To want Christmas on our own without in laws?

[MummytoMog]

I'm being a cow, I know. We've spent every single christmas since we were together, so all thirteen of them) with my OH's parents. They're lovely, and they make a massive effort for Christmas and never mind if my family comes over on Boxing day. Since I had the DCs (and before to be honest) I've really started hating Christmas - I'm away from my house, I end up eating food I hate (I don't like fruit, nuts or fish which limits me in their house), we always do everything like eating and present opening to their timetable, they insist on feeding the kids stupid messy food, and then I have to clean them up, we're barely allowed to watch TV, everyone gets plastered, so I have to stay sober for the kids. Etc etc etc. whine whine whine. Anyway, last year we went because they were supposed to be moving and it would be our last chance. I was so angry by lunchtime (when we did not eat of course, because Christmas involves starving all fucking day and then eating a massive meal at 4pm) that I was practically in tears. In January I had a very forceful conversation with OH about staying home for Christmas, and he agreed. Come November, he was gently reminded of this and threw a complete strop. So somehow, Christmas on our own has turned into Christmas with his fecking parents staying here, even though we are all going to his brother's house on boxing day. This means that DD is going to have to sleep in with her brother in his tiny toddler bed, I'm going to have to buy hundreds of pounds worth of food and spend all of my time cleaning for the two days before they get here. And then no doubt have to still do everything to their fecking timetable all day.

I had basically resigned myself to this when bloody OH pipes up with 'and shall we spend New Year there at my parents?'. Er no. He's being serious as well. He can't think of any reason why I wouldn't want to spend several days staying with his parents. It's not that I don't like them, I just don't want to spend most of my christmas holiday with them.

Oh well. He'll be sorry when he realises that there's no way he's getting a shag with his parents in the next room.

[kennyp]

i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyte christmas at my ils house. dire food. no conversation. mil pissed. sycophantic bollocks from bils wife.

totally reasonable to spend it at home. how about getting up and having wine for breakfast and elevenses (all of you) and then you will all be too pissed to drive anywhere. you're welcome ;))

[clam]

Hmm. Your house, your timetable! Be strong and DON'T be shifted on this.

[natsmum100]

I'd clean the house as I wouldn't want them judging me by the state of the house, but I would be asking him what he was planning on feeding his family.

[maddening]

You and the kids go and spend Xmas at your parent's and he can entertain his parents to his hearts delight? I expect the reason you've been going every year is more to do with your dh than you pil afterall.

When did it turn in to pil coming over? If recent it isn't to late to cancel it.

[HermioneE]

You say they're lovely, so it sounds like it's just 'their Christmas' which pisses you off, rather than your ILs themselves. Make sure this Christmas is your and your DH's choice- your preferred food, your schedule, lay it out with him in advance so you can both present a united front.

And try not to wind yourself up in advance- it might be fine

[squeakytoy]

you will need to buy £££s of food for two extra people? I doubt that..

it is just one day out of the year...

[bradywasmyfavouritewiseman]

TBH christmas at theirs sounds shit. But not just because of them. Where is your dh when 'everyone is pissed' and you are sober and where is he when teh kids need cleaning up?

Would christmas with just you dh and dcs be any better, would he help then?

YANBU to want christmas on your own, at all but I don't think that will solve your issues.

I got to ask you were that hungry you were 'practically in tears'? if they are not considerate enough to buy food you like in why in 13 years have you not taken some snacks. Did you not eat breakfast?

This part sounds a bit unreasonable and a bit martyr - ish.

[flumperoo]

"I'm going to have to (buy hundreds of pounds worth of food and) spend all of my time cleaning for the two days before they get here."

Why? Just don't bother. Your DH invited them, let him do all the work!

You're a grown woman and you don't HAVE to do ANYTHING you don't want to.

[exoticfruits]

If they are coming to you then just do it your way.

[LRDtheFeministDude]

Yep, if your DH wants them there, he should be doing a good share of the hosting.

I think it's not unreasonable after 13 years to want Christmas to yourself. It is naturally going to be different for him - they are his parents! I think he's being quite odd if he can't see that to you, going to Christmas with them (however lovely they might be) is not quite the same as it is for him.

[squeakytoy]

Do you normally take food with you when you go to theirs? If not then you have saved more than a few hundred pounds over the last thirteen years too.. :)

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

Have Christmas dinner when you want to, clean what you want to - in short it's your fucking house do what YOU want.

They now have to fall in with you. Just don't make the crucial error of saying 'make yourself at home'.

[CailinDana]

You should be delighted OP - you now have the perfect chance to do exactly what you want. Get totally pissed, eat whatever food you like and definitely don't cook dinner - just leave all the preparation and cooking to DH, he's the one who wanted his parents over after all.

You concentrate on making sure the children have a good time.

[Arithmeticulous]

Start EVERY conversation with "In our house we...."

They DARE to question ANYTHING - fix that gaze, and "In our house we...."

You "In our house we...." them into submission

[BackforGood]

I don't know why you've let this go on so long. Surely the "usual" thing to do is to alternate time with each family when you first become a couple, unless there is some imperative reason why not. Most people have ideas of the way they like Christmas Day to pan out, and quite often that's different with different halves of a couple..... slobbing in front of TV vs no TV / dressing up vs spending day in PJs / Going to Church or not / going out for a walk or some fresh air or not / the time of day you eat / if you like to play charades or board games or not.
If you found it all so alien the first year, then why didn't you say either "Let's go to my family" or "lets stay at home" next year ?

As others have said, I'm not sure why them coming is going to entail hundresd of £ of food extra, and not sure why you were collapsing with hunger at theirs, etc., but YANBU wanting Christmas without the in-laws sometimes, but YABU in not stating it years ago, and now you have, in not being firm about doing it to your timetable.

[NamingOfParts]

Do things your way. If they arent dressed when meals are ready then they have them in their PJs or you simply carry on with serving your DCs/selves. They get cold dinner? So what.

Children are a wonderful excuse for doing what suits you them. Children like their routines so stick to them.

Please do get to a place where you can enjoy Christmas. I grew up with my DM hating Christmas, I didnt realise how much she spoiled Christmas until I was an adult and had my first Christmas away from her.

[ravenAK]

Right. You just need to make damn sure it runs to YOUR schedule.

Sit down & plan menus & a rough idea of timing (consult your own DPs as to what they did when you were little if the coking etc is a bit daunting).

Do everything completely differently from IL-style Xmas from breakfast on - ie. if they insist on present opening when fully dressed over a naice sherry, do it in pyjamas at the breakfast table (or vice versa). & so on - Xmas lunch whenever suits you & dc, watch whatever telly you like.

Either you'll all have a lovely day & you'll have established new traditions, or they'll hate it & not want to come next year, which means you get the Xmas you want in future.

& make sure dh does all the dancing attendance on his parents/disciplining kids - this will a) bring home to him exactly what you have to put up with every year & b) enable you to hole up in the kitchen with the cooking & the vodka.

[ravenAK]

Cooking, not coking. That might be a step too far!

[MummytoMog]

Okey dokey, it's not just one day - I pitched for just one day, they want to come for four days. So while I might be exaggerating a bit (and thinking about the colossal amount of booze they will drink, the fact that they will expect some enormous joint of meat for dinner every night and the slightly high end snacks they will expect, I think it probably will be close to a couple of hundred pounds) on the extra food costs, I can't face them being here without a pretty serious clean. OH is incapable of cleaning properly - he claims to clean the bathroom and kitchen, but I'm still scraping mold off when I'm in the shower for example.

I wasnt hungry - I was angry. I was a bit starving too, but more cross that yet again I was being forced to dance to someone else's tune. And that my OH completely abdicates from any 'stopping yr children from killing themselves in the completely unchildproofed house' responsibility at his parents. Last time we were there, I had to take a kitchen knife out of my 20 month old DS's pudgy little fingers before he slaughtered his sister with it.

Breakfast there is muesli (no), fruit (no) or coffee. I drank the coffee. One year, having remembered I don't like fruit so don't like Christmas pudding, they got me a summer fruits cheesecake. Which I had to gag down. Or the year they remembered I don't like seafood so instead of king prawns I had a melon. Which I had to gag down. I've been smuggling food in pretending it was for the kids the last three years (bread that can be toasted for example and biscuits and cheese which is not blue). I know I'm a fussy cow when it comes to food, but it's been thirteen years and it's pretty simple - no fruit, no fish, no nuts.

Financially, the in laws are incredibly generous and could never pay them back everything they have lent us or bought us. But that doesn't suddenly mean I magically have an extra wodge of cash to buy extra food and booze at Christmas. I was fondly imagining a little turkey, which we could eat for a couple of days, and lots of cheap veg and drinking all the sparkling wine we were given for our wedding anniversary this year. and sitting around in our PJs, watching bad Christmas TV, maybe not drinking like fishes...

Oh and we only have one bathroom. And just one loo. Which is currently flushed by means of a piece of string. Ack.

[Amothersruin]

YADNBU OP!!-I have had this for years-xmas at my inlaws which I hated as mil is a shit cook,dh and bil would sit and get pissed and I would be expected to wait on them hand and foot

Last year I told dh we were staying at home-he wasnt happy and neither were inlaws but I stuck to my guns and we had a lovely day with just us and our dcs.

This year there wasnt even a question as to what we were doing-we have broken the cycle and shall be staying at home from now on.

You should have told your dh NO when he sais they were coming to yours but definately make it clear that next year you will not stand for it. Inlaws have had years of doing it their way-now its your turn.

[MummytoMog]

Ooh, lots of cross posting. Some very good ideas though...

I know I should have put a stop to it before, but DH is such a passive aggressive whiny bitchyboy sometimes, it seemed easier not to.

[ravenAK]

Ah. Well, four days is completely different & blatantly nuts.

I'd develop diplomatic norovirus & take to my bed, I think.

Make sure there's a telly in the bedroom. Leave dh to it.

You'd only have to do it once.

[Amothersruin]

mog-my dh actually threatened last year to still go to his parents even if I wasnt-I told him to go and not come back-that soon put his gas at a peep! Tbh I dont think dh was that fussed about seeing his parents-it was the getting pissed with his brother that he enjoyed!

Inlaws are going to said bil and sil this year and I am sure my name will be mud-oh well.....

[Hassled]

I think you're all going to go down with norovirus round about Wednesday. It will last a good few days, and will be highly contagious. Your OH will go along with this because you will cut his nuts off with a fruit knife (see what I did there?) if he doesn't.

After 13 years, you are fully entitled to a Christmas without the ILs. If this involves blatant lies a certain level of mild deception, then that's all part of the Christmas spirit.

[marthastew]

I also have to have Christmas at my MILs every bloody year. She is alone - no other family, we live in a shoe box so she can't come to us and she will not go to my parents as she won't leave the flipping dog.

Horrible dog-hair-laden food, being bossed about, not being allowed to watch TV, not being able to be 'in charge' of my own children's timetable, listening to her and DH argue, not being to wear anything nice because the dog claws at you asking for food constantly. Having to share the living room with the litter tray for her four house cats.

Make sure you get the day you want op.