Just to say up front, it is probably me who is being petty! Long, so as not to drop feed.
Background is that STBEX H left me last Sept for an OW, with whom he'd been having a six month affair, and who he now lives with. We have 3 DSs, DS2 has SN, ASD. Our separation has been civil but not amicable. I am still very hurt and shocked that my 'decent and honourable' ex H could have left us after 22 years together, 16 of which we were married, under such difficult circumstances. I found out about the affair, (with the help of MN) and he'd been spinning me a story about having fallen out of love with me and wanting to separate without there ever being any mention of an OW, despite me asking him several times if he was having an affair.
He has the boys every other long weekend, Thursday to Sunday and alternate Tuesdays for tea. He is keen to stay in contact with his DC and is reliable about this contact, except when he goes away for holidays with his OW, about 6 times in the last 16 months, and even then he does inform me that he will be 'unavailable.' So he's trying to be a good dad, I suppose.
He was never one for keeping in contact with people and it was always my job to send Christmas cards to his old work colleagues and family.
This year my DS3's school made some fund raising Christmas cards, where the child's design is printed on a pack of cards which you can buy. I bought a set of 12 and sent them out with other cards to friends and family, only those who know DS3, which included my ex FIL. I don't contact my in laws much, as I feel they have to be loyal to ex H, so don't want to step on his toes, but I do send birthday and Christmas cards. Ex H doesn't keep in contact with my family at all, but that's his way.
Ex H has sent me a 'very disappointed' email because he's seen his dad's card from me and that it was designed by DS3. He feels I should have let him know these cards were made and given him the opportunity to have bought some himself. And he's probably right. But, TBH, it never even crossed my mind that he'd be that interested as he's never sent a Christmas card to anyone that I know of, off his own back. I suppose he has to send them himself, now, but his current work colleagues don't send cards, he's not kept in contact with any old friends from school, university, work or any of our more recent mutual friends, according to them, so I'm not sure who he'd send them to.
To me, this was one of the many, many little details of my DSs' lives that ex H isn't closely involved in, anymore. Like who comes around for a play date, what badges DS3 has got in Cubs, whose birthday party they are invited to, what school trips they go on, what after school clubs they do. If anything is happening on 'his' weekend or 'his' Thursday night, I let him know about it, eg party invitation or school trip. If it's anything I consider important, like a doctor's visit or school photos being available during their time with me, I let him know. (And buy school photos for him as he doesn't have a cheque account, which he reimburses me for.)
If we had parted under more amicable terms, I would probably share more of these little details with him, but I find it very difficult to talk to him, I'm still very raw about it all and discuss most matters by email, or text if more urgent.
How do I respond to his email? I want to say, 'Tough, them's the breaks, Karma, I'm disappointed that you chose to have an affair and break up our family, but I've got to suck it up, etc etc. It's not like this has affected his relationship with his DC at all, it's just a 'nice' extra, and I don't feel like I have to be 'nice' to him, just civil.
But I probably should have just let him have some of these fucking cards, shouldn't I?
How can I respond to his email without just sounding petty and bitter? And without admitting that I might have been in the wrong, as I don't think I should have to.
AIBU?
WWYD? Petty Christmas Card issue with ex H
EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 21/12/2012 09:41
Oh I think just this once you can be petty and bitter, it is Xmas after all, season of pettiness and bitterness.
Give him both barrels, he deserves it and its not going to impact the bigger picture. Make sure you mention that you assumed that since he always relied on you to do cards in the past, he would be getting OW to do it now. 
.
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I have told him before to ask the schools himself for copies of letters. He's done that eventually with the secondary, but this is DS3's last year in the primary school so I'm not sure he's bothered. Hmm. The primary school is very leafy and suburban and doesn't 'do' problem families very well. It kind of assumes that we are all in nuclear Christain families. This Christmas card thing was sent back in the bookbag for me to order. It included the original design etc, so I don't think they could have done two lots of it. Perhaps I'll go with the, I'll let you know if it happens again, line (as it won't happen again! He's in Y6!)
I'd just delete and ignore the email on the basis this will wind him up the most 
dickhead
How did you know that dickhead is my name for him of choice! 
we all know his name
have to confess I have one of my own hates to be ignored hence my advice. I'm a few years further down the line and just want to say life gets better and better, it really does
I'm too much of a wuss to go in aggressively. But I love this,
but for future information in December Christmas happens
Maybe ignore, ignore, ignore.
And sarah
Newsletters you might like
It wouldn't have crossed my mind either to be honest. Especially since he doesn't 'do' Christnas cards anyway. I think you are sharing information on the important matters (school photos etc) and thats all you have to do really. Don't let his email wind you up
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