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What'd the AIBU way of dealing with this mildly irritating behaviour? Pushy PFB Parent...

(17 Posts)
ViviPru Wed 12-Dec-12 17:03:49

My best friend and his wife are loving life with their 22m/o PFB. It's great seeing them thrive.

What is less lovely though, is the way in which my best friend regularly eulogises to me about how wonderful it is to be a parent. In isolation, they're just harmless comments, but after a while they have started to become tiresome. Lately it's become a constant stream of "Oh DD is amazing. She's the funniest person I know" ok so not too bad - she IS great! Then "having kids is just the BEST thing you can do" not too bad either. "I have no idea what on earth we ever used to do before we had DD" Great! I'm happy for you! I've lost count of the amount of times I get told that "Having kids is the BEST, Vivi, seriously, it really is" but really pointedly. I'm not being sensitive - we've been best friends for over 10 years and I know these statements are extremely loaded. I generally just smile sweetly and compliment his DD whenever he says this stuff. I have told him in the past that we'll have kids when the time is right for us. I have many other friends with kids who don't feel the need to push these opinions on me.

DP and I have discussed potentially TTC after our wedding next May. It's not something we wish to discuss with anyone else. I think what annoys me most is that for all my BF knows, we could have fertility issues, or have suffered miscarriages, and yet he still insists on rhapsodising in this extremely pushy way. I know ostensibly he has found great happiness in parenthood and is probably subconsciously trying to promote this marvellous way of life to me, without malice. But I think it is somewhat insensitive and naive.

The other day, while he was generalising in not so many words that a life with children is so much better than without, I almost snapped and said "that's nice for you - it's a good job I'm not struggling to try to conceive or I might have found what you just said a bit difficult to swallow". I bit my tongue though, it's not worth falling out over.

I found myself wondering what would AIBU say?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 17:10:20

I assume that, being a man, he has not had; a difficult birth; a CS; a tear; cracked nipples; post-natal depression; post-natal psychosis; incontinence; constant overnight feeds; a loss of work and/or identity; mastitis; a prolapse? Not saying everyone gets all or even some of those but I'd probably be waxing lyrical if I had the experience of child-rearing that some people seem to get away with.

YANBU.

AnnaRack Wed 12-Dec-12 17:12:57

Life with a toddler is all consuming and that's probably all they have to talk about! It can get boring to listen to though. Also, it' s none of their business whether you are trying for DCs or not. Tell them (politely) to mind their own business, they probably dont realise the effect its having on you because they're so wrapped up in their DD.

Fakebook Wed 12-Dec-12 17:16:21

I don't really think there is anything you can say really. I had the exact same problem with a friend who had a baby 3 years after me. Every conversation would be about her son and it got tiresome. I don't meet her anymore.
I guess some people really really love parenthood or they're lost in a little parent bubble or something!

I have 2 dc and I never talk about them when meeting friends. conversations only ever go in that direction when they specifically ask me about them.

ViviPru Wed 12-Dec-12 17:17:47

That's interesting, MrsT, funnily his wife (also a very good friend - who went through the EMCS, potentially fatal loss of blood and stint in ICU) while adoring of her DD is less vociferous about how having a baby is the most rapturous experience one could have...

Oddly, they're not really baby bores in general, they're probably the least guilty of that of all our friends - it's just the way my BF often makes these little pushy comments to me that grates.... I think he's just desperate keen for us to join the parent club and doesn't realise how annoying it is!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 12-Dec-12 17:20:11

Very interesting ViviPru. grin For my personal amusement, were they also both 'pregnant' according to him? Did he have views on what kind of birth 'they' were going to have? Just checking if these things correlate...

alibalibees Wed 12-Dec-12 17:22:33

Sorry I don't understand why you are posting this on a parenting forum or even reading a parenting forum if child talk from your best friend is so unacceptable. Be happy for him that he is enjoying parent hood so much.

ViviPru Wed 12-Dec-12 17:24:00

Are you for real ali? Ah sorry, you just didn't read what I wrote.

NorksAreTinselly Wed 12-Dec-12 17:24:43

ali did you mean to sound so rude? shock

HollyBerryBush Wed 12-Dec-12 17:24:51

I'm afraid most people are baby bores.

Whilst it would be nice if everyone were mindful of other peoples feelings, the world does not stop revolving; fertile couples wont stop having babies for fear of upsetting infertile people.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Wed 12-Dec-12 17:28:39

You can say something. I did.

I have a male friend who is blissfully single. A mutual friend of ours keeps telling him that he is not actual happy as he won't know true happiness untill he has kids etc.

I told mutual friend he sounded like a twat. That our friend right now was happy sleeping in and doing as he pleases and that might change in the future, but for now let it go as friend was fed up of hearing how he couldn't possibly be actaully happy.

I said this infront of friend who laughed and said he wished he had piped up first. Mutual friend took the point on borad well. But thats how we are wioth eachother.

You can say something but you may not get away with 'god you are a twat, shut the fuck up. for god sake' grin

ViviPru Wed 12-Dec-12 17:29:35

I don't think he is a baby bore Holly. I like chatting about his DD - she is great. We also talk about loads of other stuff. The crux of my AIBU are these pointed comments and pushiness.

badbelinda Wed 12-Dec-12 17:29:59

Maybe he's actually having a really crap time of it and is just going on about it to try and convince himself that they've done the right thing.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Wed 12-Dec-12 17:30:00

I think what annoys me most is that for all my BF knows, we could have fertility issues, or have suffered miscarriages, and yet he still insists on rhapsodising in this extremely pushy way.

perhaps he assumes, as he is your bf, you would have told him if there were any issues.

AngelOne Wed 12-Dec-12 17:30:21

God I'd deck him.

I remember a couple like this in my early 20s when no one else had kids. They'd spend entire nights out trying to convince everyone else that they must HAVE KIDS NOW.

Looking back I think they were massively insecure and because their child free friends were always going out together, going on holiday together and generally having fun, and they felt like they were missing out and growing apart from their friends.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Wed 12-Dec-12 17:33:18

Is he protesting too much, vivi? Trying to convince himself that parenting is a breeze when in reality he's struggling?

Even if not, the implication might be enough to make him back off wink

ViviPru Wed 12-Dec-12 17:33:55

I have thought that, brady, you probably have a point.

Also Angel I do think a part of it is that they just want us to hurry up and Be Like Them. Not because they're insecure or having a crap time though, but genuinely because he thinks Being Like Them is just so fantastically amazing!

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