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me and the children. all 5 of them.

(61 Posts)
CraigyG Sat 15-Dec-12 11:00:32

Well hello,

I know im not a mum,but at the minute im the mum and dad rolled into one. I have 5 children and me and my wife always wanted a large family. She recently left after meeting someone online and said she needed a break.

Not great timing as i am having trouble keeping my iob as it is, i do have a well payed job, but juggling the kids is not easy and have even asked my ex for some help recently and she is starting to be around alot more which is comforting. But is it wrong to feel this way?

My ex doesn't have kids, she does love mine though and she was hinting at 'us' alot last week.

2 of my children are troubled and was findint it hard to gain any control and found myself losing it a couple of times and had to cool of for a few minutes and th children had the house in a right state both times, i think they are wanting attention. The ages are from 5 to 15. Heeelp.

Thanks and hoping to find some answers,

Craig.x

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Dec-12 11:03:20

The Ex is an ex from before your wife? OR do you mean your wife is the ex

confused

ImperialSantaKnickers Sat 15-Dec-12 11:05:48

Hi Craigy

Just to be clear, your wife has left you and the children? Is she not seeing them at all? When did she go?

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 15-Dec-12 11:06:01

I dont understand.

The ex is a girlfriend you got after your wife left?

You have 5 children by your wife and non with your girlfriend?

lunar1 Sat 15-Dec-12 11:06:23

I know it must be hard but I wouldn't be introducing a potential new relationship with your previous ex into the children's lives right now. They need some stability.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Sat 15-Dec-12 11:17:46

How long ago did your wife leave?

Is ex an ex-girl friend who is now in your life again?

CraigyG Sat 15-Dec-12 11:48:10

Wow, very quick replies,thanks. Sorry i wasnt very clear, my wife was acting strange in october the left early to mid november, she hasnt been to see the children but has phoned when i wasnt there.

The ex is a girlfriend from before i met my wife,but just didnt work and then met my wife, we have been married about 8 years.

The ex we will call Jen, works for the same company as me which is how asking for her help came about.

Me and my wife had children before we were married, then i landed my current job and could afford to marry her.

lunar1 Sat 15-Dec-12 11:55:26

You need to get Jen out of the picture, it will confuse your children even more. Do you or your wife have family who can help out?

Have you tried to contact her? Disgusting that she could just turn her back on you and her children like that

FuckityFuckFuck Sat 15-Dec-12 11:55:48

I agree with Lunar

It's a bloody horrible situation but you have to put your kids first for now and not introduce a new relationship into their lives so soon. Do you have any family/friends that can help out sometimes? People that the children already know and trust?

ImperialSantaKnickers Sat 15-Dec-12 11:58:10

I'm not surprised two of your children are unsettled, in fact I'm amazed that it isn't all of them.

How do you feel about your wife? Do you actually want her to come back? If you do, you must stop asking Jen for help, it's clear that she still has feelings for you and it's not fair if you are not ever going to be able to reciprocate.

SummerRainIsADistantMemory Sat 15-Dec-12 12:00:17

Can you afford a nanny? Someone to be at home for the children giving them the stability they desperately need whilst you're at work?

When you say 'troubled' do you mean SN? Do they have diagnoses and statements in place?

ImperialSantaKnickers Sat 15-Dec-12 12:00:32

And frankly it's far too soon to be involving anyone else other than family or close friends who have no romantic implications.

peaceandlovebunny Sat 15-Dec-12 12:01:25

disgusting? that's not very sympathetic! she has five children, she might well be worn out.
so, mr g, have you been stringing this jen along for years, and did your wife know that?

KittyFane1 Sat 15-Dec-12 12:03:37

Jen is ex. Not ex wife or mother to children. Where is mother to children? I don't understand [obviously thick]

KittyFane1 Sat 15-Dec-12 12:06:28

Right. Got it. Mother to DC is out of picture. New woman is here and is Ex from before you got married.

FuckityFuckFuck Sat 15-Dec-12 12:07:06

It is disgusting that she could walk out on her children to be with someone she met on the internet 2 months ago. I'm sure she is worn out, OP is probably worn out as well but he hasn't chosen to bugger off and let someone else deal with the consequences

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 15-Dec-12 12:08:13

Why was it natural for you to ask Jen for help decades after your relationship ended?

To me that sounds highly unnatural, unless Jen was on the scene before your wife left. Is Jen the reason your wife left?

It is not a good idea to introduce a new woman now. You need to put your children first and keep Jen away. You cant just replace their mother like this.

The obvious source of help is family. Or get a nanny on board. Preferably live out.

Your children needs stability and help to understand why their mother has abandoned them.

lunar1 Sat 15-Dec-12 12:09:23

I'm sticking with disgusting, the op said she met someone else on line. Even if she is worn out she has had over a month to rest!

Sirzy Sat 15-Dec-12 12:13:00

Having people helping as friends is fine, but for now if those boundaries get blurred then you are probably going to be better avoiding them as a source of help.

How old are the children? Do you have a supportive family

As a single mother to one child I can begin to imagine how tough that is with 5 children.

Jingleflobba Sat 15-Dec-12 12:15:52

I would distance yourself from Jen. Your children are upset and unsettled and so are you. You are in no fit state to be relying on someone who you have had a relationship with in the past right now, your emotions are all over the place so your ex girlfriend may not be the best person to turn to.

CraigyG Sat 15-Dec-12 12:22:58

Ok, a few things to clear up, i met jen well before my wife, nothing really came of it and my wife knows this.

I didnt turn to jen at all, she could see i was distressed at work hence why i was struggling in my job. Why do you assume it would be my fault,because i am a man?

Jen came to me and asked if i needed a help, i had ni where else to go, our families arent near us so i took what i could get.

2 of the children are very hyper and breaking things shoutjng at other children one minute then the next minute, relaxed and watching tv, i put it down to the situation, but i have been told of some disorders it could be and worth looking in to.

I know it wint be helping my children having jen there, but feel it will be worse for me and subsequently worse fir the children if i am alone trying to sort this...

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Sat 15-Dec-12 12:32:44

So, you are now in the position your wife was in, at home, before she left?

Could she turn to you the same way you turn to Jen?

nannynick Sat 15-Dec-12 12:42:19

Routine, structure. Children even teenagers need the security that having a structure to their lives - school helps with that which may mean you find school holidays worse - do you?
Your children are old enough to read so you can write routines down, discuss with them what the routine is and modify routine a little based on their feedback.
Keep things the same - same cereal, same bread, avoid too many changes.
Encourage the children to help each other. Give responsibility to those children you feel are able to cope with it, such as helping with laundry, washing up/dishwasher, making packed lunches etc.
If funds allow contract out some tasks such as having a cleaner once a week, ironing service (if things really need to be ironed).
Set budgets and have To Do lists.
Have a digital calendar for each child (such as google calendar) so you don't forget school events, speciall occasions, know what everyone is doing each day.

It will take time for everyone to adjust. Take it step by step.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Sat 15-Dec-12 12:43:47

Nobody is blaming you because you're a man. Posters, including me, are just saying it's not a good idea to get into a relationship with Jen so soon after the break up of your marriage. Yes, it's hard but you have to concentrate on your children and provide them with stability and make them feel secure.

Reassure your children that Jen is just a friend who is helping out. Make it clear to Jen that right now, for the sake of your children, you can offer nothing more than friendship.

ImperialSantaKnickers Sat 15-Dec-12 12:45:16

Craigy I doubt very much your two hyper children are suffering from a disorder, if the behaviour has come on since your wife left, it will be to do with that.

Have you spoken with schools, gps etc about the situation?

At the moment you're all in limbo, none of you know if your wife is coming back, no wonder everyone's stressed.

Practically speaking, if you can afford it get a nanny.

Then find your wife and talk to her.

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