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To think this is a deal-breaker?

(43 Posts)
formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 14:54:08

Dp called our ds evil. To his face. And said he was sick in the head. And that he should go to a boarding school. Ds is a lively, challenging 4 yo. Dp is now refusing to go near ds: won't play with him, help him get dressed, nothing. This has been going on for 4 days.
It's the last straw isn't it.
My poor ds.

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Sat 29-Dec-12 09:05:06

formally I wish you all the best. Ending a relationship is never simple when children are involved,but its easier when the adults act like adults.
Very unmumsnetty ((((hugs))))

formallyknownasloveydarling Sat 29-Dec-12 08:33:12

Thanks for the support. It's of course more complex than this one comment. He hasn't taken too well to having kids generally I suppose. It is a bit like walking on eggshells sometimes. I have spent hours reading emotional abuse on relationships but never sure if it really applies to me and the kids. Sometimes it's hard to see clearly. But we are stating with friends atm so he is with the kids all day which is unusual as he normally works long hours.
I think I am beginning realize he has to go and I feel strangely calm about it like I have finally reached the right decision. I need a shit load of practical help though so yes I will post in relationships. Good idea.

pictish Sat 29-Dec-12 00:12:00

Sounds like a plan.

He can't stay in his current frame of mind, I agree.

Agree with all the good advice on here, he needs to go,get some space,help and prof support.

The only saving grace is perhaps your ds is a bit too little to understand exactly everything that is going on at the moment. But it will give you time to repair the damage and spend time showering him with love and positive thoughts.

What on earth would possess him to say that!? I'm perplexed. However I look at pics of me and dbro as gorgeous little toddlers, and wonder how my dad could have picked us up by the hair and thrown us round the room.

Protect your ds. Sending you unMN hugs x

maddening Sat 29-Dec-12 00:00:43

What does dh say when you challenge his behaviour?

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 22:53:24

Your plan is absolutely spot on. Sorry you are going through this. You are absolutely right to put your DS first

cumfy Fri 28-Dec-12 22:50:36

Yes and I would inform GP.

He still thinks DS is evil ?

pigletmania Fri 28-Dec-12 22:46:34

Yes it is and I would. Not be with someone like that. Your ds comes first and your partners behaviour towards him is going to have a negatvimact n him

Cherylkerl Fri 28-Dec-12 22:33:39

This is heartbreaking.

Your plan sounds good.

You might want to get this moved to relationships and talk abit more about your DH to explore this a bit more incase it's a piece of a disturbing jigsaw puzzle. Read the stately homes thread and the red flags thread, if you recognise any behaviour as a parent or partner that hadn't seemed significant.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 22:25:46

Your plan sounds spot on.

I would support my dh, but not if it damaged the children. I would make clear that I would still support him if he doesn't live with us.

As awful as having a breakdown must be, the effects on your child coulod last into adulthood.

You have an excellent plan op. carry it out.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 28-Dec-12 15:44:50


I think your DP needs to leave whilst he receives help. If he won't go,take your Ds and live elsewhere for a time.

That's an awful thing to say. As is blaming you and DS for his breakdown. Very unhealthy environment to be living in for you as well as DS.

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 15:38:08

i don't care how ill your partner is, or how nice he used to be. if you can't get him out, leave and take your son.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:35:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 15:35:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Montybojangles Fri 28-Dec-12 15:33:33

Would you have expected anything like this from your DP a year ago? If this is a relatively new change in his behaviour I think you need to get him seen by GP pronto, as likely to be mental health related. Sounds like he needs help/medication.
Have you spoken to him about how he feels? Has he explained why he can't go near your son right now? Perhaps he is scared he wil say nasty things to him again and is trying to avoid doing this as he knows it is wrong, but can't control himself.
I would be trying to get my OH some urgent help if I were in your situation. Has he got a history of mental illness?
Most important thing is to make sure your son is safe, so perhaps best for husband to keep away from him if he's feeling very angry.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:31:26

I think your plan sounds along the right lines. Perhaps phone doctor today? Would dp go to doctor willingly?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Fri 28-Dec-12 15:28:43

If he thinks your child is evil, he needs to leave. You must ensure your child is safe. Physically and emotionally.

formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 15:28:38

Yes ds is his son. His behavior can be challenging. He exhibits ADHD traits but who knows. And this can't be having a positive impact.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:27:48

X post op.

OnaPromise Fri 28-Dec-12 15:26:30

What are you thinking of doing OP?

yes it sounds as if dh is not behaving rationally and needs some help but you need to protect your child first and foremost.

Perhaps you need to speak to someone about this in real life, doctor or social work for instance? I really think you should do this asap and make some kind of plan because I'm concerned about the situation you're describing.

formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 28-Dec-12 15:25:00

These are my thoughts:
Dp goes to doctor
Dp lives elsewhere whilst he has therapy/medication kicks in
I chat to doctor about effect on ds and implementation of possible therapy
Meanwhile I seek advice about separation and hope it doesn't come to that.

twinklesparkles Fri 28-Dec-12 15:17:46

Is he the father of your son?

YellowDinosaur Fri 28-Dec-12 15:16:24

Yes what yohoho said.

Get your dh some help. Now.

If he won't accept help it might be a deal breaker. But if he has had a breakdown he needs love and support and help to stop feeling like this not abandoning.

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 15:06:03

I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child like that, no way. It would be a deal breaker for me.

ohcluttergotme Fri 28-Dec-12 15:05:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable. What a nasty bully, your poor son. Is there somewhere you & ds can go to get away from him?

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