I know I am :-(

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

I posted a month or 2 ago about my DH's brother and his impending fatherhood. We only found out about 6 weeks ago that his partner was pregnant and the baby was due on Christmas Eve.

My DH has not spoken to his parents for quite a long time, we send them cards and photos of our DS, flowers for birthday's etc, email them with updates of how DS is doing, (although we get no reply in return, and even DS only gets a card for his birthday, not even a phonecall), but they are odd people and a few years ago were really quite unkind to both my DH and me, and that has led to this partial estrangement. My DH will not call them to speak to them as in the past when he has called them, it has only resulted in either his mum or dad shouting, or his mum crying down the phone at him and telling him he is a terrible son and should apologise for existing whatever thing happens to pop into their heads.

Anyway, a bit of backstory.... when I was pregnant with our DS, it was after a number of miscarriages, one which was a late mc. So as you can imagine, our DS was even more precious to us. When we found out at the 20wk scan that he was a boy, we called both sets of parents to share the news. I know it is a cliche, but we really didn't mind what gender our baby was, as long as he got here ok! My MIL actually said in reply that it was a disappointment that the baby was a boy, as she had always wanted a daughter and was hoping for a granddaughter.

She wasn't very good at hiding her disappointment from us whenever she saw our DS, and constantly talked about all the pink frilly things she had bought over the years since my DH and I had got married in preparation for her granddaughter's arrival.

Anyway, as I said, she hasn't seen my DH, or us, for a couple of years now, this is mainly because my DH confronted her about her behaviour and she refused to listen/ make any attempt to change (there is a long history of her treating her children differently, and tantrumish behaviour etc), and started namecalling and throwing insults at my DH and I. My FIL basically facilitates her behaviour and agrees with everything she says, he will add the odd comment just to back up my MIL but generally just nods and makes agreeing noises. (I'm sure they both fit into the toxic category - they regularly used to make comments like "Oh but we used to take you to football practise on a Sunday when you were a kid" "We kept you when you were at University" etc, but that's an aside).

So it was his brother who contacted him to let him know he was about to become an uncle.

We found out yesterday via FarceBook that the baby was born on 21st, and yes, it's a girl. I am really glad that the baby has arrived safely and that she and the new mummy are home and doing well, but I did feel more than a little uncharitable when I found out she was a girl.
I just know that will make my DS even more "surplus to requirements", and I feel dreadfully sad for him.

I know that my DS isn't aware at all of the things that went on, as he was far too young at the time to notice the things that were being said, which is why my DH wanted to address it with his mum before DS was old enough to understand. In fact I guess my DS wouldn't even know them if he walked passed them in the street.
I just feel sad and actually angry as well that my DS has been treated that way by his own grandmother, and presumably now she will be even less inclined to want to try to rebuild a relationship with him

I know IABU, as there is nothing I can do about it, and it's not really going to affect my DS, but I just feel so incredibly sad and upset for my DS, and actually for my DH as well

Oh and I also know that my MIL and FIL's behaviour has nothing to do with my BIL, his partner or the new baby, I have no issue with them - I just hope that my MIL treats her "favourite" (yes, she actually said that to my DH!) son's child and partner better than she treated ours

[Pancakeflipper]

Your DS was sidelined before the new baby was conceived from the sounds of this.
They are not going to turn around and alter their behaviour to you, your DH, your son etc. So keep away from them. They don't add anything positive to any of you. Perhaps DH can contact them every 6 months if he feels duty bound?
So put them to one side. Talk to your DH about this and try to get the negativeness out of your family unit.
Do recognise and celebrate your DS's new baby cousin. Keep a bond there

I know how it feels as my mother cannot say a decent word to me ( she is currently sulking as I have bought a new car - well it's new to me, 10 yrs old to you, whereas they do get a brand new car every 2 yrs). It's like she is jealous or scared I will appear to be "better than her" .

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

Pancake, yes, my DS was sidelined before my BIL was even with his partner!
I think i just lived in hope that she would realise one day that she was missing out on this awesome little boy with his wicked sense of humour and so much love to give, and want to be a part of it.
My DH doesn't want her around "at any cost", and having her around the way she was is too great a cost to my DS, but I know he too always hoped she would change.

It's not going to happen though, is it? I'm just glad that my DS wasn't old enough to know what went on, and that my DH dealt with it when he did, as I guess my DS would have been sidelined even further now had he still been part of their lives

I just don't understand my MIL at all.

[golemmings]

Actually I don't think you are being unreasonable but I'm not really sure what you can do about it.

I do know that my dad's mother was toxic and he cut off relations with her shortly after I was born because he didn't want me messed up in her games. Dad's brother remained close to their mother and dad had at least one manipulative letter from his niece that was clearly influenced by her grandmother. I have never met my uncle and aunt, paternal grandmother or my cousins but I don't feel I missed out at all.

Cutting off all ties might be one option. Your mil might think she has a right to a relationship with your son, but your son definitely has a right to be protected from toxic relationships.
I have no idea I'd you could maintain a link with your bil and niece without your mil though. I know dad couldn't. Good luck!

[Xales]

Instead of felling your son has been sidelined breath a huge sigh of relief that these nasty people are not interested in him.

Then feel very sorry for the poor new mother who now has interfering people who want to dump hundreds of old pink frilly shit on her which they will expect to see poor baby stuffed into, expect lots of gratitude and also interfere with all her baby tearing decisions.

For example stop breast feeding so I can have the baby over night at 3 weeks. It didn't hurt in my day... I have raised babies I know what I am doing. Food doesn't hurt at 12 weeks.

You have had a lucky escape.

[Pancakeflipper]

No ( holds your hand), it won't change.
I think it's like a competitive parenting thing - your MIL has to be the best and you are inferior with your inferior child.

They are missing out on an awesome kid. You aren't.
Surround him with people who do see him as the kid he is.
I think once you have found a way to accept their behaviour and realise you cannot alter them, you will box it away and get on with your life. You will obviously think about them and want to growl but it will hurt less and less.

It is their loss. And it hurts at Christmax just that little bit more. But your son is loved by others so he won't miss out on love.

[Xales]

Flaming phone spell checker!

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

I don't know what she says about us and what has happened to BIL.
I do know that she told lies about it all to aunts and uncles and my DH's nan, because I had a number of separate phone calls from them to tell me what she was saying (they know what she is like only too well!!!) and we have a good relationship with them (except my MIL's sister).

I am glad to hear that you didn't feel that you missed out lemmings, I'd hate to think that my DS might grow up and feel that the choices we made meant he missed out. We both just feel that we need to protect our DS, as my DH knows what it is like to grow up feeling second best and that you feel constantly indebted to your parents and reminded of every little thing they did for you.

I'm not sure what I can do about it either, but I am glad you don't think IABU. I did think I might be, because as I said, it's not the baby's fault that my MIL is like this.

[ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow]

Xales, hadn't thought about that. Poor woman . She did say those exact kind of things to me, so you have probably hit the nail on the head there.

Thanks pancake, my DS isn't missing out, he has loads of people who love him. It does hurt me that they are like this, and I know it really hurts my DH, I think it has all just been ripped out into the open again with the new baby arriving, and all the feelings that she expressed towards my DS are brought to the surface again.

[SantasENormaSnob]

Put your ds first and keep him well away from this set of bastards.

[Softlysoftly]

Xales spot on

[Thumbwitch]

I think you really do have to accept that she's not going to change and that she can be firmly dumped in the toxic waste category (along with FIL - doing nothing to make things better is as bad as doing the shit stuff in the first place)

It might feel sad for your DS that he doesn't have a relationship with them; but he's better off this way than knowing them and finding out what it's like to be treated as second class.