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AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

(164 Posts)
surfingbabies Sun 16-Dec-12 09:12:31

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable sad.......

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Sun 16-Dec-12 09:22:25

If you give the child your name and then get married. Won't you then have to apply again to ten courts to change the other 2 and then change the oldest name again?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Sun 16-Dec-12 09:23:22

sorry I mea. If you give the child your name and follow the plan you have outlined.

Preposteroushypothesis Sun 16-Dec-12 09:23:58

Give the baby your surname, I don't understand why unmarried mothers give the baby the dads surname. Like you said, if you get married later you can always change it then but if you don't then you can't change it without his consent which he obviously won't give you I am not married and I double barrelled my DD's surname as, although I am goin to marry her father at some point, I am not planning on changing my name to his so I want her to have my name too. Luckily the 2 names go really well together otherwise I would have only given her my name!!

CSIJanner Sun 16-Dec-12 09:24:47

I have a friend who has put her maiden name in as their last middle name - so DD Smith Jones for example. Is that a possibility?

RedHelenB Sun 16-Dec-12 09:24:58

If you are going to change names then change to yours - how will the older kids feel if you split with current man & they have his name. Personally I would leave things as they are & then decide what surname you want the baby to have, probably the fathers as that way you have done the same thing for all 4 children.

chrismissymoomoomee Sun 16-Dec-12 09:25:56

Its a tough one, he probably feels exactly the same as you do about the baby not having the same last name as him. You don't have to be married to change surname. You or him could change name by deed pole, or you could give the baby a double-barrelled last name.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake Sun 16-Dec-12 09:26:23

My friend had this issue, so they changed all their surnames to something they'd come up with. And an awesome surname it is too.

seeker Sun 16-Dec-12 09:26:37

" I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me"

You completely understand his view? Why?

Preposteroushypothesis Sun 16-Dec-12 09:27:57

I would have said give it your name whether or not you had the situation with the other children but I think it's even more important with your older children wanting to change their name to yours. It's the only way all your children can have the same name (your name). If you get married and change your name to your DPs then that would be really unfair on your current DCs who you say hate having a different name from you and are going to all this trouble to change this. If you keep your name and all the children have your name then your DP is the only one left out and he is an adult and will get over it or he can change his name too grin

HollyBerryBush Sun 16-Dec-12 09:31:41

Can't do right for doing wrong, the father wants it acknowledged publicly this is his child - which is right and proper - and someone comes along asking why.

HenriettaTurkey Sun 16-Dec-12 09:33:37

I'd give the baby your surname. Change it if you get married.

whois Sun 16-Dec-12 09:33:50

I think the best solution would be to change the kids names to your maiden name, then double barrel the baby's.

I don't really like kids having different surnames from their brothers/sisters/dad/mum. Just confusing! My friend is not married to her DP of about 10 years and when their baby was horn she changed her name to his to avoid any name issues.

McChristmasPants2012 Sun 16-Dec-12 09:35:53

I would just create a new surname for everyone.

my dh and I did this when pregnant with DC1

Alconleigh Sun 16-Dec-12 09:37:29

Your name. Or a new name for all of you, including DP. The sooner we get away from this assumption that the man's name is more important, the better.

HollyBerryBush Sun 16-Dec-12 09:38:33

Some people prefer tradition.

Alconleigh Sun 16-Dec-12 09:39:37

If he were that bothered about tradition, they'd be married.

XiCi Sun 16-Dec-12 09:40:27

I think you already know that the right thing to do for your kids is for them to all have your name.
Your DP could be just using the marriage argument to get his own way. You've been together 4 years and are having a baby. If he hasn't proposed by now is it likely that he will? In any case its not a given that you would change your name if you didn't. Many women don't.
Do what's right for your children. If your dp is a decent man he will understand this and want this too.

DozyDuck Sun 16-Dec-12 09:40:33

I have DS his dads surname and have never regretted it even though we aren't together anymore. Doesn't bother me in the slightest that he has a different name and no one has ever asked.

I like the idea of you all changing your name to something you come up with of your DP will go for that though smile then you don't have to be married for his name to be the same as his sons

surfingbabies Sun 16-Dec-12 09:41:22

Preposteroushypothesis I meant if we get married then my older DC will change their name to his as well so we will all have the same surname's such a hard one because like bradywasmyfavouritewiseman points out I will have to apply to the courts again to change my twins name if we do get head is spinning with it all. In an ideal world it would be nice if we got married ASAp like before baby arrives or shortly afterwards that way we can all have his surname and everyone's happy but one he's not asked (he just talks about it) we cant afford it but i dont think we ever will and two from my point of view its the wrong reason to get married.....very unhappy at mo sad and I should be so happy right now only having 3 weeks left till I meet my lovely bundle of joy but I'm dreading it as I know when it comes to registering it we're going to have lots of upset and tears sad

seeker Sun 16-Dec-12 09:41:39

"Some people prefer tradition."

Yes, well. An unthinking adherence to tradition is a very dangerous thing.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Sun 16-Dec-12 09:41:41

Tell him that the name can be changed to his IF you get married but it can't be changed back if you don't get married.

OHforDUCKSchristmasCake Sun 16-Dec-12 09:41:43

I will probably marry DP at some point but I hate the idea of taking his surname. I like my surname.

SanityClause Sun 16-Dec-12 09:44:01

Would your older DC want to take your DPs surname, if you did? That is, do they want your surname in particular, or do they just want to have the same name as you?

In which case, get married. You don't have to wait for him to propose, all romantic-like. You can just discuss it with him. He has brought up the subject of marriage, already.

If he won't discuss marriage wth you, then you don't need to take his feelings about surnames into consideration, just in case he might change his mind in the future. You are having a baby together. Now is the time to be discussing these things.

Incidentally, it is quite usual for women to keep their own surnames when they marry, or indeed he could take yours if you wanted a "matching set".

millie30 Sun 16-Dec-12 09:45:25

Give the baby your surname. I gave DS my name against the wishes of my now ExP and I'm glad I did. Stuff tradition. We weren't married, I was the one who carried and gave birth to him, and now as a lone parent I do 100% of the child care and providing. Why should I have a different name to my child just because I'm the female parent?

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