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To be totally shocked,disgusted,confused and upset

(23 Posts)
bongobaby Wed 19-Dec-12 14:23:07

Shit, i,m trying hard to process this and im struggling. found out that all sorts of bad stuff has gone on in my family past. It,s hard to get my head around it all. My mum was sexually abused by her step dad, My uncle sexually abused her to aswell as his younger sister. This carried on between mum and uncle into adulthood and it now transpires that one of my siblings is my uncles child. Her step father still came to the house as we were growing up even though she knew what he had done to her she put us at risk from him and I,m angry she did this.
It,s a bloody mess and my head feels so fucked up with all of this, I want to block it out but feel myself not being able to.

Kinnane Wed 19-Dec-12 14:28:12

This is terrible for you. I am sorry.

Davsmum Wed 19-Dec-12 14:31:23

What a shock,... If you are very distressed you need to talk this out with a professional counsellor.
You should not try to block it out - you need to deal with how you feel.

I found out some 'stuff' about my mother after she died - Nothing as bad as abuse, but it really does mess with your head.
DO get some help.

Kinnane Wed 19-Dec-12 14:32:36

I don't think it will be possible to 'block it out' the best thing to do is to try to have counselling which I'm sure would help.

Kinnane Wed 19-Dec-12 14:35:16

Nothing takes away the knowing but it helps to talk rather than even try to block it out.

bongobaby Wed 19-Dec-12 14:37:25

I,m am distressed and not coping well with this as it has blown me away,like I have been punched in the stomach. I go between anger,being upset,and then trying to hold it together.
I would feel embrassed and ashamed to talk it out face to face thats why I came here. Its my sibling my heart goes out to as was always told its none of siblings buisness who the father was. As my mum is a very nasty person and would never say who it was. Now it becomes clear as to why she behaves in this way towards sibling.

msrisotto Wed 19-Dec-12 14:39:30

It sounds like a horrible situation all round and i'm sorry you're going through it bongobaby.

MrsMcEnroe Wed 19-Dec-12 14:43:36

Wow, you must be feeling terrible, I'm so sorry.

One thing that struck me about your later post: you say that your mum "is a very nasty person." This nastiness could well be caused by the abuse she suffered? I'm not surprised she didn't want to / couldn't say who the father was. Her pereception of reality must be completely screwed. I really think it would help you to talk to a counsellor in real life. Could you speak to your GP? If not now, could you try to work towards making an appointment in the future?

Don't block this out, please. Horrible and difficult thought it is, you are risking your own mental health if you don't deal with it. I'm very very sorry this has happened to your family.

Davsmum Wed 19-Dec-12 14:46:17

There is nothing to feel ashamed about?? You haven't done anything wrong.. This is something other people did.
I am sure that your mother was also badly affected and it would explain what you call her 'being nasty' Your Mum may have felt ashamed and thats why she never told you or your sibling.
She did not talk because she was ashamed and you are saying you cannot talk because you are ashamed!
Believe me - talking to a counsellor is not the same as talking to just 'anyone' face to face. You would be surprised how easy it can be.

bongobaby Wed 19-Dec-12 14:54:32

The abuse between her and my uncle still carried on sexually even though they were adults living seperately and both were married to other people at the time,this is the most sickening thing.

Davsmum Wed 19-Dec-12 15:14:55

Is your Uncle your Mum's biological brother?

Often, abuse of a child will carry on even when the child becomes an adult. Its a psychological hold the abuser has on them.

You need to find out why this is having such a strong effect on you - Yes, its shocking,. but you need help in coming to terms with it.

MrsDeVere Wed 19-Dec-12 15:19:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonElfInFestiveCheerBoots Wed 19-Dec-12 15:37:50

'Carrying on' with your uncle won't have been your mum's choice, but your uncle's. She will have remained as powerless over the situation as when she was a child, especially as she was abused by two of the men who were supposed to protect her. I'd imagine this would have massively damaged her ability to trust and love, which is likely a contributing factor to being 'nasty'.

Your mum, you and your sibling, and your father are victims in this. She is not responsible for the abuse she suffered.

ArtVandelay Wed 19-Dec-12 15:53:26

So sorry, you must be absolutely reeling from this news. Can you access some support from your GP or an Abuse charity? Incest/abuse is obviously shocking and not something you'd want to discuss with just anyone but you really need to get help with how you feel. You should not be feeling any shame sad

bongobaby Wed 19-Dec-12 16:38:07

Yes he is my mum,s biological brother and so is my aunty his biological sister. That house was a cesspit of abuse and it must of been awful to grow up in. But i am failing to understand that her step father was still able to come and stay over at the house, with mum,s full knowledge of what he did to her, surely you wouldn,t intentionaly put your own children at risk like this. I just need to get my head around this. she always hated us as kids part of me can understand that,her violence,anger towards us. But as a mother myself I couldn,t put my dc in that situation of both of these vile men.
And what pisses me off is that the uncle see,s nothing wrong in sleeping with his two sisters,like it was his right. This is wrong and messing my head up.

MrsDeVere Wed 19-Dec-12 16:49:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellowshipOfFestiveFellows Wed 19-Dec-12 17:10:02

Wow, just wow. I don't even know what to say to you, other than its not your fault, it is the home they grew up in, they didn't know better (as kids) and hopefully by it being "out in the open" your Mum is finally able to admit it isn't the way things should be?

Didn't want to read and run, and also want to give very un-mumsnetty- hugs to you. Please go speak to someone better than me at talking through everything that is in your head. Don't let it destroy another generation of your family by suppressing the anger, hurt and disbelief you must be feeling.

EldritchCleavage Wed 19-Dec-12 17:17:40

This has been a huge shock and you may well feel physically unwell for a while. Look after yourself, try to eat and sleep well and avoid excess alcohol. Be kind to yourself-it really is a massive thing and it's understandable you are reeling.

I agree with finding a counsellor to help you through this. Have you spoken to your siblings (I assume they've also found out)? Support each other as best you can, try not to be alone with it.

ArtVandelay Wed 19-Dec-12 19:00:11

Are you in contact with or being bothered by your mum, uncle or your mum's stepfather? Are you able to keep away from them? Have you got someone who can help you with day-to-day stuff like marshalling DCs etc. You could say a fib like you weren't feeling well to get support without having to talk about this if you don't want to. Don't let anyone try to pressure you into feeling or acting a certain way about any of this - its going to take a while to process. Please look after yourself first and foremost.

bongobaby Wed 19-Dec-12 19:16:58

Thankyou for the kind words of advice given. I am not in touch with any of them as my childhood has been distructive. I no longer speak with my Mother and as for the uncle I have no reason to speak with him. Mother was very physically absusive to us , Beating us and humiliating us on a day to day basis,her favourite one was that she wished she had me aborted. Now I,m thinking o I wish you bloody had and done me favor.
I struggle with depression and i,m scared this will tip me over the edge. It,s bringing back memories of when I was in care because I took an overdose to be gone from her. She always had me down as this shit kid growing up knocking my confidence to bits. Now this has cropped up i,m feeling like that scared little child again with my feelings and wanting to bury whats gone on

EldritchCleavage Thu 20-Dec-12 10:14:02

Time to challenge that notion of you being a 'shit kid', my dear, and accept that the adults around you were damaged and messed up and acting out in horrific ways. It's not you, it's them.

Don't hesitate to come on MN whenever you need support.

MrsDeVere Thu 20-Dec-12 10:30:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllDirections Thu 20-Dec-12 10:39:00

Your family sounds like my family OP. I have no contact with them in order to keep my children safe (and me sane).

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