To hope it doesn't happen for my sister in law just yet...(133 Posts)
So my in laws are trying for a baby. they are also planning on going to a wedding next Christmas the other side of the world. They have extracted an offer from my mil to nanny for them if they have a baby by then.
I'm very cross that theyre prepared to take my dc much loved granny away from them at this time of year (they'll be 3 and 1).
MASSIVE backstory: my in laws have been trying for a baby without success for a little over two years. DH and I have tried desperately hard to be supportive (e.g. over the 'announcement' of the pregnancy of our 3mo). In return we get a constant barrage of unwanted parenting advice and open hostility. I know - but can never understand - it must be awful for her. But there is no excuse for:
1. Suggesting my bil takes home a long forgotten toy from my pil that my 2 yo loves 'if its his'
2. Ignores my children
3. Sent a frankly vile email to me last may having refused to see me because i was pregnanct. among my crimes: not asking her before getting pregnant; suggesting we go out for a drink to talk - apparently my lack of alcohol consumption wold have been rubbing it in that i was pregnant and she was not.
4. Sent vile email to mil suggesting if she wants a continuing relationship with her she needs to stop her childcare of my dd for two days a week while i worked.
5. Ignored my birthday. not even a text. Six weeks later we left mil at family gathering as didn't want a confrontation in front of extended family as sil
I think the last few negative posts have been about the weird obsession with her MIL as opposed to her wishing infertility on her SIL to be honest.
YABU , it must be awful for her.
however on one level I would be wishing no pregnancy, she sounds like a complete whackjob , nevermind before pregnancy hormones, ;)
she sounds vile I would just cut her out.
I agree with TheOriginalLadyFT. The responses to private, unexpressed thoughts do seem quite extreme.
I can see how she has been awful to you OP BUT
I can't even begin to imagine how unbearable infertility must be, even when I was trying for DD1 (and we did not have problems) I used to find myself feeling horrible jealousy whenever anyone announced they were pregnant and couldn't bear to be around pregnant people or babies. It is totally irrational. I imagine these feelings are multiplied 1000 fold if they are having problems and it must seem a real possibility that this may never happen for them.
It is one christmas your DC will never in a million years remember this. Why not take the opportunity (if it even arises) to have a really special family christmas, I am sure there will be years to come when you would relish the opportunity to have time at home alone. My PIL are great lovely generous people and we spend every other christmas with them but now I would really like one year to have our own little christmas at home.
Anyway I know you have admitted you ABU, I would give your SIL a wide berth for now and in any event it is hugely unlikely that the issue is even going to arise.
Hey, the OP admitted she was BU and, apart from the original post, it sounds like she is bending over backwards to be considerate to SIL. Cut her some slack people!
In their defense, infertility is just awful. You have no understanding of just how bad it feels. I can only describe the daily day long emotion as utter grief and deep loss and animalistic longing rolled into a never ending roller coaster ride of fertility cycles/tests. My own bodies uselessness was always highlighted each time a friend/relative got pregnant. I would never wish infertility upon anyone I love.
I think you should be the adult in all this. She is obviously finding it all really really hard. So choose not to take offence with any of these incidents and see her behavior as a product of her unhappiness about her situation. Her behavior isn't really about you is it? So don't take it personally. Right now, not connecting with your kids and not making too much effort for birthdays etc is her way of coping with very heart wrenching infertility. Yes I understand her behavior isn't ideal but she must feel very mixed up and possibly could be depressed.
Also I think it's really lovely is your Mum looks after SIL's potential baby next Xmas. Share the love and support.
I find your hysteria over your mil not being around for Xmas very odd. Do you not see how horrible your thoughts are?
YABU so BU.
So SiL is selfish for suggesting when she has child MIL visits them but ^you* are not selfish for demanding MIL stay for Christmas with the grandchildren she can see all year round.
Right ok then
The SIL is being horrible.
But really, no granny for your kids at Christmas??
Get over yourself!!
OP you seem to have a sense of ownership and entitlement about your MIL which I find cloying and a bit creepy
This. It's just weird.
You're not in a situation you're creating one out of nothing.
They're allowed to have her for Christmas now, just so long as it's geographically acceptable to you? Frankly, that's just not normal!
As I said before, poor Granny.
I agree with other posters who have said that the whole family could probably do with a bit of distance and distraction from each other - you all sounds far to involved
I've typed and rewritten 3 messages...
I don't think anyone has the right to demand what their own or their dh's parents do at xmas, or any other time for that matter. IF ils or parents want a holiday at xmas then they are entitled to have one. Likewise no ils or parents should ever be obliged to provide childcare/babysitting. Ours did if we asked and we were very lucky on the one or two occasions a year we had some help.
I think you sound as though you all need to live a little more independently esp as you and year sil obv don't like each other. She's undoubtedly a cow and I don't like my SIL either but I am entirely disengaged from her and she lives thousands of miles away.
We have two dc; I had five pgs. My SIL was the sort of woman who carried twins to 41 weeks, delivered them in three hours without a stitch and EBF both until they were one. I detest her, but I never wished she or anyone else I have eVer known should fail to conceive. That is unkind in every way.
You see there's plenty in your OP where your SIL is being unreasonable but only in the "back story". In relation to going away next Christmas and possibly wanting to take your MIL with her I do not think she is remotely unreasonable. Your DC's won't be traumatised by having one Christmas without their Grandmother there and they can see you before they go away and after they get back if you want
It fascinates me how, when someone has the courage to admit to being less than perfect and to having normal human failings with regard to thinking (as opposed to saying) things that are less than ideal, they are flamed. How perfect all the flamers must be, to never experience jealousy, or selfishness, or unreasonableness!
OP has held her hand up and said, actually, I was feeling grim when I posted that and you're right, i was BU. She thought this thing, she didn't say it out loud or scream it at her SiL, despite what sounds like endless provocation. Which of us has NEVER thought something bad, or unkind or selfish? The self righteousness that sometimes goes on here is horrible
I feel for you, OP - not just for the situation you are in personally but for some of the downright nasty comments on here.
Stop focussing on SIL so much, would be my advice. Sack her off, don't socialise with her, as it is not working. Replace her and BIL as legal guardians in the event of your death pronto.
Rest assured, if she does get pregnant the relationship isn't magically going to resolve-she's just going to compete madly with you over MIL and anything else she can think of. Time to detach and let your husbands see each other on their own.
By having them their they are depriving mine of their Grandparents for several weeks!
Several weeks, wow, 14 whole days!?!
I'm not surprised your Sil behaves like a bitch, if she has you to contend with.
OP you seem to have a sense of ownership and entitlement about your MIL which I find cloying and a bit creepy.
Surely, she'll go if she wants and stay if she wants. If she wants to take the opportunity to have several weeks in Austrailia during their summertime, who would blame her, sounds like a great opportunity. She is a free agent, not answerable to you. You're blaming your SIL for a decision your MIL is going to make?
I don't suppose the fact that she won't be able to provide you with childcare for several weeks is influencing how you feel?
Maybe your MIL would like to visit Australia (or wherever the wedding is) have you thought about that? And what would you do if in the future you mil says she wants to go on a cruise over Christmas?
And I haven't been crying buckets over the prospect of my DC grandparents not being around next Christmas, I have however over the horrible situation we all find ourselves in (and yes, obviously it's less horrible for me than my SIL).
SIL of course they have as much right to expect their child's grandparents to be there.... provided they don't choose to spend Christmas the other side of the world. I think that's the key point. By having them their they are depriving mine of their Grandparents for several weeks! I think I'd care less if the wedding was actually on or around Christmas day. It isn't. It's ten days earlier. But they want someone on hand so they can go to see cricket, etc.....
quite frankly i think it makes you horrible. And having been the SIL trying to get pg and having my nose rubbed in it every time smug pg SIL saw me, I don't blame your SIL for being a bit prickly.. But the worst part is that you think you have a god given right to have YOUR kids grandmother there for their Xmas just because you got pg first. Your SIL has just as much right to expect her child's grandparents to be there for Christmas as you do - just because you got pg first doesn't mean you get first dibs on all your MIL's time at xmas. And having just had my little girl's first xmas ruined by my SIL, I think you need to look long and hard at your attitude.
Sorry, should be waltermittymistletoe
Quite agree waltermissymistletoe. It all sounds a bit over dramatic to me too.
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