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DH spending our joint money on his DCs

(451 Posts)
ilikelongnaps Wed 12-Dec-12 15:36:59

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

waltermittymistletoe Wed 12-Dec-12 15:39:29

Ask him why he thinks it's ok to spend more money on some of his children and not on others.

Ask him when he's going to repay it as it's not his money only.

Ask him what he's planning on buying for your dd for Christmas.

frootshoots Wed 12-Dec-12 15:39:58

It's both of your money, you have both contributed.

They are his children.

Where is the problem? And why have your own accounts plus a joint one?

narmada Wed 12-Dec-12 15:40:27

Before you tackle him, make sure he's not actually spent his money on a big present for you - now that would be embarrassing grin.

cantspel Wed 12-Dec-12 15:42:12

It is joint family money and his dd is part of the family so unless he is buying diamond encrusted shoes for her i dont see why he has to ask you first.

LIZS Wed 12-Dec-12 15:42:34

Surely when you married him you knew he had the sdds and he would need to support them too. If you had an agreed spending plan and he has gone above that fair enough but otherwise I think you need to express concern that your dd also needs specific things too and that you need to budget for all expenses, regardless of whose account it comes from.

Justforlaughs Wed 12-Dec-12 15:42:58

I'm a bit confused that you are buying seperately for your DD, is that normal? We buy our DCs present together, or at least pay for them together. I would also expect to pay for any other Christmas presents for anyone to come out of a joint account. He is your husband and they are your step daughters. I think you need to clarify exactly what this "joint" account is for.

QuacksForDoughnuts Wed 12-Dec-12 15:43:21

YANBU. Obviously you should accept that he needs to pay day-to-day expenses for his children and that a Christmas present from the two of you should be standard - but, and I say this suspecting that a few people will deduce otherwise from your post, I suspect you do already get this. But if it's luxuries for one family at the expense of necessities for the other, he needs reeling in a bit!

LRDtheFeministDude Wed 12-Dec-12 15:43:31

Talk to him about it.

If you are scrimping on things because you're on maternity leave (which is a shared family cost) and he is spending money on children (which are a shared family cost), that is not on.

I don't think it's fair to expect his children to be a private expense since you two are married. But it's also not right you should be scrimping when he isn't. If money is this tight you should both know how much the other is spending from the joint account.

laptopdancer Wed 12-Dec-12 15:43:48

I have always bought DS' gifts etc from my account only as well so it is relatively normal.

ENormaSnob Wed 12-Dec-12 15:43:52


I wouldn't be happy at all.

If you have seperate money (which I prefer btw) then you can't just dig into the joint account when you've spent your own.

curlypoo Wed 12-Dec-12 15:45:12

I think you are being completely unreasonable. Those other children are part of your family, that was your choice and they are your dds siblings.

hazleweatherfieldgirldetective Wed 12-Dec-12 15:46:09

Ordinarily, I'd agree with frootshoots, but in this case I don't.

He hasn't contributed ANYTHING towards your joint DD's christmas presents from his own 'spending money' account, but has allowed you to buy her presents exclusively with your spending money. He has bought his older daughters presents from his own spending money.

He has spent money that is presumably accounted for, out of the joint account, on frivolities that his girls from a previous relationship do not need (no one NEEDS McDonalds, no one NEEDS £30 spending on them in New Look a few weeks before christmas).

He has spent so much from this carefully budgeted joint account, that there is now little money left to feed and put nappies on his infant daughter.

He's a prize pillock.

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 12-Dec-12 15:46:10


I wouldn't expect him to be using 'joint' money for Christmas presents for his own children unless agreed in advance, and especially not when it means you don't have enough now.

laptopdancer Wed 12-Dec-12 15:47:01

It is just a matter of clarifying what the joint account is for. If you have felt it isnt for dipping into to by the kids' (any of them) gifts and he has, you need to determine what it Is for.

laptopdancer Wed 12-Dec-12 15:48:14

by? buy rather

runningforme Wed 12-Dec-12 15:50:01

I don't understand why you buy things for your kids from separate accounts?! They are all your children together and, as a family, the money should also be all yours all together. As such, it shouldn't matter where the money comes from and who it is spent on. It seems you have a 'them' and 'us' attitude which is VU

Floralnomad Wed 12-Dec-12 15:50:23

Surely his daughters are your step daughters and hence presents will be from you both so I can't see what your issue is . From what you read on here there are lots of problems with having my money / his money / our money , that's why we have a joint account only .

Allergictoironing Wed 12-Dec-12 15:53:58

Frootshoots read the OP, the joint account is for their own DD specifically. The problem is that where there is shared money then it should be spent on things that benefit both donors to the account, and anything else needs the agreement of both. In this case, the OP has ended up paying for her partner's children by a previous relationship to have better gifts than they can afford for her own.
Own accounts plus a joint one is pretty common e.g. where both work then each gets their salary paid into their own account, money is then transferred into the joint account then shared outgoings paid from that. Each person then has their own money to spend without having to justify it to the other, while (in theory) ensuring that there's enough money for the shared outgoings.

BridgetBidet Wed 12-Dec-12 15:54:28

Sorry, I'm finding this a bit hard to understand. Are you claiming that neither of you has any money after he has spent this cash. From you saying that you can't buy milk and nappies that would seem to possibly be the case. If so then YANBU and he shouldn't have left you broke by spending money on stuff for his other daughters.

If on the other hand what you actually mean is that the family has money elsewhere you can use to buy milk and nappies but you wanted to buy it from this particular account the YABU.

It's a bit hard to tell because if you genuinely can't buy essentials at all because he's spent this money then he shouldn't have done it. But on the other hand if that's not the case then you would just be begrudging him spending money on his other children which is not fair. You can't earmark a certain amount of money which is to be spent on your daughter only unless you are doing the same for the sdds.

EMS23 Wed 12-Dec-12 15:55:12

You're brave putting a step question in AIBU!!!

JugglingMeYorkiesAndNutRoast Wed 12-Dec-12 15:55:19

I think yes, talk with him about it and remind him that you both need to be sensible with money ATM, but I think generosity of spirit towards your DSD's and your DH would be a good approach too. They seem relatively modest sums and for a good cause to me ?

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 12-Dec-12 16:02:32

I think if this account is specifically just to buy things for your DD and you have agreed to each put a certain amount of money in it then yes he is BU. I personally don't think it is down to you to pay for stuff for his children. If you are close to them and want to then fine.

MerylStrop Wed 12-Dec-12 16:02:44

YANBU to be worrying about buying milk and nappies IF the money in the only account you have access to has been spent on treats

YANBU to expect him to budget better and communicate with you better about money

YABU to not consider your SD's presents etc not to be part of your family's expenditure

mercibucket Wed 12-Dec-12 16:03:02

I don't like the whole separate accounts thing in general but I see what you mean and yanbu

The joint account is a small amount of money to go towards household bills and essentials including essentials but not luxuries for dd?

Then you each have your own accounts to spend on yourselves, luxuries, presents etc?

So yes, he shouldn't be using the joint account for those purchases

It might be easier to sit down and talk through exactly what the joint account pays for etc. Also, if you are on mat leave, your contributions to the joint acc might need re-adjusting so you are both still paying in the same proportion of your salaries. Maybe the joint account should also cover presents for all the kids?

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