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To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

(211 Posts)
Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:04:24

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happeningsad

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 13-Dec-12 21:34:02

And whilst your husband put you under pressure to live there, what was your solution? It sounds like SIL was your only choice. It is temporary and i think you are whining about silly things. At the same time SIL and BIL should still be spending time with their DDs after school.

hermioneweasley Thu 13-Dec-12 21:35:10

Ok, maybe she is being a bit precious but after working all day perhaps she needs to retreat for some sanctuary if she can't relax in the rest of the house. Also, give, that you have no idea when you are moving back out, perhaps she doesn't want it to be too comfortable for you.

Other option - you could get a job and rent a place.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull Thu 13-Dec-12 21:35:10

I feel for you OP. I would wither and die in your situation.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Thu 13-Dec-12 21:35:18

What is your DH doing to help? Also, they may not have realised that the heating is off and you are there. If it's on a timer, they might just not have thought about it.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Thu 13-Dec-12 21:36:36

Honestly this set up is completely fair. They are doing you a huge favour a bit of childcare is the least you could do.

If you are desperate for a break take one of the children with you to your mums for a night. But really getting four kids to school and then helping them with their homework in the evening is not that hard.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Thu 13-Dec-12 21:36:51

Just hang in there and repeat "This too shall pass" and hopefully the builders will be finished soon. It must be stressful for all of you, and I can see why you feel "put upon" but it's not forever, and you are more than "paying your ways" in kind rather than in actual cash, which it sounds like is tight for you and your family. SiL is probably taking a bit of advantage, but equally, she is helping you out, so it's 6 of one so to speak.
Just bite your tongue and look forward to getting back into your own home - hopefully by Christmas.
I would probably ignore my neices/nephews and let them run riot while I supervised my own children's homework btw wink

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:37:05

I agree about the heating. Far too cold for a non heated house atm. Put the heating on, it might the situation more bearable.

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:37:09

drjohnsoncat I'm not turning it into a working versus not working thing it's just what most posts seem to be implying but presumably if you are working outside the home you have childcare in place and don't expect someone else to do it, I'm more than happy to help out but surely as a mum you don't expect others to do everything for you kids because you are doing them a favour, which as I mentioned earlier we did for them prior to us having kids

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 13-Dec-12 21:37:11

Unless she's living in a very poorly insulated house there is no need for heating in the day. Mine is on for two hours an evening. Mumsnet has become quite wimpy about the cold.

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:38:20

The mulled wine is really messing with my spelling and grammer .. apologies.

Narked Thu 13-Dec-12 21:39:02

'I'm getting really stressed and tired'

'I'm on the edge of tears most days'

That's not ok. If you're feeling like that, something needs to change. It's also been in the minuses temperature wise lately, so no heating during the day is not ok.

I think you need to talk to your DH. You've done things his way. Enough. It's time to go home. Builders aren't going to hurry when you've moved out. They will stretch the work out. I'd get round there in the day to check they're actually working out how things are going and remind the you're back in next week.

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:39:22

I disagree Tiny. Our boiler has only just been fixed and it was freezing without heating.

drjohnsonscat Thu 13-Dec-12 21:43:10

Well how are you prepared to contribute then? Regardless of what their normal arrangements are, your presence is making for a very crowded house and you should be looking for ways to make things nice for them in return. But I agree with the posters who are asking about the other two adults in the house.

honeytea Thu 13-Dec-12 21:43:37

Do all the other adults work full time? if the kids are home from 3 and go to bed at 8 with maybe an hour or 2 in the morning you are only really doing 6-7 hours work.

Why don't you do a little christmas craft each evening to calm the kids down, you might enjoy it!

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 13-Dec-12 21:44:09

Yeah, it should definitely be on for a bit each day, which it sounds like SILs is. Our boiler broke last christmas for 2 weeks and it was ridiculously cold, but i don't see the need for her to have it on in the day unless she is sat in a vest and shorts. Mine has been off since 7 and i am wearing leggings and jumper, perfectly warm, toasty laptop knees.

It's okay to run up your own heating bill but not someone else's.

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:44:53

Okay guess the overwhelming sentiment is SAHM deserve to be treated like crap! My SIL works part time and spends no time with her kids I helped out even before we moved here for two weeks, but the fact I'm not bringing in money makes me less of a person isn't that sexist!

CaptainVonTrapp Thu 13-Dec-12 21:46:01

Its not been more than -2 here today so if its a big/old house it will be freezing at the moment. You're going to have to do your bit but that shouldn't include sub zero working conditions.

And if you're both paying for and cooking a meal for everyone, and doing all the school runs, I'd be drawing the line at homework.

Hope your house is finished soon.

drjohnsonscat Thu 13-Dec-12 21:46:57

Oh god. You can stay at home as much as you like. But you are not at home. You are in someone else's home. So be a nice guest not a spoilt whiner.

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull Thu 13-Dec-12 21:47:16

Don't lump me in with the "SAHM deserve to be treated like crap" contingent please OP. You haven't said anything about what your "D" H is doing to help you though.

Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:48:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

spookysal Thu 13-Dec-12 21:48:23

If she's PT then maybe you are not being unreasonable. How many hours does she work a day?

If she is also at home at home for a lot of the day then she should be sharing the childcare/housework with you.

That said, if you are only there for a couple more weeks is it worth rocking the boat? Ask yourself if can grin and bear it just a bit longer. If not speak to your DH and see if he will help pout before involving SIL

ginmakesitallok Thu 13-Dec-12 21:48:49

No - I think overwhelming sentiment is that if you are living there rent free for a short time the least you can do is help out in other ways. If you were sitting on your arse all day doing nothing while everyone else was working then that would make you less of a person....

hugoagogo Thu 13-Dec-12 21:49:03

I really feel for you, just staying in someone else's house for a day or two would drive me round the bend.

I wonder if your dh has made some sort of deal with his sister re you taking over childcare, so she can save cash or do some overtime and she thinks you know the score?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Thu 13-Dec-12 21:50:56

As a non working parent I think if you didn't do it you are being lazy . don't use working parents not agreeing with you as a reason to get all huffy hen you are in the wrong .

CaptainVonTrapp Thu 13-Dec-12 21:51:09

A fair suggestion from the OP honeytea! Or were you joking?

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