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to think MIL is a bit of a cow

(16 Posts)
FunnysFuckingFreezing Thu 27-Dec-12 22:29:30

DH hardly ever speaks to his mother. They rarely phone one another and have a difficult history.

DH spoke to his mum tonight and said that DS2 who is 2 was being a bit of a PITA as usual, like most 2yo'ds. She said 'well maybe your CM lets him get away with too much'. FFS she has never visited us and met his CM so has no clue whether this is the case. DH said 'well no, our CM is lovely' and swiftly drew that particular discussion to a close.

I mean, why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just say oh yes, 2yo'ds can be a handful etc. Why would you think to blame a CM you had never met?

I know she has issues with WOHM's and has frequently said that his sister should have stayed at home with her two rather than work.

So, I think she was being a cow. AIBU?

Icelollycraving Thu 27-Dec-12 22:35:45

I think it was just making conversation. She didn't accuse either of you did she?
Yabu.

FunnysFuckingFreezing Thu 27-Dec-12 22:37:47

OK, maybe I am just being over sensitive. We do have some history! My MIL rarely just makes conversation though, she usually has a point to make grin

FredFredGeorge Thu 27-Dec-12 22:40:37

YABU, it sounds like a perfectly reasonable comment. Some people make comments on the problems their facing expecting a sympathy in response, some expect help in solving. And some people respond in the opposite way that's intended. Your MIL responded with suggestions on help solving, but your DH wanted sympathy, neither were BU, they just had differing views on the conversation.

It's not too surprising they don't get on if that's normal for their conversations.

BiteyWeeFucker Thu 27-Dec-12 22:42:11

Isn't it actually a bit of a compliment? She didn't blame you at least.

MerylStrop Thu 27-Dec-12 22:44:37

Are you deliberately trying to find fault?

You weren't even in the conversation.

Saccrofolium Thu 27-Dec-12 22:49:28

YABU. Why don't you see her more often? You will be a MIL one day. How would you like to be treated?

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire Thu 27-Dec-12 22:51:33

On the evidence in your OP, YABU.

However, some drip feeding may reveal otherwise grin

FunnysFuckingFreezing Thu 27-Dec-12 23:05:31

really won't go into the why's and wherefore's of DH's relationship with his mother. So on the basis of that post IABU and that's fine.

Truth is of course I know really that IANBU grin

Saccro I truly hope that when I am a MIL to my two boys wives I will make a better hash of it than my MIL. I will keep in contact on a regular basis even if they are 800 miles away, I will always be there for them and would never throw them out of the house on a regular basis after having three too many glasses of red. I won't resent them or their wives families for not living 2 doors down and running off to university and most of all I would die if I thought that my adult son was scared to phone me as he wouldn't know what mood I was in or what nonsense I was going to come out with.

My most sincere hope is that I have a good relationship with my boys when they are adults and will do what I can to make this happen. I would be very upset indeed if I had the same relationship with my boys as DH's mother does with him. I get on very well with my own mum and really appreciate that it is a two way thing.

Sorry that was a bit long blush I suspect I have some issues that I need to work through!

FunnysFuckingFreezing Thu 27-Dec-12 23:08:23

truth is I can't bear to see DH hurt, and every bit of contact, whether it be a non gift for the boys birthday, or a pointed comment on the phone chips away a bit more at their relationship. He is desperate for her to be a mother to him, and she won't

MotherOfTheBritishEmpire Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:53

Your poor DH.

Tell him he is grown up now, and has you to love him, he can never reclaim his childhood of lost mothering, so no point in spoiling his adulthood. Tell him he doesn't need the affirmation of his mother to prove how great he is.

FunnysFuckingFreezing Fri 28-Dec-12 15:44:47

thanks Mother very kind words. He's quite a sensitive sort and although when we speak about it he says oh no I'm fine etc I can see the hurt in his eyes. Best thing to do is to limit contact which is luckily very easy since we live a long way away from them.

RubyrooUK Fri 28-Dec-12 15:58:18

What Mother says is true. It's sad for your DH that he doesn't have the relationship he wants with his mother but now he does have a loving family as back-up at all times, which is you and your DS. Which is what is important now for him as an adult.

As for the original comment, well, it might have sounded a bit like your DH was having a moan about your 2 year old so she probably thought an answer was needed. My mum and MIL and in fact my DH are terrible ones for "fixing" an issue. Sometimes when I have a lighthearted moan, they start suggesting solutions when I never needed any, I was just having a parental winge! I once mentioned to my mum that DS' nursery had said he was a bit quiet and she began sending me endless emails about speech therapy for shy children.....grin

MerylStrop Fri 28-Dec-12 16:05:08

What Mother says is very true

But analysing their conversations probably doesn't help.

I would tend to take her comment at face value, or just a casual remark. Not read too much into it. If she has such little contact with you she knows nothing.

She might well also have been having a dig. But your saying so doesn't help your DH.

FunnysFuckingFreezing Fri 28-Dec-12 16:05:22

oh god Ruby I know what you mean about having to find a solution. Actually DH can be like this and I do sometimes say I'm just having a moan, I don't need you to provide a solution grin

FunnysFuckingFreezing Fri 28-Dec-12 16:06:55

don't worry Meryl I didn't say she was having a go to him, DH said it later after the conversation. I would never try to add any fuel to the fire. It's difficult enough as it is!

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