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AIBU?

to be surprised that MIL doesn't want us to visit during the hols?!

35 replies

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 17:26

She's just turned down my offer to visit for New Year (so she's not expecting to see DH and our DC at all now). She also said to me that's she's looking forward to it all being over when SIL and BIL have also gone home after Christmas.

She's a widow and house bound (so no social life at all) and she lives in a remote part of the country, so all her children can only come for weekends here and there.

I'm surprised. Not sure what to make of it actually (because there is some history of another time when she didn't want me - specifically me - to visit). But I've always been assured by DH that it wasn't personal.

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CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 17:35

I'm sure she just wants a quiet time at home. My friend's DM is the same way. The older she gets the more exhausting she finds visitors and the more stressful she finds leaving her home for any length of time.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 17:37

That's what i need to hear, Cogito, because my mind is doing cartwheels for the last 10 minutes!

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Pandemoniaa · 20/12/2012 17:37

Take her at her word. It may well be that she'd just like as quiet a time as possible. My, formerly very, very, sociable dm, increasingly avoided Christmas and New Year festivities as she got older. She was quite happy, it wasn't personal but she valued some quiet space and didn't want other people organising their version of a good time for her benefit.

bigTillyMincePie · 20/12/2012 17:41

Catriona, my DM is exactly the same. She does not want to visit us or have us visit over Christmas/New Year. She finds visiting us/having us stay exhausting. She is 82. How old is your MIL?

BelleoftheFall · 20/12/2012 17:41

Painful memories, perhaps. It really can be a time of sadness sometimes. Also, she may find it stressful having the holiday visits grouped together if she's quite introverted or finds extended stays wearing. Perhaps you could offer to come down again after New Year in late Jan/early Feb?

mynewpassion · 20/12/2012 17:47

It might be too much people at Christmas for her. If SIL and BIL are already visiting and if they have kids and then your family go up, it might be exhausting for her.

Maybe she only wants one set of family to visit at time so she can spend quality time with each family.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 18:12

Snap! mil is 82 too!

Her other DC are going to visit her with their families (though not at the same time), and she does have enough space for all of us at once, but she says she is full up.

I am telling myself now that its just that she doesn't like interruptions to her routine. (But that little voice of self-doubt is still niggling me because the reason why she needed to personally exclude me last time just didn't really stand up IYSWIM?) DH swears blind that there was nothing in it, but he's the type to say that just to keep the peace. Everyone in RL who knows the whole story just thought it was shocking.

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COCKadoodledooo · 20/12/2012 18:14

Would you like to visit my mil instead op? She has the hump with me because we're not visiting, and it's All My Fault because I have to be back at work on the 2nd and I'm not prepared to drive 300 miles home on New Year's Day. Selfish cow I am.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 18:21

I'd imagine it's because she finds visitors tiring and likes to have her home to herself for a while afterwards. Depending on how old your DCs are, she might worry about fuss and bother, not least cost of entertaining, extra heating on etc., (not saying for a minute you descend on her, empty handed).

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 18:23

And if your 'little voice' is saying there might be more to it because of back history, would you really relax going to stay, wondering if she was genuinely glad to have you?

Pagwatch · 20/12/2012 18:26

I posted on here a few months about about my mother who is 79 and who loves me and my dc kept raising increasingly spurious reasons or us not to visit and for her not to come here.

We talked about it. She described how getting older has made her increasingly anxious, keen to maintain simple routines even when deep down she knows that she would enjoy the visit/activity on offer.

I really would not take it personally.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 18:26

COCKadoodledooo - thanks, but its not my idea of a wild time! We go because DH wouldn't hear of not going. Neither of us actually asked ourselves whether she wanted it or not.

Money isn't an issue and my DC are old enough to behave themselves. The days when I would have worried about them touching things are long past. Mostly they just sit and read or play their DSi.

Repeating to myself... its ok. Its just because she likes her routine, nothign to do with whether I am good enough or not!

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Bunbaker · 20/12/2012 18:27

I wouldn't take it personally. MIL is 83 and not coming to us for Christmas for the first time in years as she can't manage stairs any more. As she gets older she is getting more crotchety and prefers to do her own thing. She is going to SIL's for Christmas day, but has told me that she isn't really bothered whether she goes or not. I think she is just finding things too much of an effort these days.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 18:31

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown - don't get me wrong.. i am not disappointed to not be going. We were invited to a New Year's eve party and now we can go after all!

I was just surprised to realise that MIL actually doesn't want someone to see the new year in with her.... and then I was wondering whether it was me she didn't want. Whenever we visit now, I always assume that I am there to make up the numbers (and I don't really mind because her son and GC are much more important)

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LineRunner · 20/12/2012 18:40

My dad's in his 80s and he finds visitors staying with him stressful, even his 'favourites' IYSWIM. He needs to do his own thing, at his own pace, including being able to use the bathroom and the kitchen at will, for his needs, and sleeping as it suits him.

DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn · 20/12/2012 18:44

I think she is 82, and just wants a quiet NY. No reflection on you at all.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 18:53

Ok.. small update. I just spoke to DH and told him. He was as surprised as I was. Said there'd previously been discussions about how he would go without me but with DC.

He reckons his mum is just getting confused (even though she's shown no signs of forgetting things until today) and he's going to call her to sort it out. I've asked him explicitly not to strong arm us in there. I really do not want to go now, especially after what MIL just said. She couldn't have been clearer. I asked DH not to make the call, but he's going to make it anyway. "I know, I know", he said, "but she's just getting a bit confused. I'll call her and find out what's going on".

There's no way I can go now....

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TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 18:53

She might be going up to bed earlier in the evening, glad not to be kept up... or out on the lash, having the time of her life, doesn't want you youngsters slowing her down, .

What a godsend MN is for being able to ponder things. If DH will just get worried debating it, (and it sounds like this is an all year round concern), put it on the back burner for now, just have a good Christmas, and enjoy the NYE party.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 18:55

Oops x post. Perhaps MIL has got to the age where she thinks, if she can't do what she likes at 82, when can she? Good luck.

Catriona100 · 20/12/2012 18:56

I think DH has got to the age where he thinks if he can't make everyone do what he likes, then when can he!

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theidsalright · 20/12/2012 18:56

Well my MOTHER Does not want us to visit over Christmas and new year, even when I have a delightful 3.5year old and a10 mth old :( she is only 60.

Hope this makes you feel better!

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 18:58

like mother, like...?

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Pourquoimoi · 21/12/2012 00:40

What happened when he phoned her?

Seems odd that this is the first time he tells you he was meant to be going with dc but not with you, I'd be a bit annoyed about that if I'm honest.

ChristmasSpiritEndorphins · 21/12/2012 01:31

To be honest, if I were alone without dh or kids, I wouldn't be bothered about any holidays. I only do it for them. They do not know this though.

Catriona100 · 21/12/2012 07:55

He didn't call her (just didn't get round to it). Which is typical of him, but in this case, I am glad he didn't do it.

I had something on during the hols that meant I couldn't go away (but now cancelled) . According to DH, families MUST get together during Christmas week so he was going to go to his mum's without me (but taking our DC).

I knew about it and I wasn't happy but then he asked me how would I feel if i didn't see my children during Christmas week in 20 years time?

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