AIBU - Christmas/Birthday presents related

[roastednut]

My first post on AIBU so here goes.. I really would appreciate others perspective on this, it's not big, life changing stuff whatsoever - but it's annoying me a bit!

My DH has 1 brother and 2 sisters so I have a lot of BILs and SILs, all of which have 2 kids per couple. We don't have any kids yet and everyone pretty much knows we've been trying for 3 years. (and I've had a horrible year of failed IVF and then a successful IVF followed by a miscarriage. And me and DH are both 40 so time not on our side).

Me and DH are complete opposites when it comes to money, my DH is notoriously a bit crap with it, I'm the opposite (not tight but try to economise on certain things). I don't think either of us has 100% the right approach to money but there is probably a happy medium between both our approaches but we've yet to settle there. We both earn a decent amount salary-wise, but we also have a fair amount of debt so a lot of outgoings each month. We don't spend anything on ourselves really.

Every Christmas and birthdays we try to put a fair bit of thought (and money) into the presents for the families involved, and every year from one we get a gift set thing (you know the 3 for 2 stuff) I most likely won't use. I know Christmas and birthdays are not about presents or how much people spend, but my DH insists of spending a certain amount each time as he is generous to a fault. I really don't care about the amount that gets spent on us, I just get upset by the lack of thought or care that go into ours. I appreciate that we are adults and Christmas is about the children, but surely given we don't have any and we spend a lot more, would it really kill them (I'm really talking about one SIL in particular) to ask us what we'd like or just give it a moment's thought. I could've really done with some hand cream this year, daft as it sounds, but the items in the set are not practical things I will use. I need to add that the people I am talking about have plenty of money and spend a lot on their kids and on themselves.

Birthdays is another thing, it's just presents for kids not adults. So as immature as it sounds, we miss out there too! When I actually think about it, I realise that I don't want or need a present. I can see I'm being self-pitying, and I hate that. Of course in an ideal world we'd have kids too and this really wouldn't be an issue.

Please don't be too harsh on me.... I know AIBU to get wound up but I'd love some advice on how to see this differently! How do I get over this as it's causing heated discussions with my DH as whilst he can just about see my point, he just doesn't care and is adamant that we will carry on as we always have done and there is no issue.

Sorry this is so long but don't want to drip feed extra info later. Hope someone is still reading!

[Netguru]

This has bothered me in the past.

This year it was my eldest son who bothered my husband. It is his first year in a good job (salary 22k) and he lives with us paying £300 rent. He therefore has a lot of free money.

He did his entire Christmas shop on £70. The sort of money he would have spent as a student. My present was a purse, bought off amazon on a link I sent him. We had bought him a new Ipad (he didn't know). Far more than we would have spent but we knew he wanted one.

In the run up to Christmas, my husband got quite wound up that DS hadn't got the idea of being generous. Not just the money but the effort - trying to find something the person really wants.

I reflected on this but came to the conclusion that if one truly buys presents then it matters not what the other spends. It is not 'gift exchange'. If you are naturally more generous or thoughtful then that is a decision you make and the fact that others set less store in present selection does not mean that they are slighting you. It may be that they have less money, it may be that they were brought up differently and Christmas is about children and food. It may be that they simply don't like you grins

Relax. Accept that this is how they are and ask why you buy presents at all.

[SantasHoHoHo]

Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie registers her own wedding in order to get a new pair of shoes that got stolen at a friends house through no fault of her own. Kind of the same theme, she has bought her friend gifts for engagements,weddings and babies yet gets nothing herself because she's single.

[tzella]

I used to get crappy gift sets (with useless greasy hand cream) from my SiL. I would ask my DB what she wanted/needed and liaise with him to make sure we didn't double-up. That sounds a bit clinical but, as the OP is points out, this conversation two minutes but required THOUGHT.

It didn't bother me after two, maybe three, years as she had turned into a mad cow anyway so I didn't care about getting her anything and she and DB broke up so problem solved

In essence, OP; YANBU but I think you've got to care less about it all. Get your SiLs less thoughtful stuff - they are obviously not bothered about thoughtful presents so why should you be? But, as I did, still get the kids something nice

[roastednut]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply

[FestiveElement]

Try not to argue with your DH over this, he can't control what his brothers and sisters do.

I don't know about other people, but I became far less bothered about the presents I received when I had children, I'd much rather people put their limited time and effort into something they would like than something I would like. Your BIls and SILs sound like they have a lot of children to buy for, so understandably, that is where they are focussing most of their effort.

It seems to be very telling when you say you 'miss out'. Maybe it's that you are feeling sad about that rather than the presents, but it's easier to be sad about presents than it is to be sad about your fertility problems.

It does sound like you have had a horrible year, and I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

[Purple2012]

I dont think yabu. I hate the lack of thought that goes into presents by some people. I have a good friend that has money issues. For her birthday i always buy her something nice and thoughtful that i know she will love, and i make her a cake. I put a lot of effort into both. For my birthday she got my a box of chocolates, unwrapped. It wasnt the amount she spent that upset me, as i know she doesnt have a lot of money, but the lack of thought. She could have found something little that she knows i like that would have cost the same or less.

For christmas this year i made a lot of gifts, lots of homemade sweets etc which took a lot of time to do. I got the same type of chocolates i got for my birthday. I am not even a big chocolate lover. I do like chocolate but it is not something i would eat often and would chose savoury over sweet everytime.

It doesnt stop me making the effort though. I just am one of those people that puts a lot of thought into gifts and it is never about the cost.

[HollyBerryBush]

I have no idea who invented gift sets - they are the work of the devil.

Mine go straight to the charity shop. >ungrateful<

I think toiletries come under category of 'personal items, like makeup and underwear.

[roastednut]

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone in some of my thinking but also I do need to stop letting it wind me up so much.

Its not like I can just buy crappier presents in future as DH just wouldn't let me!