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An old flame is getting married-I'm gutted

(14 Posts)
1991all Mon 24-Dec-12 07:37:12

Of course aibu, tell me to get a grip
I can't stop thinking about it
It was 20 years ago

I always thought we would be the happy ever after

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Mon 24-Dec-12 07:40:36

What's your life like now?

Is it good? Is there a way to say well, if that hadn't happened, then X, Y, Z wonderful things wouldn't have happened?

Do you have children? Maybe say thank goodness, cos they wouldn't be here.

etc etc.

All that really annoying positive thinking that makes other people want to choke you by pouring twenty pounds of sugar down your throat grin

But more seriously, I think it's normal to look back at times like this. But it didn't work out. Your lives moved on.

Is it regret? Or reminiscing? Or is there something in your life now that isn't as it should be? Sometimes when people look back as you describe, it's because the here and now is a bit shit.

GailTheGoldfish Mon 24-Dec-12 07:40:49

It's ok to feel a bit like that, so long as you keep it in perspective. There must have been a reason it didn't work out? Grieve a bit, remember why it ended then have a wine and enjoy Christmas.

MadamFolly Mon 24-Dec-12 07:41:30

I still get a bit cross when my ex's get married.

For me its really childish, just a bit miffed they've got over me I think grin

Yama Mon 24-Dec-12 07:44:17

It's because 20 years ago the future was full of wonderful possibilities. The world was your oyster. He is a reminder of the great unknown.

Bearandcub Mon 24-Dec-12 07:45:14

Excellent advice already. It's shit isn't it? What might have been and if only are bastards...

Muminwestlondon Mon 24-Dec-12 08:15:59

I dumped a BF after a seven year relationship because he was an abusive fuckwit and still was pissed off when he got married about 10 years later even though I was happily married with two kids by then. I think I am a bit annoyed he got over me.

It must be a shock for you, but try to involve yourself in Xmas and not think about it - you will get used to the idea in a few days.

Like the other posters have said, it is fine to grieve for what might have been but don't let it take over your life today. It is difficult nowadays with social media around but try and avoid the temptation to "stalk". I block certain people's pages (ex boyfriends or crushes or their friends) as I don't want to know about their lives.

1991all Mon 24-Dec-12 08:40:12

I was so in love with him

Never felt anything like it since

And I still dream about him, and then it feels really real

I actually played out a whole scenario in my head the other night, where we got together, then I found out he is getting married

I am married, not very happily, I guess that's the problem

Have one DS

Muminwestlondon Mon 24-Dec-12 08:50:07

I think the fact is that you don't necessarily marry the love of your life. The person I was most in love with in my life dumped me. I don't know if he is now married or not and don't want to know. Oddly enough I dreamt about him last night. He unexpectedly came to see me (he lives overseas and just turned up on the doorstep) when DD1 was about 2. I don't know why - perhaps he was curious to see what had happened to me, he seemed quite shocked that I was married with a child, perhaps he thought I was still waiting for him to come back.

He had lost a lot of the personality and sparkle that had attracted me - and while extremely successful professionally - he was well, quite boring...

I am glad I didn't marry him because I wouldn't have DH who is a much nicer person and has been a brilliant husband and my two lovely daughters. DH has stood by me through horrific childbirths, illness, worries about money, supported my career and always been there for me.

I think if you have problems in your marriage you might want to seek counselling or marriage guidance, projecting it all on to a fantasy of someone you used to be in a relationship with is not going to solve anything.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 08:52:16

I am married, not very happily, I guess that's the problem

That probably is, at least part of, the problem. It's easy to look back on the past with rose tinted specs, to remember the good times and forget any not so good times, especially if it was a generally good time in your life. However you need to remember that there was a reason you broke up, that he most likely had habits that drove you mad when you were together.

Was he your first love by any chance? They seem to be the hardest to let go.

Wrt your being unhappy in your marriage, maybe you could post on the relationships board and work through your feelings about this and your marriage. Perhaps decide if you want to try and improve your marriage, although you could only do this if your DH also tries iyswim, or if it's too late where you want to go from there.

ZenNudist Mon 24-Dec-12 08:56:45

You need to remind yourself that the fantasy of the relationship that never happened will always seem better than a real life one with all the hassles and hardships of day to day life. If this man were your husband it doesn't mean life would be better. Get some perspective. Don't go around feeling sad about stuff you can't do anything about smile

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 24-Dec-12 09:23:03

I'm so sorry OP, you sound really down, I think maybe this has just brought those feelings to the fore.

I think maybe harbouring these fantasies about someone unattainable was a sort of escapism from your unhappy marriage.

A lot of us do similar things, it's no different to thinking "one day I'll win the lottery then life will be great", or "We'll move to a different town and things will be better", or any of the fantasies we all secretly have that one day something will change and life will be wonderful.

It's just your mind's way of coping with the drudge, if we're unhappy we have to think that it won't be forever.

This ex isn't the one, he never was. Perhaps this will be a good thing in the long run if it makes you re-asses your relationship with your DH. Whatever action you take is of course up to you but perhaps this will prompt the change you both need.

This feeling will pass, just try and use it to start making a positive change.

(It could be worse, you could have just found out that the lovely college boyfriend you left for your oh-so-wonderful new man 12 years ago got married last week. And you could find this out mere days after the anniversary of separating from said oh-so-wonderful man because he cheated on you repeatedly. Now there's a festive slap in the face with a wet kipper!)

1991all Mon 24-Dec-12 10:04:35

I love Christmas, but I'm dreading this one
Dh is going to whinge and moan his way through it
DS is bouncing off the walls with excitement and dh isn't going to be able to deal with it

I'm also hungover and have miserable pmt

1991all Sun 30-Dec-12 10:29:20

Well that's it, he's married now

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