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to expect her to apologise or at least make contact first

(25 Posts)
calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 00:48:01

I invited everyone to mine for Christmas dinner. dh family and mine. dh would rather have gone to his families about 3 hours drive away and they would probably prefer it too but I refused because I wanted to be with my family and it wouldn't really work bringing them all with me to in laws. we have done this last 4 years and worked fine. Everyone accepted invitation and we ordered food in for 14 people. 2 weeks before Christmas I get told that they are not now coming because they are going to my sisters instead, she didn't tell me it just came up in conversation with my gp. then loads of awkwardness with some people now agreed to go to both and not sure what te do. some going mine and some going hers. elderly relatives getting really upset. sisters argument was she wanted to be with her dh family and too many of them to bring to mine. said I understand that but why then invite everyone else especially without telling me she was going to. she said no one is forcing them to go. That's true but she didn't give anyone full story just told people having dinner at hers so they assumed we had organised it between us. when rest of family realised I had now been left with none of my family for Christmas and way too much food they all felt terrible. to resolve it I arranged to have Christmas eve at mine which we did and it was fine. Sister didn't turn up, didn't even bother to say she wasn't coming. I have presents here for her and all her family. rest of my family think I should call her and clear the air. they think it all worked out in the end and as I'm older I should fix it.

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 00:51:31

I meant to edit that and maybe put a paragraph or 2 but clicked create by mistake, stupid phone. thanks for reading if you get this far!

peaceandlovebunny Fri 28-Dec-12 00:54:07

ignore your sister. she's rude and not very nice.

ZenNudist Fri 28-Dec-12 01:09:48

Not worth a family rift now the day is over and it all worked out fine. Your post comes across a little like you expect to be able to do Christmas your way every year and no one else gets a look in, not your dsis, not your dh. Whilst its generous to supply the food it would also be generous to let other people have Christmas their way once in a while.

Your dsis has gone about it the wrong way. She shouldn't have accepted your invite then not come, let alone organise an alternative party for the same people. Tell me, what would you have said/done if she had asked to host Christmas with the main family members leaving you to entertain just your ILs? Would you have got your elbows out and insisted everyone attended your do? It sounds like you are going to have to be more compromising with your Christmas arrangements in the future.

StuntGirl Fri 28-Dec-12 01:16:51

You've disregarded your husbands preferences (for four years?) and now you're upset your sister disregarded yours? Maybe she's sick of you calling the shots all the time?

DonderandBlitzen Fri 28-Dec-12 01:22:25

Very rude of your sister. I'd leave her to make contact.

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 01:27:21

zen, no not at all, we are skint and it was an expense we could do without. I asked everyone what they wanted to do months ago and no one wanted to do it and everyone wanted to come to mine. It has been at mine for last 4 years because no one else wanted it not because I insisted. my idea of a nice Christmas is relaxing and drinking not cooking for 14!! If she had said she wanted dinner at hers I would probably have suggested I go in laws Christmas eve and had Christmas dinner with my family which we have done in the past. Because money is tight it is even more annoying to spend money out unnecessarily as we ended up doing, we are giving food parcels to every neighbour and visitor! I do feel bad on my dh I have elderly relatives and worrying it could be their last Christmas makes me want to spend it with them, didn't happen anyway.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Fri 28-Dec-12 01:29:43

So DH wants it one way, his family agree and you refused. Then your DS wants it her way and she has to apologise. I think your DS is rude but maybe you are inflexible and hard to reason with.

mynewpassion Fri 28-Dec-12 01:33:55

My sympathies are with your DH. Not being able to spend Christmas with his parents at their home as he had wished for 4 years.

FestiveElement Fri 28-Dec-12 01:38:47

Did your husband get to spend the day with his parents in the end seeing as your family changed the plans?

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 01:45:35

his parents don't normally have Christmas at theirs, only occasionally. usually they either go away or go to other relatives or come to us. so I haven't ignored him for 4 years.This year they offered to do it at theirs but I didn't just stamp my foot we had a chat over dinner went over options and decided to discuss with all the family and eventually agreed to have it at mine because of elderly relatives and because everyone else wanted us to!, me and dh have a good relationship and discuss things like this. I have a great relationship with his parents too.

gatheringlilac Fri 28-Dec-12 01:45:36

You have quite a big lead up time to things, don't you?

Being told that people may not come two weeks ahead is good going in our family, for example. But clearly, if you organise on a 4-months-ahead schedule, that two weeks notice of cancellation is going to look rude and flakey by comparison.

I have a friend a bit like you. She would book my husband and my son for her son's birthday absolutely months in advance. She wanted my dh to act in the performances she arranged for her ds' birthday parties, and she felt she had to invite ds along too, since he was the same age as her son and technically they were friends.

Unfortunately, one of son's best friends' birthday fell around about the same time. Best friend of ds' mother was less organised. About a fortnight before the event, she would invite ds to his best friend's birthday - inevitably on the same day as Organised Woman's Son's birthday party.

Ds missed his best friend's party for four years because none of us had the nerve to cancel on Organised Woman. And of course, since she booked dh and ds several months in advance, we didn't feel able to say: "Well, here's the thing: although it hasn't been arranged yet, we think there may be something else ds (and dh actually) would rather go to on that date."

Four months ahead of Christmas is still summer, really. I think you may have to accept that some people are less good at organising than you.

Terrible shame about the food but can't you freeze whatever wasn't eaten on Christmas Eve?

By the way, there is the outside chance that your sister is cross with you because your Christmas Eve do may have looked like a strange "spoiler" of her Christmas.

Still, on the bright side, aren't your rellies lucky that you all want to look after them and see them at Christmas?

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 01:47:06

festive, yes they came here, as did a couple of friends. it was lovely and we had a nice day.

gatheringlilac Fri 28-Dec-12 01:49:09

By the way, I really mean that about how lucky they are that you (and your sister) want to do this.

I'd rather clean out the rabbit hutch, frankly. grin The thought of organising food and entertainment for an extended family makes me feel wobbly. So you have my full respect.

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 01:58:40

gathering I see your point but it wasn't 4 months it was about 2 months ago when everyone started talking about Christmas and where we were going. my nan had it at hers since the beginning of time and since she died everyone feels a bit lost. I got in touch with everyone including sister a month before Christmas to double check they still wanted to come because that's how much notice I needed to give for the meat order. Christmas eve I did a buffet and drinks, I don't see how that could upset her,the grandparents wanted to give my dc presents. she was invited and it seemed easier solution to keep everyone happy.

ZenNudist Fri 28-Dec-12 01:59:51

I'm getting the feeling that you are good at getting people to compromise to your solution, that's good for you, not so great for others.

I don't think you can commandeer every Christmas on your own turf citing 'elderly relatives'. Presumably some of these people have a chance of lasting a few more Christmases?

About your dsis I would just try and gloss over it. Not act all aggrieved. Can you say 'ah well alls well that ends well' blah comment. Maybe be the bigger person and make contact. You don't have to apologise and don't expect her to either. Just say you don't want to fight over it. It's easier to do this now rather than let it fester.

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 02:00:13

totally agree. think I'll book a holidaynext year!

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 02:18:52

zen,while I don't quite agree I do see your point, however I'm struggling with beginning the bigger person anymore than I have already. I feel I have been messed around and am out of pocket but I haven't complained about this to anyoneapart from you lot as I didn't want to cause am argument. I invited her to my house on Christmas eve she said she would come but didn't show up. and hasn't contacted me since. yes I could call her again and tell her again not to worry about it and I probably will for am easy life but I find it annoying. I am thinking perhaps another relative has had a go at her on my behalf and she's hiding but don't know if that's true.

ll31 Fri 28-Dec-12 07:34:39

Have suspicion you're person who wears people down to your point of view and then says 'well we all agreed'... think yabu in clearly wanting to decide everyones arrangements....

tjah04 Fri 28-Dec-12 08:11:30

It may be the case that your organisation of Christmas has irritated your sister but that does not excuse the fact that she has taken an irritation and turned it into an argument by not turning up.

In my family I am the one that has to organise everybody. It irritates everyone and irritates me that they call on me to organise events when it suits them and then moan when I am being "bossy". It is just me. My sister is annoyingly laid back and never has anything organised. We laugh at each other but if she ever made a statement like that, I would have a hard time being the "bigger" person.

It's a big statement to make. Especially since you will always remember a row that takes place at Christmas.

So you can choose to forgive and call her, say you do not understand what has happened and can you talk about it.

Or you can sit back and wait for her call. But if you do not know what has iggled her you might be waiting a long time.

It depends on how much you can live without your sis.

StanleyLambchop Fri 28-Dec-12 08:20:18

Why did she not invite you to her Christmas Day meal? It sounds like she invited everyone else on the sly. Is there some reason for that? Has she done something similar before, or is it just that she felt you were 'taking over' and did not know how else to do it? I would say YANBU to be annoyed with her, but do not understand the back story which may make a difference in this case.

mumzy Fri 28-Dec-12 20:52:27

You do sound very controlling so YABU.

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 21:53:02

I really am not controlling, wearing people down or wanting to take over Christmas! I only agreed to have it at mine because no one else wanted to, I am really not the motherly mega organised type as I seem to be coming across here! anyway thought id give am update, called sister. she apologised immediately- I didn't make her! said she was quite drunk when she invited a few members of family, who then told others who said thought we going other sisters, lots confusion and she had by then sobered up and forgotten inviting anyone, this is very typical of her. she said I was invited but couldn't really bring my in laws along, she then felt guilty about the whole thing and hid. another relative has taken it upon themselves as I suspected to have a go at her on my behalf, making her think I was more upset than I was about the whole thing. as I said in my op it worked out fine and everyone was happy, including me, seems her drinking has escalated again, well glad its all sorted I found this post more stressful than the actual issue!

DecAndAnt Fri 28-Dec-12 22:29:11

Dh would rather go to his family and they would too but I refused

Doesn't sound like much give and take here, did you forget this is what you wrote?

calmlychaotic Fri 28-Dec-12 22:49:16

I am well aware what I wrote. the issue I posted about was between me and my sister I didn't think there was a need to detail the exact conversation between me my dh and his family so I just put that.

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