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To hope it doesn't happen for my sister in law just yet...

(133 Posts)
pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 04:27:45

So my in laws are trying for a baby. they are also planning on going to a wedding next Christmas the other side of the world. They have extracted an offer from my mil to nanny for them if they have a baby by then.
I'm very cross that theyre prepared to take my dc much loved granny away from them at this time of year (they'll be 3 and 1).

MASSIVE backstory: my in laws have been trying for a baby without success for a little over two years. DH and I have tried desperately hard to be supportive (e.g. over the 'announcement' of the pregnancy of our 3mo). In return we get a constant barrage of unwanted parenting advice and open hostility. I know - but can never understand - it must be awful for her. But there is no excuse for:
1. Suggesting my bil takes home a long forgotten toy from my pil that my 2 yo loves 'if its his'
2. Ignores my children
3. Sent a frankly vile email to me last may having refused to see me because i was pregnanct. among my crimes: not asking her before getting pregnant; suggesting we go out for a drink to talk - apparently my lack of alcohol consumption wold have been rubbing it in that i was pregnant and she was not.
4. Sent vile email to mil suggesting if she wants a continuing relationship with her she needs to stop her childcare of my dd for two days a week while i worked.
5. Ignored my birthday. not even a text. Six weeks later we left mil at family gathering as didn't want a confrontation in front of extended family as sil

Uppermid Fri 28-Dec-12 18:34:05

Whattheoriginalladtft said in bucket loads.

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 28-Dec-12 18:38:51

I find your hysteria over your mil not being around for Xmas very odd. Do you not see how horrible your thoughts are?

yousmell Fri 28-Dec-12 20:23:50

In their defense, infertility is just awful. You have no understanding of just how bad it feels. I can only describe the daily day long emotion as utter grief and deep loss and animalistic longing rolled into a never ending roller coaster ride of fertility cycles/tests. My own bodies uselessness was always highlighted each time a friend/relative got pregnant. I would never wish infertility upon anyone I love.

I think you should be the adult in all this. She is obviously finding it all really really hard. So choose not to take offence with any of these incidents and see her behavior as a product of her unhappiness about her situation. Her behavior isn't really about you is it? So don't take it personally. Right now, not connecting with your kids and not making too much effort for birthdays etc is her way of coping with very heart wrenching infertility. Yes I understand her behavior isn't ideal but she must feel very mixed up and possibly could be depressed.

Also I think it's really lovely is your Mum looks after SIL's potential baby next Xmas. Share the love and support.

IceNoSlice Sat 29-Dec-12 08:02:23

Hey, the OP admitted she was BU and, apart from the original post, it sounds like she is bending over backwards to be considerate to SIL. Cut her some slack people!

whoneedssleepanyway Sat 29-Dec-12 08:13:25

I can see how she has been awful to you OP BUT

I can't even begin to imagine how unbearable infertility must be, even when I was trying for DD1 (and we did not have problems) I used to find myself feeling horrible jealousy whenever anyone announced they were pregnant and couldn't bear to be around pregnant people or babies. It is totally irrational. I imagine these feelings are multiplied 1000 fold if they are having problems and it must seem a real possibility that this may never happen for them.

It is one christmas your DC will never in a million years remember this. Why not take the opportunity (if it even arises) to have a really special family christmas, I am sure there will be years to come when you would relish the opportunity to have time at home alone. My PIL are great lovely generous people and we spend every other christmas with them but now I would really like one year to have our own little christmas at home.

Anyway I know you have admitted you ABU, I would give your SIL a wide berth for now and in any event it is hugely unlikely that the issue is even going to arise.

CruCru Sat 29-Dec-12 08:42:54

I agree with TheOriginalLadyFT. The responses to private, unexpressed thoughts do seem quite extreme.

YerMaw1989 Sat 29-Dec-12 10:23:22

YABU , it must be awful for her.

however on one level I would be wishing no pregnancy, she sounds like a complete whackjob , nevermind before pregnancy hormones, ;)

she sounds vile I would just cut her out.

waltermittymistletoe Sat 29-Dec-12 13:19:20

I think the last few negative posts have been about the weird obsession with her MIL as opposed to her wishing infertility on her SIL to be honest.

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