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to have had a massive row with DH for "enabling" DH lazy ways?

(49 Posts)
fatnfrumpy Wed 19-Dec-12 20:44:08

Our DD3 has been home from uni for 4 days.
She is the youngest and has always been spoilt, both of our faults!
She is the laziest and most untidy of our three. The other two now have there own places.
Since she has been home I have been in a bad mood because she has made the house a bombsite and I have constantly been nagging her to tidy up.
She has since sunday;-
left her dirty clothes on the bathroom floor,touching the linen basket!!
Left breakfast, lunch plates and half drunk tea cups in the lounge
put her washing in the machine, turned it on but left it in there.
She also asked me to not put up the xmas tree as it was her "job", I have had it up ready over two weeks with lights on and she has still not dressed it.
She spends allday with a throw over her on the settee watching American drivel on tv.
So this morning Dh marches up to me and tells me off for not making her feel welcome in her own home! He tells me "your just like your mother"
My Mother was a physco bitch that physically and emotionly abused me! So I am very very upset at that remark.
He has since tidied up after her and now neither of them are talking to me. In fact he said right now he would like to be anywhere but here with me.
We have a 99% successful marriage but when we argue, rarely, it is always a major blow up.
Funnily enough it used to about him taking his mothers side over mine but recently since she died him taking DD3 side.
If I had somewhere to go I think I would just leave them to it together.

GailTheGoldfish Wed 19-Dec-12 20:48:24

Even though you are upset, try to say calm and tell him (don't shout) you are not a skivvy and she is easily old enough to tidy up after herself. And tell her the same. And then tell him that he ought to back you up. Then go and have a nice long bath and wine!

fatnfrumpy Thu 20-Dec-12 22:01:40

And so it goes on!
My DD had a friend round all day and I made them a really nice lunch and they both shared a bottle of fizz.
I was more than nice and happy around her friend.
After she left at about 5.30pm DD went to sleep on the sofa.
I woke her up to ask her to put the pasta bake I had made in the oven at 7.30pm as DH and I were going to puppy training class.
She sat up screaming at me to shut up and not wake her up.
DH said nothing.
She did put the dinner on however.
So the minute we sat down she and DH started on me, asking why I treat her like this? Why have I been in a mood all week and then played happy families in front of her friend?
This has gone on for over an hour of them both telling me how unreasonable I am and that I have made her unwelcome in her own home.
So after not having a cigerette for nine months I have just been to the shop and bought myself a packet of 20!
Now I am immature and can,t bear to hear the truth.
Weirdly I feel numb, I don,t feel anything. I must be a terrible mother and wife?
I wish I had somewhere to go.

CoolaYuleA Thu 20-Dec-12 22:07:41

You are not a terrible mother and wife - your daughter is being a brat and your DH is enabling HER.

If my DD behaved like this I would tell her to move out ungrateful little madam.

Now put down the cigs - you know you don't want to start that again (and no doubt it would just be another rod to beat you with).

HorraceTheChristmasOtter Thu 20-Dec-12 22:10:35

Closest B and B, you need some space to yourself without anyone harping on at you for a while. Fuck them and their shitty attitude. Your daughter needs to grow up - in the next year or so she'll have to, god knows what your DH's excuse is.

CoolaYuleA Thu 20-Dec-12 22:10:57

As awful as it sounds after the "your mother" comment knowing that your mother was abusive, followed by the two of them rounding on you, I'd be inclined to check into a hotel and leave them to it for the night.

They aren't appreciating what they have at the moment - perhaps showing them you don't HAVE to be there might help that somewhat.

Kids can sometimes be spoilt entitled brats - but your DH should be backing you to the hilt, and if he doesn't agree with you fine, but he should bring that up in private and not start a two on one row.

FWIW it's YOUR home too - your DD needs to respect that, and you.

NannyEggn0gg Thu 20-Dec-12 22:14:32

So he has had a go at you, in front of your daughter, and egged her on, presumably, to also have a go?
Is there a back story here?

Firstly, down tools. Do not cook, clean, shop, tidy or anything else that benefits either of them. If any of her crap stuff is in your way, pick it up and dump it in her room/at her feet/on her lap.
Tell your excuse for a husband that you will discuss this with him, in private, when tempers have cooled. Until then you will be in the bath.
When you are in private, let him have it back, both barrels.

And I would seriously be considering cancelling Christmas.

fairylightsandtinsel Thu 20-Dec-12 22:17:05

Christ almighty, what the hell is your DH doing backing her up like that? Your username says a lot about your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Can one of your other children not intervene (or would you rather not involve them?) It will be hard to sort your DD's attitude out if your DH is on "her side" in all this, so I think you really need to tackle him about it. Has he offered to clear up after her or do her laundry? Why should it be your job? Try and talk to him calmly if you can, while DD is out and go from there, but if it was me I would be naffing off to a friend's to let them pick up and cook for themselves for a couple of days.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 22:17:53

go away for Christmas and leave them to it - never mind your DD - your husband is behaving appallingly!

pointysettia Thu 20-Dec-12 22:21:16

I'd be finding a last-minute hotel booking over Christmas and leaving the pair of them to it. As for your 'D'H - words fail, he should be calling your 'D'D on her dreadful behaviour. I second going on strike.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Thu 20-Dec-12 22:23:27

Agree with the suggestion about going to a hotel, stopping doing anything expected the pair of them, and dumping her stuff back in her room. She is making the phrase 'you treat the place like a hotel' a literal reality! Not on.

AgentZigzag Thu 20-Dec-12 22:31:46

YANBU to be absolutely fuming at your adult 'D'H and daughter ganging up on you.

Daughter or not, I would not let anyone talk to me or treat me like this in my own home.

It's awful to feel trapped like you are, are you sure you haven't got anywhere else to go? Because if you haven't I'd be mightily tempted to tell her to sling her hook until she remembered even the most basic manners and gratitude I'd taught her.

Some of what you describe could be excused by her age, but then again she has to take responsibility for her actions and how they make other people feel, just as a 4 YO needs telling.

The biggest betrayal in all this is your fuckwit of a husband. I couldn't give a monkeys whether he's 99.999 recurring % OK the rest of the time, he's being a total twat now and should know it. If he wants to take you to task on the way he thinks you behave with your daughter he should talk to you privately, no way should he embarrass and demean you in front of anyone.

I really feel for you <hug>

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 22:36:44

Im about to have DC4, you can come and stay with me if you like, one more for Christmas Dinner wont matter.

It sounds horrendous, both of them sat there having a go at you!

everlong Thu 20-Dec-12 22:38:48

This sounds very much like ds3. He's 21 and in the navy so when he comes home I spoil him. He does naff all around the house and ' lies on the sofa watching jezza ' he leaves pots on the window sill, his room looks likes a bunch of scruffs live there and I wait on him hand and foot.

But he's away for long stretches doing his stuff for our country on a submarine. Who am I to moan?

But if you're not happy with your dd then I understand that too.

I can see it's a different story for you in many ways.

AgentZigzag Thu 20-Dec-12 22:40:19

Oh, and my DH likened me to my fucking mother in an argument not long back, but the look of resignation that he was wrong when I reminded him his parents have the emotional warmth of wet sponges and had forgotten DD1s birthday the week before, was palpable and I point scored massively grin

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 22:44:44

DD is atypical I think, but whats not right is DH, he is behaving dreadfully allowing her to pit you against each other like this.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Thu 20-Dec-12 22:45:17

Wow - Poor you, your husband and daughter are behaving like utter shits!

Can you go visit one of your other children over Christmas, and leave them to it?

CoolaYuleA Thu 20-Dec-12 23:05:05

everlong you do know you aren't doing his future wife (or husband or long term/short term/no term partner, or even himself - phew, is that all bases covered?!) any favours at all don't you?

I was an Army wife for many years (DH has just left the Army) and one of the worst things when we got married was that he expected me to do everything, despite working full time, because his Mum had also done the whole "hail the conquering hero" thing whenever he came home. It was bad enough being solely responsible for everything for months at a time when he was away, to then have him treat home like a hotel with me as chief cook and bottle washer just wasn't happening and we had a few minor disagreements rows until he realised that actually he ought to be doing his share. He wasn't being nasty or even deliberately inconsiderate, he just didn't get that he should do his share because his Mum had always done everything for him.

Please spare a thought for his future wife/alternate options above and just occasionally make him wash a couple of pots (or better still replace the empty loo roll as that still appears to be an impossibility in this house lol!) Your future DIL/alternate list again will thank you for it! grin

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 20-Dec-12 23:05:36

Everlong, bet your ds doesn't get away with that on a sub! grin Up to you if you want to indulge him.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 20-Dec-12 23:07:22

X-post with Coola. blush

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Thu 20-Dec-12 23:30:48

Holy cow OP they are both mental!
He is the one who is enabling her lazy butt ways, down tool for sure, only do your own stuff, kick her dirties into her room, don't cook or clean for either of them and book yourself into the nearest travelodge for Christmas eve and Christmas day, leave them in their filth if thats how your Dh wasnt his Dd to be.

YerMaw1989 Thu 20-Dec-12 23:57:28

I've noticed a lot of men do this, blame the women when there are 2 parties to blame.

sorry ur back on the ciggies, I've hit the evil weed again and I was made to feel like shit about that too. hugs x

frankinsensible Fri 21-Dec-12 00:12:10

Agree with the Travelodge suggestion above - reasonably cheap, clean and best of all anonymous so you won't have to deal with anyone.

You're giving your DD mixed messages by complaining about her laziness and then waiting on her and the friend, it's sad but if she doesn't appreciate what you do then you're going to have to stop doing anything for her.

I think the DH behaviour is a far worse betrayal - to not speak to you leaving you isolated, to tell you he'd rather be anywhere else, to hit you in your most vulnerable spot re your mother, that's not the behaviour of someone who cares about you.

fatnfrumpy Fri 21-Dec-12 00:40:30

Thanks all, its been an awful night. I am in the study. I can hear them chatting and laughing together in the lounge.
Earlier he came into the kitchen and tried to give me a hug. Then of course I was wrong because I didn,t want one. Aparantly I always belittle him in front of our three grown up kids.
( back story we are trying to evict a tenant who owes us 6 weeks rent and he is asking him nicely when do you think you can give us some money? I want to tell him pay up or leave!)
They have both thrown it in my face tonight that I used to be very uptight and angry about my upbringing. Since I have been on anti- d,s I have been very happy.
DD said tonight are you taking your pills! I felt very insulted.
It bloody hurts to be told your just like your mother when she was a very nasty, cruel women.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Fri 21-Dec-12 00:46:19

DD is being deliberately offensive, no wonder you didnt want a hug, I had a similar situation when DH came to live with me - almost ganging up like a child with the children.

I ended up exploding and throwing him out one night and was still sobbing 2 days later, but he saw that them and us with him being them, wasnt on.

That only happened once, it was partly my fault for tolerating it as long as I did.

Parenting is not a popularity contest, its just some parents dont realise that.

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