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Massive Mil Birthday row.

(60 Posts)
sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:23:07

Dp has organised a meal for mil's birthday on Monday. I wasn't invited and neither are his 3 pre-schoolers as we will 'add £50 to the bill and it will be a faff to get out of the house'

Other reasons he has given are: he wanted to just spend some time with just his dm, dbro and dsis. And he just wants it to be a get in and out type meal (rather than a lengthy all day affair, implying it will be, if we go.)

However his dsis is bringing her pre-schooler as she has no-one to look after him (unlike my dp who has muggins here to look after his!)

Today I find out that his dm invited her BF along, but now she can't go,so dp has rung up dbro and said 'you might as well bring your girlfriend as the table is booked for 5 people'

Anyone need a Cinderella for their panto- i'm right here!

I'm beyond fuming. We have been arguing/not speaking for over 24 hrs. AIBU?

DontmindifIdo Sat 22-Dec-12 16:43:35

yep, now he's not going, make plans and go out before he will have to leave for the meal in case he changes his mind at the last minute (at least 1 hour before he'd have to leave). He then can go, take the younger DCs without you (ha ha ha, if he thought it would be a 'faff' to get you all out of the house with you there, bet your life he's not going to cope well tryng to do that without you!), or sort a last minute childminder on Christmas eve (oh good luck, that's not going to be tricky or pricy) or not go like he said.

Honestly, once his DSis was taking her DCs, it should have been clear this was going to be a child centred event again so changed the booking to avoid upset.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Sat 22-Dec-12 16:46:39

YANBU it's a family do and you actually get along with your MIL, no reason not to be invited. If it were the works Christmas do then he'd be being reasonable.
Definitely take the else to the pictures and leave him with the rest. I hope his Mum sets him straight when he turns up without you.

badguider Sat 22-Dec-12 16:47:00

I totally understand him wanting an adult meal with MIL and his siblings, but as soon as the other children were coming along he should have changed the plan and invited you all.

frankinsensible Sat 22-Dec-12 16:55:55

Don't understand why he wouldn't include you as well - you get on well with the MIL and you are all part of the same family aren't you? YANBU - very hurtful.

MrsMelons Sat 22-Dec-12 17:04:00

BTW I understand about the DCs not being there but not you!

hugoagogo Sat 22-Dec-12 17:07:24

hmm, dh goes out with his parents without me and dc. It doesn't bother me.

I understand why you are somewhat peeved though; but I don't think it's worth falling out over.

<sits on fence>

MrsFlibble Sat 22-Dec-12 17:16:20

Jeez, translate what he really means Sorry Love, but your just gonna get in the way

Take the kids out and spend that 50 quid.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Sat 22-Dec-12 17:17:53

Yanbu, sounds like mil is centre of attention and you are second best and left to slave at home with the kids whilst he has a slap up meal.

Just aswell he is just a dp rather than a dh as she isn't technically your mil thank your lucky stars.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:20:52

I would be really fuming about this too. It's one thing if it's a friend's birthday or something, but it's a family thing - you ARE family. It doesn't matter if you're married, the fact you have 3 DC together, and even if you didn't have the DC, you presumably live together and must have been together for at least a few years if you have 3 DC? Even if they're triplets you describe them as preschoolers so must be 2/3+?

Wanting to spend quiet time with his family is totally different to a family event such as a birthday meal.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 17:21:33

It just comes across like you and the DC are an inconvenience, that would make me feel really hurt.

AndrewD Sat 22-Dec-12 17:24:19

Just wondering, is the Mother in Law going to be the "centre of attention" for 3 hours and you are the "centre of attention" for the rest of the 8,757 hours of the year and those 3 hours are too much for you to handle. What if you need to ask him to look after the kids whilst you see a friend/relative for a couple of hours? Is he going to throw a fit about it? Guess he probably will now. You've given him an excuse.

(ducks into bunker and prepares to be shelled)

asleb Sat 22-Dec-12 17:28:23

shock that is beyond rude. I would flip if my dh did that - in fact I wouldn't want to be with someone who would think that's acceptable!

sassy34264 Sat 22-Dec-12 17:36:04

Obviously i am more complex than just this one post (i hope) so trying to get across what i am like is not possible completely. But there is no-one in the whole world who knows me, who would call me controlling, wanting to be the centre of attention. I couldn't be further from them two points if i actually tried. grin

even if i went to the meal, i would not be the centre of attention. I would be looking after 28 month old twins and a 14 month old, with no help what so ever from mil and little help from dp (unless i ask)

It's not about control or centre of attention ( i cringe at getting married as all focus would be on me) its about being left out/excluded/not loved/ etc.

We have been together 10 yrs.

Doha Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:17

Tell your (D)P i he doesn't get his finger out and stop acting like a knob you won't make it to 11 years.

Inertia Sat 22-Dec-12 17:45:06

Your DH is being ridiculous , of course you are all family. He just wants to shirk responsibility for an evening.

Your children are still quite little - could you put them to bed early and invite friends round for wine and a takeaway delivery , rather than taking them out by yourself to spend the 50 pounds ?

DecAndAnt Sat 22-Dec-12 17:52:19

So he wouldn't help out with his kids unless you asked? Wow !

Doneinagain Sat 22-Dec-12 18:06:46

Will try to be gentle because you sound lovely OP and like you have a lot on your plate. I don't think it's crazy that he wants a quiet day out with his mum and siblings without worrying about looking after the DC's. it's just one day. He could however have explained it better so as not to make you feel bad. If you feel unloved then he should be working on that!!

frankinsensible Sat 22-Dec-12 18:14:12

The dp doesn't have to worry about looking after the dc's doneinagain because the OP will be doing that. What he's saying is that he doesn't want them there because it will be 'a faff' which is really unfeeling. Not sure how he could have explained it better - op has listed his various reasons and they are all equally hurtful.

captainmummy Sat 22-Dec-12 18:19:22

It's not about DP having a quiet day with his DM and family - but the fact that almost everyone else (sis dc, Bro's GF) is included, when his own dc and partner is not. (exept as an afterthought.)

Sounds like he doesn't really want to be part of your family, OP. Or consider you to be part of his.

BertieBotts Sat 22-Dec-12 18:25:48

Maybe it's differences between different families etc, but I would never arrange a family "do" and not invite long term partners. I find it weird that people would do this.

Yes I would go round to visit my mother or sister in the evening and not expect DP to tag along. A family meal for a birthday or similar - no way.

strawberrypenguin Sat 22-Dec-12 18:26:26

Oh sassy sorry your Christmas is off to a bad start you can tell 'D'P from me that he's being an arse if you like especially after what you've been through with your ex this year. Hope you enjoy the cinema x

cees Sat 22-Dec-12 18:27:19

YANBU, your partner is. How horrible of him to leave his own children and their mother out especially when there will be another child attending.

I'd be very annoyed too, bloody cheek of him.

ToffeeCaramel Sat 22-Dec-12 18:30:13

Just make sure you go out for a meal soon and leave the kids with him.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Sat 22-Dec-12 18:34:54

Wrangling 28 mo twins and a 14 mo in a fancy restaurant in the company of my mil sounds like hell on wheels to me, I would be waving him off with a cheery grin if that were the only issue.


He should have been much nicer about the way he presented it to you, and offered to let you have the same amount of toddler free time and generally been sweet about it.

And much more importantly than that, it shouldn't always just be you who is inconvenienced whenever you take your small dc anywhere. Do you ever say anything sarky like 'feel free to help' (this used to be my personal favourite btw wink) How does he react if so?

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Sat 22-Dec-12 18:37:55

sassy I don't think YAB entirely U. But, his bro's GF wasn't initially invited, by all accounts, just got told she 'might as well come' since someone dropped out, so it's not like it was only you that wasn't going.

Also, four kids, 3 under 3, is that right? They will seriously change the dinner! Maybe he just wanted a calm, adult meal for his Mums birthday, TBH I wouldn't mind if my DP did that, obviously he looks after our kids when I want to do something without them.

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