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about my DB not coming home with me because of his GF?

(217 Posts)
tbwagg Wed 19-Dec-12 12:25:05

Ok, this may be a bit confusing and this is my first time posting but I need some opinions!

Bit of background, me, my DB and his gf are all quite young (early 20s). My DB and I live abroad very far away from our mother, who we haven't seen in 2 years due to financial difficulties. Our mother is desperate to see us, is very sad and depressed about it, and we really miss her too. My DB especially misses the hometown he grew up in. for the last few months we have been talking about going home for NY (my father has offered to pay half our flight tickets) because it is also my mother's birthday close to this time.

finally we have got the go ahead from our father to book the tickets and he sent me the money to book mine and my DB's. we would leave in about ten days time and stay for 2 weeks. i texted my DB to tell him i was booking tickets and he told me he would love to go but couldn't. his reasons were 1) that it was too rushed, 2) it would mean him missing a week of uni but the main reason 3) is that his gf has just found out she's pregnant but wants to have an abortion. she's only 20. he thinks he needs to be around to take care of her, even though they are planning to break up when she returns to uni.

My DB's gf goes to uni in another country from where we live and where our mum lives. She is back in our country for the holidays and is scheduled to leave before we return. so DB would not see her again for another six months or so (but they are planning to break up anyway)

i really think he needs to go home and see his mother, she hasn't seen us in 2 years and i know she'd be very sad if he didn't go (she doesn't know about gf's pregnancy so would just think he didn't want to see her). i know the timing isn't ideal, but the gf has enough time before we leave to get the abortion and have my DB be there to support her. she is leaving about a week after the abortion anyway so they wouldn't be together that long. but i know she doesn't want my DB to go home and i really think he should. he wants to as well but is just really stressed out and sad.

i've told him he needs to go home, and i'm thinking of just booking him a ticket anyway so he has to. am i being unreasonable?

FridgeBenefits Wed 19-Dec-12 12:28:02

If his gf is pg and planning an abortion (or not), I think it's admirable that he wants to be with her to look after her.

I do see why you want him to go home, but could his flight be postponed a few weeks?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Wed 19-Dec-12 12:28:04


He is an adult and he is acting like one.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 19-Dec-12 12:28:15

I think he is right to be around when she has the abortion regardless of whether or not they are splitting up, surely he owes her the support?

StrawberrytallCAKE Wed 19-Dec-12 12:28:19

shock yabu!!!! Put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes for a minute please.

Petsinmypudenda Wed 19-Dec-12 12:28:48

He doing the right thing by staying. Good on him


Izzyschangelingisarriving Wed 19-Dec-12 12:29:30

You are being ridiculous what if she changes her mind - he is acting like a decent man.

MamaGeekChic Wed 19-Dec-12 12:29:40


Your DB is an adult, as an adult he gets to make decisions like this for himself. If his GF is pregnant and is having an abortion then I think it's absolutely the right thing to do for him to be with her regardless of their intentions for an ongoing relationship. Surely he can use the money to go home at a more convenient time for him?

wannabedreams Wed 19-Dec-12 12:30:21

yes yabu!!!!

chrismissymoomoomee Wed 19-Dec-12 12:30:53

Yes he should leave his girlfiend to have an abortion by herself or make her rush it and not be there for the upsetting and possibly painful aftermath. He sounds like a right prick facing up to his responsibilities like that when he should be going back home to have a great family christmas. hmm

FestiveWench Wed 19-Dec-12 12:31:07

fecking hell!

I hope to god that this is a reverse thread!

FuckityFuckFuck Wed 19-Dec-12 12:33:08


He wants to be around to support his gf through an abortion, and that is absolutely the right thing to do. I'm quite sure his gf doesn't want him to go home, if I were her, I wouldn't want him to either. It is going to be a very emotional time for both of them and you need to accept his decision and support him in it.

Could he not just put the money from your father aside and book tickets for later?

BelleoftheFall Wed 19-Dec-12 12:35:11

It would be very manipulative for you to buy a ticket. And a waste of your father's money if you booked it and he didn't take the flight!

It isn't just about the abortion either: like he said, he has a week of university. It's important for him to attend that while supporting his girlfriend. It sounds like the timing for going home is bad for him overall and he's made that clear.

CailinDana Wed 19-Dec-12 12:36:09

Are you for real??? You seriously want your DB to leave a young girl to get an abortion on her own?

CailinDana Wed 19-Dec-12 12:36:53

Also, why can't your DB just book a ticket for later in the year when things aren't so hectic?

FestiveDigestive Wed 19-Dec-12 12:39:16


FiercePanda Wed 19-Dec-12 12:42:29

YABVVVU. Your brother is behaving like an adult and supporting his gf/stbxgf if indeed they do plan to split up when she goes to uni. You should be proud of his decision. Your mother will cope with not seeing him for a few more weeks.

YABVU - good for hims for sticking around to helf his gf out - what a nice supportive partner he is!! I am sure he can go and see your mother another time when things at home settle down.

Do you really think he will be in the mood to be jollying it up when he knows his gf is home alone feeling shit??

How would you feel if you were the GF? Would you be happy with your partner sodding off during a time when you need them?

tbwagg Wed 19-Dec-12 12:47:12

the only time he could realistically go is in the summer, so 6 months from now.. he has said he will go in the summer, but i guess what i'm worried about is that my dad will think it a waste to only send one of us, and will say we should both wait for the summer. and that's just too far away! plus i know my mother really wants to see both of us at once.

also my DB knows that i've been trying to make this happen for ages. they found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, and yet they haven't made any move to see a doctor about the procedure (possibly complicated by the fact that abortion is illegal where we are). i've been telling him he needs to take her, but they keep putting it off even though i've spoken to her and she says she's sure she can't keep it.

like i said, i know the timing isn't ideal but he hasn't seen our mother in 2 years.

letseatgrandma Wed 19-Dec-12 12:47:56

Are you 12? Stop thinking about yourself and listen to what your brother is saying. He hadn't seen your mum for months-a little longer will make no difference. You can go and visit her and explain that he's having relationship difficulties and still has lectures. As he says-he has other priorities at the moment.

God forbid you should ever have to go through an abortion on your own because your boyfriend's feckless sister had other plans for him.

RedToothbrush Wed 19-Dec-12 12:48:09

A man takes responsibility for his girlfriend when she's pregnant and supports her when she decides to have an abortion and you are putting the guilts and pressuring him to go home for somehow being selfish?

Your poor brother. Emotionally blackmailed by his sister at a time when he most needs emotional support as hes facing going through having to support someone who is aborting his child and hes going through a relationship split. Hes already said hes stressed and sad about not being able to go and you put even more pressure on him. AND he would be missing a week of his education.

slow handclap

You need to grow up.

Petsinmypudenda Wed 19-Dec-12 12:49:19

Get a sense of perspective your post is all me me me think of your brother, and his girlfriend.
If you want to go then go but you cannot manipulate him into going with you

whois Wed 19-Dec-12 12:49:33

I think YABU. Your DB is acting like an adult and supporting his GF thru the abortion, he owes her that even if they are to break up.

Pixieonthemoor Wed 19-Dec-12 12:49:40

How often do we hear of stories of ghastly behaviour from young men dumping pregnant girlfriends, not giving a toss and generally wreaking emotional havoc? Yet here we are with a young man willing to face up to his responsibilities even though he has no thought of a long term future with this girl. I understand you are disappointed but I do feel YABU. It's an abortion, not a touch of flu or something. Once your family gets over the disappointment, they will be proud of him for staying by her side and you can make plans for another time.

festivelyfocussed Wed 19-Dec-12 12:50:25

Sorry, I do think YABU. It sounds as though your brother is doing the right thing.
You can still go to visit your parents and he can make his own arrangements when the time is right for him.

Try to imagine a posting from a young student who is going through the trauma of a termination and a break up "aibu for being pissed off with my DP's sister who has boought a plane tickert for him to manipulate him into going "home" for Christmas while I endure this awful stress alone."

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