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or is my friends ex?

(24 Posts)
fuzzywuzzy Mon 17-Dec-12 17:29:16

Friend and her ex have a contact arrangement in place via the courts; friends ex has the children every third weekend from Saturday morning till sunday evening, a week over winter half term, one week in easter and two weeks in summer.
Friend did offer more and altho ex was fighting for residency he refused her offer of seeing the children fortnightly and having them for three weeks in summer and a week each during christmas and easter, instead the ex took friend to court therefore the current arrangement has been decided by a judge.
The childrens matters has now been discharged from court.

Any how, this coming contact session my friend has to urgently be in another part of the UK and won't be in London so has asked her ex to either re-arrange contact for a mutually acceptable alternative date, she told him this last week in order to give him plenty of notice. Alternatively she has suggested ex return the children on Sunday morning instead of the evening or he can have the children for the entire week, as she will be out of London during the week, this is because altho the ex dragged friend to court and insisted he wanted the children over the winter half term holiday for the entire week, he then did NOT take the children for the week and instead demanded in court he have them over christmas week instead (which the judge refused). Friend thought well as he wants that week anyway at least one of the alternatives would be acceptable to him.

The ex has however refused and has started proceedings to take her back to court for contempt.

Is my friend being unreasonable?

Neither my friend nor her ex celebrate christmas so there is no issue there, her ex comes down from Scotland to see the children and has no job so there is no question of arranging childcare on his part or anything like that.

I am of course on my friends side and think she is being reasonable but am I biased?

Presumably emergencies and changes will happen on both sides on occassion and it is in both their interest to accomodate one another for the sake of the children.

If my friend is being unreasonable what reasonable alternative can she offer?

DozyDuck Tue 18-Dec-12 06:18:18

There should be something about emergencies and notice periods for changes in their agreement

Megatron Tue 18-Dec-12 06:29:38

There will be a clause about emergencies on the agreement as the pop says.

Gumby Tue 18-Dec-12 07:04:21

Maybe grandparents could help her out instead & leave him out of it?

buggerama Tue 18-Dec-12 07:07:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs Tue 18-Dec-12 07:17:29

If this is part of an ongoing issue where your friend rearranges contact at relatively late notice to suit her, then SIBU.

But it doesn't sound like it. And the fact that she's offered several alternatives is positive, too. in the circumstances as presented I'd imagine a judge would give her ex very short shrift for wasting the court's time. Sometimes things crop up and you need to be a bit flexible to deal with it.

Does she have any of the offers of alternative arrangements in writing?

misterwife Tue 18-Dec-12 07:45:57

It sounds like the ex has a history of throwing hissy fits and going to court over trivial crap. In which case, your friend INBU.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 18-Dec-12 07:53:54

It depends on why your friend has to urgently be in another part of the UK.

If she has a close relative or parent who is very sick and needs to be attended to, then she INBU. For any other reason, SIBU. Her children's contact arrangements with their Father should be a very high priority.

sashh Tue 18-Dec-12 08:04:11

Ex is being a dick.

She should send him a letter with all the options, send it recorded delivery and if he has already contacted the court, then send a copy to them.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 08:06:27

Her family don't live in London.

She normally arranges her life around contact, her ex has the history of changing contact literally hours before its due or just not turning up, leaving my friend & children waiting around for hours.

She has suggested re-scheduling contact not missing it completely. This is probably the first time she's asked to change contact in three years.

There's nothing in the judgement regarding occasional changes, I suppose the judge presumed they'd sort it out.

My friend is terrified about being dragged back to court over this, actually I think she's just exhausted.with it all.

misterwife Tue 18-Dec-12 08:09:31

Is there any way that the boot can go on the other foot, and your friend can take the ex to court for his constant dicking about/vexatious litigation?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 18-Dec-12 08:13:40

The ex sounds like a twunt, but him missing contact arrangements and messing your friend and her dc around doesn't make it ok for her to do it too.

She has the option of taking him back to court for the things he has done wrong, but I can understand that she has had enough of all that and doesn't want to have to.

I still think it depends on what the reasons are that your friend wants to change contact, so without that, it's impossible to say if she is being unreasonable or not. If its not a family emergency, it's hard to think of anything important enough to change a child's contact arrangements with their other parent over.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 08:19:32

Her parents have passed away, her ex MIL has wished my friends children dead & doesn't have the greatest relationship with the ex so there's no question of asking grandparents to step in.

This is a huge mess really.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 08:24:19

It's a family emergency she has to be with a sibling whose very ill. She would have dropped everything and gone immediately but couldn't due to contact being scheduled, she informed her ex immediately giving him two weeks notice.

He won't miss contact he could even have the children for the entire week if he chose.

She's not messing him around in retaliation to his past behaviour, she accepts it as given that she will have to put up with it till the children can arrange to see their father themselves.

Snorbs Tue 18-Dec-12 13:52:47

Well that's fair enough. It's a family emergency, she gave him as much notice as she realistically could, and she's offered more contact to make up for it. There's nothing else she can realistically do in the circumstances.

I really do think any judge would regard her ex as an utter arse if that's all he's whining about.

MaxPepsi Tue 18-Dec-12 14:09:32

He sounds like an arse but i'm guessing there is more of a back story?

Who moved away? Scotland to London is a long journey to make for one weekend.

If he has no job, how does he afford to do it? Presumably he has travel costs and rent to pay for in London? He might not be able to change his plans form a logisitc and cost point of view.

How old are the kids? Can she not send them to Scotland with a friend?

Or take them with her?

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 14:16:45

I dont think the judge will be best pleased either, but he's been dragging her thro the courts for the past three years. My friedn just does not want it back in court now that its been discharged.

She doesn't want to seem petty, we're trying to work out how she can work thro this.

It's a one off, she really is terrified about ensuring contact is always made as scheduled.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 14:27:51

He was very abusive, my friend left, she has residency of the children legally via the scottish courts.

He gets disability and doesn't pay any money in child support, this is relevant as the money he spends to come to london is the only expense he incurs with regards the children, his hotel costs about £15 he usually gets the cheapest form of transport down by either train or plane.

This really is a one off, there isn't anyone who can take the children to Scotland, he will be in london he can take them with him if he wishes.

I think firned will bite the bullet and facilitate contact as scheduled but if anythign happens to her sister I'm not sure what she will do. She's been thro so much.

MamaMumra Tue 18-Dec-12 14:36:50

Is it a real emergency if she gave him 2 weeks notice? Could she see her sibling another time? Or perhaps you could help out?
I don't know if it's helpful to know whether he is being unreasonable or she is - I won change things, iyswim?

MamaMumra Tue 18-Dec-12 14:38:31

* won't

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 14:40:51

she wanted to go immediately she told him as soon as she found, contact was a fortnight away at that point, he got back thro his solicitors and said he was going to take her to court for contempt.

It's an emergencty in as far as nobody knows how her sisters health will hold up, all the siblings are congregating to where the ill sister is which is outside London.

I cant have her children for a week.

MamaMumra Tue 18-Dec-12 14:43:10

X posted

He's probably booked travel tickets in advance if money's that right - I wonder if they are inflexible travel dates.

Could he stay at you friends house?

Travelling to London from Scotland is a big journey - especially of he has an physical disability (if that's what his disability be idiots are for?)

MamaMumra Tue 18-Dec-12 14:44:12

Benefits not be idiots!! Fuck me!! blush

fuzzywuzzy Tue 18-Dec-12 16:01:57

OK so perhaps she is unreasonable to expect him to agree to a change.

There's no way she would let him stay at her house, he doesn't know where she lives, she doesn't want him to either, she's afraid of him still. He was very very physically abusive to her.

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