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to feel that we cannot possibly accept this?

(229 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Fri 28-Dec-12 13:55:09

My BF and I have been together for six months now and have just decided to move in together after finding out I am pregnant earlier this month. While this was completely unplanned, we are now both very happy and excited about having a baby together. I was initially very concerned about finances as my bf still has another 1.5 years before finishing med school and I am in the first year of my (paid) doctorate. However, I have since found out that I am entitled to maternity pay and as I have some savings, figured we would somehow be able to wing it until he starts work, even if that does involve sharing a studio flat and second hand baby clothes.

I met BF's parents for the first time earlier this month, which is also when we told them that I am pregnant. Let's just say BF and I are from COMPLETELY different backgrounds, as in I grew up in foster care and he went to boarding school and goes rowing and they have a freakin' beach house 'for weekends'. So I was already scared witless that they would be less than impressed at him bringing me home.

They had us over for Christmas and have now offered us a flat. I mean, what???? I barely know them, they probably think I am some kind of gold digger and getting pregnant was a ruse to get their son. BF thinks I am being crazy and that it's no problem at all. But I am not, am I now? That's not normal; I don't know them. I cannot let them give us a flat. We will manage somehow.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 13:58:30

Offered on what terms?

Santaslittlemisshelper Fri 28-Dec-12 13:58:51

I don't think they are being unreasonable to be honest, they just want to do a nice thing for their grandchild as its their sons baby too.

Just see it as a nice gesture on their behalf, I would take it if I was you!

strumpetpumpkin Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:28

id bite their hand off. Its not just you, its he 3 of you theyre thinking of

FivesGoldNorks Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:39

Congratulations grin
Not sure what to suggest about the flat - I do see where you're coming from. But bear in mind you're having their grandchild!
Is it possible (i have no idea if this is legal/practical) for them to buy a flat to put in trust for their grandchildren? And you live ib it for as long as you need - moving on when you're more financially secure?

WipsGlitter Fri 28-Dec-12 13:59:39

They are probably just trying to support their son. They barely know you but they are your BFs PARENTS. Take the chip off your shoulder about "backgrounds" and get to know them as people. Stop putting words in their mouth about being a gold digger.

yohohoho Fri 28-Dec-12 14:01:33

Yabu to assume there is a ulterior motive.

If they are rich they may have always planned on giving their son a flat when he set up his own home.

They sound like they have welcomed you into their family. It also sounds as though you are the one with an issue with the difference in your back grounds.

are they giving both of you a flat or will it be in his name?

What are your objections, exactly?
you don't have to accept

Whatdoiknowanyway Fri 28-Dec-12 14:01:35

I'd want to do the same for my children. Assume it's offered with love and accept.

WillYuleDoTheFandango Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:32

He's their child and if they can afford it why shouldn't they want to do something for him. If you don't feel you can accept it then you need to discuss it with him but I think YWBU just to dismiss it out of hand for the sake of pride.

I would say though that you will need to set some ground rules first, to discuss what they will expect in return for giving you a flat (I.e. a key, unrestricted access to grandchild, free reign to let themselves in whenever they want). As you both sound like you have the potential to be high earners could you put a plan in place to pay them back in the future?

kinkyfuckery Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:18

Maybe they would have given their son a flat upon graduation anyway?

Where are you both living just now?

Saccrofolium Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:34

Is this for real???

GreatGardenstuff Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:43

Helping your DC when they need you is what parents do. It sounds like you have a bit of an issue accepting that your BF is from a clearly wealthy background. This doesn't mean his parents hate you. Unless they have added conditions, it seems like this is something that will massively help you out, that they want to do for their DS and his partner.

Don't let your nervousness about the differences in your background stop you taking up a v generous offer.

thegreylady Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:44

Of course you can accept.The flat isnt just for you it is also a gift to their son and their future grandchild.They are trying to make things easier for all of you.
Dont throw their generosity in their faces-insist the flat is in the bloke's name if you like or accept it as a long rentfree loan till you can afford something better.
You are no gold digger and I bet they know their son well enough to know he wouldnt take up with such a person.
Be generous spirited and accept with thanks.They may be in your lives for a long long time.
Their gesture is perfectly normal-they have it, they can afford it, take it smile
Congratulations flowers

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:46

I'd want to know whether you're expected to pay them back, what rights will they have regarding access to the flat, decisions over what you do to the flat, how you choose to parent, and importantly whose name will the flat be in? What happens if you split up? Are you out on your arse, entitled to half the proceeds of a sale, what?

I think the posters saying "Lovely, go for it!" are being rather naïve!

MimiSunshine Fri 28-Dec-12 14:04:18

Well assuming most people are nice, they may have just thought "wow what a pickle they're in, we can help them out".
However if it makes you feel uncomfortable then sit down with your BF and tell him so, he may be used to this kind of gesture so it's no big deal. Then ask him call his parents and ask if you can meet up for a chat about it.

Just be honest and say that your uncomfortable with that level of generosity which you really appreciate but worry that it's too big a gift.

mrslaughan Fri 28-Dec-12 14:05:16

I think it is a very generous offer - I would accept it graciously.
You are in for a big reality check when DBaby arrives, it will be harder than you think, don't add to it, by adding financial woes/stress to the mix.

Looking at it cooly and un-emotionally, they probably want there DS to finish med-school, and do well, having a baby is not necessarily conducive for that.

It is a very generous offer.

What would you have preferred, that they threw a wobbly, threatened to excommunicate there DS...........

They are wealthy - you need to get over it, they will be part of your life now for a long time, that is one of the many realities of having a baby.

orangerex Fri 28-Dec-12 14:05:42

I think people who have had frugal upbringings find it hard to understand generous gifts, maybe even feel they don't deserve them? But if BF is happy to accept and his parents happy to give (to provide a good home for their grandchild?) then you should accept - and not feel that you owe them, as long as it is genuinely unconditional. Presumably you have worked/studied hard to get to where you are. You are expecting their son's baby, you do deserve it. It will be a while before BF is earning. Don't make your life now harder than it needs to be. But I can understand it taking some time to adjust to the idea after your upbringing!

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th Fri 28-Dec-12 14:06:50

Take it in the goodwill it's given. It might be in their name, or your bf name until you are married.

It's normal behavior for them. My best friends parents are like this, his parents seem to send iPads, laptops etc on a monthly basis to him and his partner. His partner came from a fairly harsh upbringing and at first found it awkward, but his partner just says accept it. Last month they got a brand new BMW!

Put yourself in their shoes, you have money,and property to spare. Your ds comes home with the love of his life, you've never seen him so happy. They need somewhere to live.

You'd do it too I bet...

Icelollycraving Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:14

Buying you a flat or paying the rent on it? Do they choose it or you & dp?
Accept it & enjoy being part of the family. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

MammaTJ Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:17

How lovely of them and how ungrateful of you to suspect their motives.

They are being kind and accepting. Be grateful. Be nice and let them be nice to you!!

EuphemiaInExcelsis Fri 28-Dec-12 14:07:41

What would you have preferred, that they threw a wobbly, threatened to excommunicate there DS

There are miles and miles of middle ground between this and being given a flat!

FrustratedSycamoreSnowflake Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:05

Bf has been offered a flat by his parents, they are supporting his commitment to you and the baby, and the chances are bf will be paying back his parents when he is qualified. I think it is a very wise move on his parents part as it guarantees their investment in him he will finish med school.
Take the offer and think no more of it.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:25

They are just being nice but it's understandable you feel overwhelmed and unsure. Definitely get things agreed about who owns it, what happens if you split, etc.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 28-Dec-12 14:09:32

Are they offering to buy one for you, or do they own lots of property? If they are landlords (ie own several flats which they rent out) you could be doing them a bit of a favour in occupying a flat that currently isn't let. But I would advise having a clear understanding of the terms: do they want rent? Would you have to move suddenly if they needed to sell the flat or let it out to paying tenants?

EuroShagmore Fri 28-Dec-12 14:10:51

I think it is a very generous offer, but it is worth finding out what terms it is given on. Are they buying it but letting you live there rent free? Is it a gift to him or both of you? Just so you know where you stand if there is a relationship breakdown (between you and your partner or with his parents).

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