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father of 7 month old twins has left us

(87 Posts)
Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:13:41

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?


marriedandwreathedinholly Thu 13-Dec-12 23:04:40

What support do you have from your parents? Do you have any money of your own? If he's a City professional, get yourself plugged into good lawyers like Farrars or Wright Son & Pepper. Worth the fees to ensure your twins get the security they deserve later on.

TheSecondComing Thu 13-Dec-12 23:02:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Dec-12 22:53:27

I have twins and a cleaner! If your house was immaculate with 7mo twins if be worried about your mental health ;)

Take deep breaths and get legal advice - even if he says he wants youback, it should be on your terms... But them i'm a bitch of a wife - child birth and carrying twins has given me this right lol

Kiwiinkits Thu 13-Dec-12 22:11:50

He's a narcissist.

Paradisefound Thu 13-Dec-12 12:51:34

Get advice now, don't wait. Record any abusive calls, emails, keep a record of what he says. It's emotional and financial abuse. Best of luck!

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Thu 13-Dec-12 12:12:15

I left a man like this nearly a year and a half ago. Everything was my fault, he told me he was 'telling me about myself for my own good'. Swore at me, withheld affection - said he would not hug me/kiss me until he could see I was trying to change. All of it was supposedly for my own good. He belittled my PND and threatened to call SS and get custody if I left him as said my depression made me an unfit mother. He belittled my friends, my job, my family until I was a shell of myself.

I am still healing from this experience and will find it very hard to trust again. He still tries to control me now, but I am much stronger and stand up for myself. Get out of this now for your own sanity and more importantly for your child. He won't change. My ex has very narcissistic traits and it sounds like yours does too. You will never be good enough for him and he sees you as a reflection of him not a person in your own right so you will never win. The goal posts of how you should 'be' and 'behave' will be unattainable. You will set a terrible example to your child and possibly they will end up repeating this kind of relationship themselves. Go and see a solicitor today. You are in a fortunate position that he's a very high earner and you will be able to live life as a single parent without financial pressure. Honestly I could have written this post myself a year and a half ago and splitting up was the best choice for all of us - especially DD.

SarahWarahWoo Thu 13-Dec-12 12:03:03

Take him up on the offer of 50% custody and enjoy the time that you will get for yourself, take legal advice about finances, get everything in writing and stop giving his family any thought. Then when emotions are settled and life in on an even keel think about your future and if you want him in it.

LessMissAbs Thu 13-Dec-12 11:35:12

You sound uncertain about ending the relationship, Why are you asking him to go for a drink with you and not making an appointment to see a solicitor? You don't sound as if you want the relationship to end.

Why did you have children with him? Was he different before you had children? How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Its all very toxic. I think you need to distance yourself and make all future contact formal and through a solicitor.

Am also confused about you being on maternity leave from your own business.

TwelveLeggedWalk Thu 13-Dec-12 10:31:01

Good to hear you sounding stronger.

All these incidences of him choosing not to have the kids so he can play football, write it all down in a diary. That togehter with his refusal to help during the early days, and his long hours, can really really not help his case for custody. But you need to arm yourself properly by keeping records, as far back as you can remember.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Thu 13-Dec-12 08:56:35

You don't want this bastard back. He has done you a massive favour in leaving. Sing, dance and laugh your way to a solicitor's office and get shot of him asap. Your babies will be fine, they have you.

Daisy3700 Thu 13-Dec-12 08:43:57

Thank you all for your helpful advice. I've been told exactly the same thing by my friends. I guess I've just been a bit desperate for him to morph into a nice person and step up to his responsibilities.

I stopped crying about him over a week ago, and the house is a lot calmer without him here (and just as tidy!!). It's taken me two months to pull myself together to even start thinking about the future without him, and these comments have helped me tremendously.

I've been looking after the boys when he is supposed to have them so that he can go to football and have nights out with his friends. I agree because I love my babies and want them at home. I am being used in every sense of the word. I've never been this weak before.

I went to see a counsellor who suggested I might be suffering from battered wife syndrome. This situation has been going on way too long, and it's going to take guts to break the cycle, but he just might start of the babies next (he has already discussed expected levels of homework input and discipline and they are only tiny little things).

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 13-Dec-12 06:21:10

So you learn to cook and clean to his standards, you've made your groveling apology to his family. 5 years down the line, the twins draw on the walls, fill the toilet with loo roll, mess the beds up and tip the toy box over, At the exact moment he walks through the door. As your clearing it up, the dinner burns.....

What then, he leaves and it's all your fault for not living upto your promises!?
Dust yourself down, speak to a solicitor (like others have said knowledge is power even if you do nothing with it).

JeezyOrangePips Thu 13-Dec-12 06:16:22

Daisy, this man is abusive - emotionally and financially.

This is not a man you should be in a relationship with - he is NEVER going to treat you well.

You need to follow the advice already posted. And you need to stop allowing him to have sex with you. He is using you.

He is taking total control of the situation with his demands and threats and his pretending that he'll come back if you turn into a Stepford wife. He doesn't love you. Love isn't what he is offering. You wouldn't treat an employee like that never mind someone you live.

You need to start regaining control. See a solicitor. Now.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Thu 13-Dec-12 06:13:01

You want him to come back? Why? he sounds horrible! Just really horrible.

Why do you want to invite that back?

Isn't he doing you enough damage from afar? sad

He's awful. He's treating you like shit and you're on your knees pleading with him to come home.

Please take a step back and look at him. Look at how he's treating you.

There's no happy ever after here.

Mimishimi Thu 13-Dec-12 06:08:29

How are you on maternity leave if you have your own business or was that something that you have had on the side? Were you possibly placing any pressure on him to financially bail you out of that?

I don't understand why you would want to continue the relationship if things are as bad as you say with the swearing and list of demands. It does sound as though he is quite hurt about how his family was treated. From his perspective, and theirs, they were trying to help you and were probably excited about the arrival. Family help with housework in the first few months after giving birth was incredibly helpful for us (and we didn't have twins!) but it does sound like you rather scared them away. Your first priority should be to get legal advice because your relationship status (partnered, not married) might affect any outcome particularly if you had not been together very long before the pregnancy. Except with strict regards to the children's handovers, I would not be contacting him at all to be honest.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 13-Dec-12 05:27:03

loverlyladurlee That was an exceptionally twatty comment, are you always so wise? hmm

sashh Thu 13-Dec-12 05:16:30

This man is a bully and abusing you, he is doing it verbally and financially.

At the moment you just want your 'perfect family', but in reallity he wants a slave. He has screwed your head into thinking you need him. You don't, and your children don't either.

You need lagal advice, you should get legal aid. You also need to look nto claiming benefits and the CSA - or what ever it is called now.

Is the house in joint names? If so 'sever the tennancy' - this means that you get half the house each rather than share it.

Sorry, youu have a lot to deal with but your relatinoship is over. It was over when he was complaining about housework when you were pregnant and he was quite capable of doing it.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 00:01:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheresmypopcorn Wed 12-Dec-12 23:46:43

'Had some offers already' mmmm, if you take his word for it. He sounds awful. My ex used to be a relationship bully, to be honest it was just covering up his insecurity. his ego was huge, his equipment not so much ;)

JockTamsonsBairns Wed 12-Dec-12 23:28:39

I cannot stand this guy, and I only heard of him for the first time five minutes ago. I can't understand this talk of you begging him to come home, and asking him to come out for a drink with you - are you saying that you are prepared to overlook the fact that he's an abusive, mysoginistic bully? He is telling you that he doesn't feel the need to change or compromise, and you are not listening to him.

Also, why would the outcome of other peoples' relationship problems be of any relevance to you and your situation? Everybody's different, with their own unique set of experiences - it bears no relation to you.

jumpingjane Wed 12-Dec-12 23:22:25

Poor you. He really sounds like a disgusting specimen.
It seems that you haven't yet come to terms with him leaving.
Please stop inviting him for drinks, begging him to come back, etc
It is all just giving him the green light to be an ever more unpleasant bully.
If he does come back, this whole cycle will only start again after a short break.

As everyone has already said, see a good solicitor asap.
Get advice that you can from the CAB re benefits.
Contact the counsellor and ask if she would keep her notes/ write down her recollection of the meeting.
Do not engage in emails/ text messages at all until you have had legal advice- he obviously knows what he is doing here.
Do not engage with his family. They are supporting him fully from what you have written.
Accept and seek out as much support and help as you can from family/ friends as you can.
Good luck.

FlojoHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 23:07:45

Some of the advice on here re benefits is quite misguided. You will be entitled to income support and child tax credit and while u are on maternity leave you are entitled to working tax credit, which also pay 70% of your childcare. As well as council tax and child benefit.
You need to take a step back and try and see this from the outside and ask yourself why u want him to come home and what does he offer you that is so fantastic that you are begging him to return?

whois Wed 12-Dec-12 23:05:08

Stop engaging with him AND GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!!!!!

foreverondiet Wed 12-Dec-12 22:54:57

He is being abusive and controlling, and unless he can get some help to change then you shouldn't consider taking him back - unacceptable to be verbally abused like that EVER.

If he is earning £250k in the city and you have 2 small babies (or heavily pregnant) then you shouldn't be doing housework - he should be paying a cleaner. re: the cooking - he is being total twat.

He is presumably working long hours and doesn't have much experience of looking after small babies, so the chances of him getting 50/50 custody are very slim.

Someone in the thread mentioned cocaine habit - def worth discussing with lawyer and getting him to do a hair test before you allow any unsupervised contact with the babies, even if just for a couple of hours (nb hair tests, unlike urine can't be easily cheated). Also if it shows up anything with totally decimate his chances of any sort of custody.

I think you need to speak to a lawyer ASAP.

ImperialSantaKnickers Wed 12-Dec-12 22:38:52

I've been dumped while pregnant with twins. Negotiation didn't work. A good solicitor did. We have now created a life that works for all four of us, dds have a fantastic relationship with their dad and he and I actually get on rather well these days... (YEARS later)

Best wishes and very unmnetty hugs.

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