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father of 7 month old twins has left us

(87 Posts)
Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:13:41

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?


Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:22:30

I've held off so far because I was hoping he would come home, but I asked him today if he would like to come out for a drink with me and it was met with a very long silence followed by 'are you f@cking joking? you haven't shown me that you have changed.' He also has a bee in his bonnet about spending a night under the same roof as me. His mother said it's because he is afraid I will call the police if we have another argument, but if he wants to (and he has indicated that he does want to) come home then I can't understand why he is afraid to stay in our house overnight.

cuillereasoupe Wed 12-Dec-12 21:25:12

Even if he did have an AS diagnosis that wouldn't justify him behaving like a complete bullying twat.

thenightsky Wed 12-Dec-12 21:29:31

He's not 'afraid' of spending the night with you. Its all part of his control plan.

Fucking Arse.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 12-Dec-12 21:33:47


Carers allowance is paid to people who care for a person in recept of disability living allowance.

The op will be entitled to income support, child tax credits, at least 20% of his income in undeclarable maintainance.

He has been on the csa website and picked overnight amounts that reduce his maintainance liability.

All it needs is for her to make it hard for him without being obvious,

Op he is taking you for a ride,keeping you hanging on chances are because he knows without you being willing or giving into him whilst the twins are under 1 he has no hope of getting a court to do what he wants unless you have already been going along with it. He is stringing you along playing on your hopes

Stop letting hi, because he will disengage as soon as he has what he wants and you will be fucked over

LightHousekeeping Wed 12-Dec-12 21:36:34

I don't understand. Why are you asking him to come home and discussing it with his mum? Don't you want shot of him?

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Wed 12-Dec-12 21:42:53

I am struggling to see ANYTHING AT ALL in your posts that says this man is worth it.

TwelveLeggedWalk Wed 12-Dec-12 21:43:38

Seriously love, you don't want him home. You don't want or deserve to be treated like this. YOU don't want your twins to see their mother treated like this.
You are a great mum, you've raised two children, you'll raise two more.
You had a business, you can build one up again.
BUt you can't do any of it with this awful awful person in your life.
Do you have any of his/joint paperwork in the house? Go through it. copy everything relating to his income/expenses you can find, then hide the copies (or give them straight to the lawyer you'er going to get asap).
Ditto hide the babies' birth certiicates and passports if they have them.
Tomorrow, start finding a lawyer.
Make an appointment with your doctor and explain the whole situation to them.
Stop stop stop thinking you want him back, asking him to come back, planning for him to be back. Just stop. You are so so better off without him.

AlbertaCampion Wed 12-Dec-12 21:47:47

sockreturningpixie - a carer's allowance, not Carer's Allowance. Two different things. Doesn't tend to come up very often on these boards, because most cases don't involve high earners!

SamuelWestsMistress Wed 12-Dec-12 21:54:08

He's not a man. A real man wouldn't treat his wife and children like this.

I desperately hope you can follow the good advice on this thread. Keep strong and take no shit from this pathetic scrotum.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 12-Dec-12 21:55:48

Sorry I didn't realise you ment via the courts.

EuroShagmore Wed 12-Dec-12 22:00:13

Does this twat have any redeeming features?

Please stop begging him to come home and asking him out for drinks. You are giving him all the power, which is exactly what he wants.

See a solicitor, asap.

midori1999 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:31:15

Good god! The man is an absolute twat and he has done you a favour by moving out. Do you really want to be with someone who is so selfish and nasty? Not to mention abusive and controlling.

Please see a solicitor ASAP.

ImperialSantaKnickers Wed 12-Dec-12 22:38:52

I've been dumped while pregnant with twins. Negotiation didn't work. A good solicitor did. We have now created a life that works for all four of us, dds have a fantastic relationship with their dad and he and I actually get on rather well these days... (YEARS later)

Best wishes and very unmnetty hugs.

foreverondiet Wed 12-Dec-12 22:54:57

He is being abusive and controlling, and unless he can get some help to change then you shouldn't consider taking him back - unacceptable to be verbally abused like that EVER.

If he is earning £250k in the city and you have 2 small babies (or heavily pregnant) then you shouldn't be doing housework - he should be paying a cleaner. re: the cooking - he is being total twat.

He is presumably working long hours and doesn't have much experience of looking after small babies, so the chances of him getting 50/50 custody are very slim.

Someone in the thread mentioned cocaine habit - def worth discussing with lawyer and getting him to do a hair test before you allow any unsupervised contact with the babies, even if just for a couple of hours (nb hair tests, unlike urine can't be easily cheated). Also if it shows up anything with totally decimate his chances of any sort of custody.

I think you need to speak to a lawyer ASAP.

whois Wed 12-Dec-12 23:05:08

Stop engaging with him AND GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!!!!!

FlojoHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 23:07:45

Some of the advice on here re benefits is quite misguided. You will be entitled to income support and child tax credit and while u are on maternity leave you are entitled to working tax credit, which also pay 70% of your childcare. As well as council tax and child benefit.
You need to take a step back and try and see this from the outside and ask yourself why u want him to come home and what does he offer you that is so fantastic that you are begging him to return?

jumpingjane Wed 12-Dec-12 23:22:25

Poor you. He really sounds like a disgusting specimen.
It seems that you haven't yet come to terms with him leaving.
Please stop inviting him for drinks, begging him to come back, etc
It is all just giving him the green light to be an ever more unpleasant bully.
If he does come back, this whole cycle will only start again after a short break.

As everyone has already said, see a good solicitor asap.
Get advice that you can from the CAB re benefits.
Contact the counsellor and ask if she would keep her notes/ write down her recollection of the meeting.
Do not engage in emails/ text messages at all until you have had legal advice- he obviously knows what he is doing here.
Do not engage with his family. They are supporting him fully from what you have written.
Accept and seek out as much support and help as you can from family/ friends as you can.
Good luck.

JockTamsonsBairns Wed 12-Dec-12 23:28:39

I cannot stand this guy, and I only heard of him for the first time five minutes ago. I can't understand this talk of you begging him to come home, and asking him to come out for a drink with you - are you saying that you are prepared to overlook the fact that he's an abusive, mysoginistic bully? He is telling you that he doesn't feel the need to change or compromise, and you are not listening to him.

Also, why would the outcome of other peoples' relationship problems be of any relevance to you and your situation? Everybody's different, with their own unique set of experiences - it bears no relation to you.

Wheresmypopcorn Wed 12-Dec-12 23:46:43

'Had some offers already' mmmm, if you take his word for it. He sounds awful. My ex used to be a relationship bully, to be honest it was just covering up his insecurity. his ego was huge, his equipment not so much ;)

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Thu 13-Dec-12 00:01:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh Thu 13-Dec-12 05:16:30

This man is a bully and abusing you, he is doing it verbally and financially.

At the moment you just want your 'perfect family', but in reallity he wants a slave. He has screwed your head into thinking you need him. You don't, and your children don't either.

You need lagal advice, you should get legal aid. You also need to look nto claiming benefits and the CSA - or what ever it is called now.

Is the house in joint names? If so 'sever the tennancy' - this means that you get half the house each rather than share it.

Sorry, youu have a lot to deal with but your relatinoship is over. It was over when he was complaining about housework when you were pregnant and he was quite capable of doing it.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 13-Dec-12 05:27:03

loverlyladurlee That was an exceptionally twatty comment, are you always so wise? hmm

Mimishimi Thu 13-Dec-12 06:08:29

How are you on maternity leave if you have your own business or was that something that you have had on the side? Were you possibly placing any pressure on him to financially bail you out of that?

I don't understand why you would want to continue the relationship if things are as bad as you say with the swearing and list of demands. It does sound as though he is quite hurt about how his family was treated. From his perspective, and theirs, they were trying to help you and were probably excited about the arrival. Family help with housework in the first few months after giving birth was incredibly helpful for us (and we didn't have twins!) but it does sound like you rather scared them away. Your first priority should be to get legal advice because your relationship status (partnered, not married) might affect any outcome particularly if you had not been together very long before the pregnancy. Except with strict regards to the children's handovers, I would not be contacting him at all to be honest.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Thu 13-Dec-12 06:13:01

You want him to come back? Why? he sounds horrible! Just really horrible.

Why do you want to invite that back?

Isn't he doing you enough damage from afar? sad

He's awful. He's treating you like shit and you're on your knees pleading with him to come home.

Please take a step back and look at him. Look at how he's treating you.

There's no happy ever after here.

JeezyOrangePips Thu 13-Dec-12 06:16:22

Daisy, this man is abusive - emotionally and financially.

This is not a man you should be in a relationship with - he is NEVER going to treat you well.

You need to follow the advice already posted. And you need to stop allowing him to have sex with you. He is using you.

He is taking total control of the situation with his demands and threats and his pretending that he'll come back if you turn into a Stepford wife. He doesn't love you. Love isn't what he is offering. You wouldn't treat an employee like that never mind someone you live.

You need to start regaining control. See a solicitor. Now.

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