Two days ago, DH, me, our three DCs (9, 11, 13), granny, SIL and her two DCs went out for a meal in the evening (early about 7.00pm) for one of granny's landmark birthdays. We went to a chain pub, which later on turns into a club with bouncers on the door, no children after 9pm etc. It is in a town well known for stag/hen nights, however this time of year it is mostly Christmas parties.
It was very very busy, behind our table there were two long tables of about twenty people each, which looked like work do's. The bar was also very busy - there were steps leading down to the restaurant bit from the bar.
Our food arrived quite quickly. When we had finished our meal, we were waiting for the staff to bring plates for the birthday cake. My SILs older DC started running around and around the table very fast (aged 5yrs). SIL sat there doing nothing. Then the her younger DC started doing it also (aged 3yrs), whilst they were running the 3 year old ran into the legs of a fully laden waitress who nearly dropped all her plates. SIL still just sat there. They were running within close proximity of the people sitting on the end of the work do tables.
SIL was completely oblivious to it all, so I grabbed the 3yr old on his next run around, and plonked him down on a chair beside me, and said in quite a firm voice "sit down now, those people are having their dinner and Granny is about to have her cake". He immediately burst into tears, SIL glared at me, grabbed him on her lap. The 5 year old continued to run around the table, and then ran up the steps on her own into the bar area, my DH went to get her back, when she arrived back he put her onto her chair, she immediatley slid off under the table and started the running around thing again.
They have behaved like this before, I often make excuses for not going out when they are going to be there, as the children's behaviour, or rather the mother's complete oblivion to their behaviour actually winds me up. In the past she also literally just sits there whilst her children run around other people's tables, talk to strangers eating, ask if they can try some of their food (I kid you not!) and generally act as if they are in a playground. SIL has said in the past she thinks it cheers people up to see her kids smiley faces, and they are so freespirited and cute nobody could get annoyed with them..... Hence why I usually make my excuses, but as it was granny's landmark birthday couldn't get out of it.
Anyway, the saga continues - we all take it in turns to do Christmas dinner, this year is SILs turn to do it at her house. Today DH has received a telephone call to say that we are no longer invited for christmas day, as SIL is upset that I took it upon myself discipline her child, and it will ruin their Christmas if I do so again.
I am of the opinion that I am quite pleased not to have to go around there, and am happy to break away from the big family Christmas and start having Christmases at home with just our family, but Granny has now rung up very upset, and asked DH if I can apologise and make an excuse, i.e. say I was stressed at work or something.
I am not happy to do this, as I am not sorry. AIBU to not aplogise even though it will probably upset MIL?
AIBU?
To have discplined my SILs children as she was doing nothing...??
Shinyballsandtinsel · 15/12/2012 13:11
No don't apologise, you did nothing wrong. Out of curiosity what was the DC's Dad doing while they were cause havoc?
Anyway enjoy your Xmas at home. Sounds bliss 
Ohh tricky, I wouldn't want to upset my granny but your sil sounds like a plank and you have just been given your get out of jail free card.
Can you speak to granny, what would her reaction be if you said you won't be apologising or attending Christmas Day? Could granny come to yours 
YANBU, she is. But you know this already. I guess the real question is what do you want to do about it?
Do you swallow your principles for the sake of your mil or stick to your guns.
Personally I'd like to think I would stick to my guns but I'm probably more likely to apologise and spend the entire day seething silently
It's a tricky one - can you say something like "I'm sorry I disciplined your dc's, their behaviour isn't acceptable to me but I appreciate that you don't give a toss about others" ...... Or would that not help??
I'm failing to see how you disciplined her child? You just sat him down and told him to stop running around. Discipline is a strong word. Clearly these children don't know what a telling off actually is 
YANBU. Don't apologise. Everyone's version of acceptable behaviour is different, but your SIL's bar must be set pretty low. You did nothing wrong.
I sympathise. I actually had to stop seeing a friend due to the bad behaviour of her DD's.
They would run off and 'hide' in the shops. What fun 
. And we got to spend hours looking for them. I kid you not. Sometimes we couldn't and we had to rope in staff to help.
And when we found them? Cuddles all round.
Meals were just like yours - except they would lick, without reprimand, the salt and pepper shakers. And not just at our table.
Disgusting.
Bad memories
But it is a lot harder with family. How far will it go? Will she eventually get over it and move on? Or will it divide you forevermore - which means your children won't get to see their cousins.
Maybe you could say a neutral "I'm sorry you are upset. We parent differently and if my children were misbehaving I would expect you to tell them not to. Obviously a misunderstanding."
did you speak to SIL before you grabbed her child? Not that I'm saying you did the wrong thing - but I'm intrigued that anyone would just sit there and watch while their child is crashing into waitresses with plates of hot food! What would have happened if you had said "That is dangerous, you really need to go and get them and tell them to sit down"
SIL sounds foul and her kids sound like hard work. You'll have a nicer Christmas without them, and Granny...well, tough. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth 
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As others have said - isn't this a get out of jail free card? SIL uninvited you to a big family event so she threw her toys out of the pram. Why couldn't she have talked about it to you over the phone rather than uninviting her brother and his family? Sounds like her kids aren't the only ones who need a lesson in how to behave... "Ruin her Christmas if you do it again"? Well if they're well behaved or she disciplines them herself then she's got nothing to worry about!
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