scrape by, making those ever shorter ends meet. Because you are able to do this, his family will continue to leach off you.

He has made his choice, you make yours.

Being single you will have the control and financial security. Ultimately happier than you are now. Don't be scared, it can't be any worse than what you are feeling now.

diddl Fri 28-Dec-12 17:40:08

"I never expected things to get to this stage"

But when you were just 18 & his girlfriend, he tried to fleece you of 8000GBP!!

Why didn´t he get the loan himself?

Things started bad & have stayed bad!

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