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To make dh choose-me or his mother?

(238 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:18:08

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

RedHelenB Fri 28-Dec-12 16:20:40

Think he's made his choice already, I'm sorry to say.

rubyslippers Fri 28-Dec-12 16:21:42

Actually I think you're right

His primary responsibility is to you and your children

Also, isn't it fraud for his mum to open an account at your address?

Get some legal advice pronto

He's demonstrated he won't change and puts his extended family's needs above yours continuously

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Fri 28-Dec-12 16:23:22

I couldn't live that way. YANBU

SugaricePlumFairy Fri 28-Dec-12 16:24:06

Sorry but you will always come second to them.

Look out for your children yourself, you'll have nothing if it's left to him.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Moominsarescary Fri 28-Dec-12 16:24:21

Did you post about this before? Something about claiming back the ppi?

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:25:08

She opened it a couple of years ago when he was living with her he didn't even know but he isn't angry with her.

I've tried and tried with him so many times we got married this year but his family keep borrowing/taking money I cannot do it anymore he will not stick up for me and dcs and we are going without so much as have no money.

He actually said how out of order I am being saying that they have to pay us back/pay this latest bill.

I think he is a conplete doormat

quoteunquote Fri 28-Dec-12 16:25:09

his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter

Fraud, report to the police, phone 101.

You have to separate from this, or you will be funding them forever,

Your husband needs to decide if he wants to come with you,

if his family decide to cut contact with him because he won't bank roll them, then they don't love him anyway. They are just using him, he may not be able to face that.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:26:44

Yes I have posted before I claimed back the ppi on the loan.

It doesn't ever get any better I feel like I'm banging my head againsta wall I can't make him see how they are taking advantage sad

SugaricePlumFairy Fri 28-Dec-12 16:29:00

Your H is a tool.

He will drag you down, you'll have to be ruthless as he will never stand up to them.

milf90 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:32:20

YANBU, continue with your ultimatum, its the only way you are either 1. going to make him see sense or 2. get your life/money back on track!

its sad to think you have to do this, but do you really want to be with someone who always puts you second behind his family?

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:33:46

I thought I had been ruthless I had even taken his bank card off him and I was in complete control of finances or so I thought.

He got another credit card though and used that.

Now this latest catalogue bill.Everytime I tell him to phone his mum/sister/brother to ask about paying us back he gets cross with me and if I do it myself he gets annoyed.Why should I go without to fund their lifestyle.

I think I hate them all.Iam so upset

Moominsarescary Fri 28-Dec-12 16:34:49

She sounds like a nightmare, he really needs to grow a pair.

I agree with sugarice except I'll change it to they will both drag you down. What sort of person does that to their son. I'm not sure what you can do though if he's not willing to see her for what she is.

VBisme Fri 28-Dec-12 16:35:41

Utterly horrified that a mother could do that to her child.

You need to get away from them, if that means your DH as well then I think thats what you have to do.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 16:38:21

It sounds as if you will be a lot better off financially without your dh and his freeloading family.

You've given him a choice and all you can now is stand firm and take it on the chin if he decides to put his other relatives above you and the dc.

Given the sums of money you've mentioned, YANBU and your dh has had plenty of opportunity to put an end to the liberties his family have taken with your joint finances.

It could be that if you send him off to live with his family he'll see the error of his ways, particularly if he's got debt collectors hounding him for his dm's mail order bill which, if it's in his name, will be his sole responsibility and you set the CSA on him for child support.

Why not report your post and ask mumsnet to move it to the Relationships board where you'll get excellent advice on dealing with your dh and what your various financial/benefit entitlements are likely to be

diddl Fri 28-Dec-12 16:38:28

It does sound as if he has made his choice, doesn´t it?

I mean let´s face it, what´s changed since you were 18??

forthesakeofoldQODsyne Fri 28-Dec-12 16:42:07

You've posted about this sort of behaviour before? I do remember the ppi bit

Toxic rotten family, he needs to choose, actually, YOU need to choose.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:42:46

I have tried for so long to sort this all out but he will not change.

I just want to be a normal family Iam not bothered about not having much money I was quite happy to muddle along with what we have pay the bills and make the best of things but I've cut back time and time again because of his family taking money and not paying back and now I've had enough.I was so pleased when we got married he PROMISED that was the end of it.

What on earth will I do though if he goes I won't cope dcs all have a genetic condition and can be very poorly at times but I can't continue like this I feel distraught and so let down.

izzyizin Fri 28-Dec-12 16:43:10

Apologies for an omission in my post of 16.38.21: the last sentence should read 'what your various financial/benefit entitlements are likely to be as a single parent.

As a PS, what is his problem? Why doesn't he simply say no to his famly's unreasonable demands for money? Does he like to play the big man, flash with your his cash? Or is it that he's not cut the apron strings and is incapable of telling his mummy to stop squeezing him for cash like a lemon?

orangerex Fri 28-Dec-12 16:45:10

YANBU but you will have to stick to your ultimatum now.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:45:38

The awful thing is in every other way he is lovely.kind , a wonderful dad to dcs, does housework but his family and this situation with money-it ruins everything.

ariane5 Fri 28-Dec-12 16:49:47

He just cannot say no to anybody.I do not know why he just does exactly what they say.

He actually told me I was the horrible one that I should be pleased to be with somebody as kind as him??? I couldn't believe it he doesn't seem to think what his family are doing is wrong at all.

I have been on and off benefits the last few years as and when things have gone wrong but this time I can't take it anymore I have so much to deal with dcs health problems that I can't take this as well.At least I know I would be able to pay my bills etc and be free from his family stealing if he went.Its his problem then.

Nanny0gg Fri 28-Dec-12 16:51:10

He is not a wonderful dad.

ImperialBlether Fri 28-Dec-12 16:51:40

Maybe you should split up, live separately, look after your own money but have him come round to help with the children, if they're not well?

He won't change. I'm really surprised you married him, tbh. I wouldn't have married him after what happened when you were 18.

forgetmenots Fri 28-Dec-12 16:53:03

YANBU. Call the police, this is fraud, if he won't sort it out. You and his children are also his family and you aren't the ones draining money from him fraudulently. Don't make it a choice. Say you will phone the police if this is not stopped for once and for all.

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