aibu re contact with my dad

[FeelingFestiveCheerMum]

Hi all. Long story short, a few years ago I cut all contact with my birth family (childhood issues) as i finally realised how toxic they were. over the past year my health has deteriorated and it started me thinking about my dad. My issues with him were mainly about things he DIDN'T do rather than things he did and so i started to consider reintroducing contact.
a few months ago i met him for coffee, somehting which we've done three or four times since. we met for coffee on tuesday and i took him a small christmas present. i know he has bought a small gift for my dd and money in a card for dh and i and was expecting him to bring them too. he said he hadn't got round to finishing stuff yet and would text me so we could have another coffee and he could give me the stuff.
i was assuming he meant wed thur or fri as he knows my dh isn;t too keen on him because of what happened in the past and dh would be at home after friday. also, tomorrow is dh's birthday (which dad knows about cos he gave me a bday card for him on tuesday). dad hasn't been to my house since we started contact again.

soooooo just had a text from him saying "meet tomorrow at 11?" AIBU to have sent the reply saying no, assumed he would have contacted me before this as tomorrow is dh bday and we have plans, will have to wait until after xmas now

if i'm honest i know i'm not BU, i'm just so disappointed that he couldn't be arsed to sort out putting a box of lego inside a storage box for dd and cash in a card for me and dh (i know this is what he was doing - didn't even have to wrap anything because he told me)

he's never going to change and put me first is he? or even third or fourth.....

(and in the interests of not drip feeding, he doesn;t have any real time committments, only his hobbies, his other children are older than me, i'm the youngest and dd is his youngest gc, so not like he's actually been properly busy, just keeping himself occupied iyswim)

[FeelingFestiveCheerMum]

and this isn't about the presents, it's about where i come in his priorities and him actually thinking about me

[TheLightPassenger]

I appreciate there must be a massive back story to this which I am unaware of, but on the face of it, your dad doesn't seem to have behaved particularly badly in this instance, he has suggested meeting before Xmas, presumably to exchange card/present, OK Xmas Eve doesn't leave much time but he is making some effort. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not meet him tomorrow, if you have made other, incompatible plans

[whois]

Yeah I think your backstory is making you U in this case.

[TidyDancer]

Yeah, I'm with the previous posters, on the surface YABU, but I suspect the backstory would mean YANBU.

[FeelingFestiveCheerMum]

Thanks guys, my dad tends to ignore the past issues so it is good to get an outside perspective. He is just being thoughtless rather than deliberately unkind.

[alexflower]

Hi OP I am in what sounds like a similar situation to you.

My Dad left when I was very young and I managed to find him after so many years he seems very enthusiastic to make plans/meetup (we stay a long train or plane distance apart) but when it comes to planning he will leave me till the very last minute to make an arrangement. I know how you feel and think while you are def not being unreasonable you also cant change people no matter how much you want them to just act like a normal human being. I also feel guilty not going to meet my Dad when I am in his area visiting friends but if I waited for him to get in touch my whole plans for my trip would be revolving around him which is not fair to me or my friends who do get in touch with me. In your case I would suggest do what is best for you and your family and your Dad can fit in when you have time/he can be bothered.

[JeezyOrangePips]

It does sound like YAB (a little) U. As you are a grown woman, it's past the time for your dad to put you first, (other than in a time of problems/crisis) - that should have been when you were small (although I appreciate that may not have been the case at the time). As you are both adults, I would expect any arrangements to be mutually convenient.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Taken at face value YABU however I would imagine, as others have said, this is more about previous issues than taking an hour out of your day to have coffee.

[IceNoSlice]

Is he effectively trying to see you at Christmas? Deliberately trying to make the arrangement to meet on one of the 3 most Christmassy days?

[floweryblue]

I agree with Ice, your dad wants to see you at Christmas, maybe wants to see all of you if possible.

DP had major issues with his father, but once his dad extended the hand of friendship, we embraced it, knowing that backing off was an option. A few years down the line, they are in regular contact and everyone is happier. Both of them know they aren't 'priority' in each others lives, they live in different continents, but they both try to help each other out.