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to not invite father's partner to wedding?

(120 Posts)
josparkle Wed 12-Dec-12 12:03:11

Looking for some impartial perspective here as my father thinks thinks I'm unreasonable and I'm really not sure if I am.
Wedding is in very early stages of planning, have decided will be close friends and family, about 60 guests. I discussed with DF that we were not planning to invite his partner, he thinks this is unfair and was upset.

Background is that DF left DM for this woman 5 years ago after having an affair with her. She is a nice enough person and I get on okay with her but her being at ths wedding would be upsetting to DM, my grandparents and the rest of the extended family. My brother has never liked DF's new partner and finds it very difficult to be around them and DF due to the hurt the affair caused in the family.

DM has not had a relationship since DF.

There is no other family on my DF's side, so if his partner wasn't there he feels he'd be very alone and outnumbered by DM's side of my family.

I just think that not inviting.her would make for a better day as I wouldn't be worried about DM and brother being upset, am I being unreasonable?

EldritchCleavage Wed 12-Dec-12 13:36:38

To those who say your Father's partner broke up their marriage, I firmly believe that it couldn't have been broken if there weren't cracks in the first place

Ouch-not your place to say this, Dreaming, it really isn't. You're fortunate your parents kept things amicable, but the OP's parents haven't quite managed that, so your experience isn't really relevant, and relating it isn't especially sensitive to the OP's situation.

FredFredGeorge Wed 12-Dec-12 13:37:07

YANBU to decide to invite whoever you want.

However, I do think it's rude both to your father and his partner to not invite her, you appear to be showing no care as to your fathers feelings especially as you know you're hurting his, and haven't even discussed it with your mother.

allnewtaketwo Wed 12-Dec-12 13:37:43

"I would not invite her and would tell father that since she clearly has no respect for marriage you dont want her there"

But surely on that basis then the father shouldn't be invited either hmm

CaroleService Wed 12-Dec-12 13:42:37

Can you talk to her privately about it? She might surprise you and say she wouldn't like to risk disruption to your day and will stay at home with a good book.

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 13:44:42

Have only scanned through so sorry if I'm X-posting.

I would definitely have a chat with your mum and her side of the family.

Are you having an evening do that you could invite DF's partner to? That way the formal stuff needn't be affected by any dubious atmosphere and your Dad will have her company to enjoy in the evening when it is easier for everyone to mix and avoid if necessary.

FirstPersonPlural Wed 12-Dec-12 13:51:23

DF's partner didn't "break up the marriage" - DF did as he was the person in that dynamic who was married.

YellowTulips your post is spot-on and you gave very good advice.

OP, I hope you find a way to organise it all so that you feel confident and happy with your decisions.

Mumsyblouse Wed 12-Dec-12 13:52:16

The idea of screening anyone's morals before allowing them to come to your wedding is really odd to me. The divorce rate is high, and presumably the affair rate even higher. Who can really say they don't have one good friend or relative who has not at one time or another cheated? I have several good friends who have made unwise choices, for example, back in their twenties. I think continuing to berate people once their lives have moved on, when they have formed solid and long-lasting relationships, is sanctimonious in the extreme.

I don't think playing the role of the 'wronged partner' is a role for life. I would feel enormous sympathy for anyone cheated on, but I really really hope if my husband did that to me, I wouldn't expect my children and entire family to keep up a barrage of dislike for decades to the guilty parties.

My dad has now been with his 'other woman' for more than 16 years. It's the way the cookie crumbles. I expect my parents to both tolerate each other, and each other's partners (my mum has had more than one) over the years of weddings, funerals, family events.

SparkleSoiree Wed 12-Dec-12 13:53:34

I wouldn't put myself in the middle of ongoing 'issues'. Five years is a long time in family life and relationships break down, its a fact of life, unpleasant as it is.

I woud invite both, with a +1 each and it is down to them if they bring someone or not. For their daughter's day they should be able to behave in a civil manner and each parent would then happily be able to enjoy your happiness without feeling 'punished' in some way.

That's essentially what is happening to your father, he is being punished by your family by denying him the civil courtesy of bringing his long term partner to a family event, still.

CindySherman Wed 12-Dec-12 13:54:04

The Father has the affair so I don't see how he gets away with any moral superiority here confused

I would invite her. It would infer that your Mum is bitter and jealous after all these years and has not moved on if you don't.

Atthewelles Wed 12-Dec-12 13:58:42

It would be nice if you could please everyone but that's obviously not possible. Therefore I would put your mother's feelings first. She is more important in your life than your father's partner and your father should be able to see that it is a difficult situation and should not be making it even more difficult for you by sulking over this.

SantaWearsGreen Wed 12-Dec-12 14:00:51

I wouldn't invite her. Then again I am stubborn and I don't like cheaters. 5 years is a long time, it doesn't mean that it isn't still raw for Ops dm who I gather did love her df and was heartbroken.. of course she isn't going to want to spend the whole day in the same venue as the ow who was the reason her dh left her ffs.

It will just create a lot of negative energy that you don't want on 'the best day of your life'.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Wed 12-Dec-12 14:04:52

If your parents had split up and THEN he had met his new partner then I’d invite her even if your family weren’t keen. But I wouldn’t in these circumstances.

SomethingProfound Wed 12-Dec-12 14:06:28

OP I think before you make any decisions talk it over with your mum, it may not be as bigger issue as you think.

My parents split after 30 years together similar to your situation dad had an affair and left DM for his now DW. There have been many family occasions, graduations birthdays and engagements where both DF and DM have been invited my fathers DW is a bit loopy and refuses to let him attend alone but all three and extended family have managed to get through each occasion in a civil manner.

The likelihood is that they will have to be in the same room or at the same occasion at some point and I'm sure your DM knows this, if its to soon and she will find it painful fair enough, but an open and honest discussion about it before making any decisions may save you a lot of time, energy and hurt feelings.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Wed 12-Dec-12 14:07:12

I really, really feel for you OP.

I know all about parents' divorces/affairs/new partners from my own experience.

This is the legacy of infidelity and divorce. The ripples extend for years and years and years and impact the children the most - even when they are adults.

This is not fair on you. This is your big day (and I'm not in the bridezilla camp who thinks the bride must have her way on everything and be treated like a princess - I mean it should be a happy, relaxed day and be all about you and your partner getting married).

I would email both your parents and say something like 'I realise there is tension about my wedding regarding yourselves and whether OW comes - can you please, for me, sort this out between yourselves and come to a decision because I am finding it hugely stressful and upsetting'.

grovel Wed 12-Dec-12 14:10:13

Proudnscaryvirginmary, sound advice. Why should OP have to sort this out?

Whocansay Wed 12-Dec-12 14:32:04

I wouldn't invite her. It's going to be an emotional day all round and this can only cause problems. You want close family and she doesn't actually qualify anyway. If it was likely to make my mother too upset to enjoy the day, I just wouldn't bother.

And tbh, is the OW likely to want to come anyway?

Your dad has to suck it up. He ran off. He can deal with the fallout. Its a bit late for him to start playing Happy Families.

Fooso Wed 12-Dec-12 14:38:51

If I was DF's partner - and I thought my being there would cause you upset and potentially ruin your day then I would not want to go - maybe if your DF explains the situation she will understand.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 12-Dec-12 15:01:10

Personally, I wouldn't invite her and I'd expect DF to suck it up. If that meant he threw a tantrum and didn't come, so be it.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Wed 12-Dec-12 15:10:51

"To those who say your Father's partner broke up their marriage, I firmly believe that it couldn't have been broken if there weren't cracks in the first place

Ouch-not your place to say this, Dreaming, it really isn't. You're fortunate your parents kept things amicable, but the OP's parents haven't quite managed that, so your experience isn't really relevant, and relating it isn't especially sensitive to the OP's situation."

Eldritch - it's as much my place to say this as it is anyone else's to say that this woman broke up her parent's marriage. None of us knows the details, other than what the OP has told us - however Father had an affair, and ended up in a relationship with the woman; people don't do that if they are happy in their marriage, do they? Accepting this was how I was able to deal with my Mum having an affair and remain supportive and loyal to both my parents. It's awful that marriages break down, particularly after 28 years, which was only a couple of years more than my parent's, and I know how painful it is to all those concerned, even when things are amicable.

Her parent's have managed to be amicable as they have been in each other's company at the brother's graduation, which is great for the OP, but my view, which after all is what is asked for by the OP (not mine personally but everyone's), is that it is perhaps now time for the parties to go one step further in being civil to each other (for the sake of other people, i.e, the OP) considering that 5 years have now elapsed (although I do appreciate that there is no time limit on grieving for a relationship.) As the OP has said that ideally she would like the woman to be at the wedding, she should invite her and ask her Mum to respect her choice - she would appear to have been supportive to her Mum throughout these last 5 years and in my view it is now time for her Mum to return the favour. I certainly didn't mean to be insensitive to the OP, and apologise to her if my post came across that way. Whatever happens, I hope you have a wonderful wedding day. Many congratulations.

MrsMelons Wed 12-Dec-12 15:14:30

5 years is a long time and its not like it was a fling as they are still together but I can absolutely understand why everyone would be upset.

I think I would have to invite her as its just not right not to. We of course don't know the ins and outs of the relationship with your mum and dad and if your mum had a partner then would everyone be ok with it? If so then you should definitely invite her. If it was a few months since it happened then absolutely NOT!

MrsMelons Wed 12-Dec-12 15:16:48

Also to whoever said that she broke up the marriage - she absolutely didn't - her DF did that as he was the one in the marriage (and possibly her DM as we don't actually know the ins and outs of their relationship before that happened!)!! Men should be quite capable of remembering they are married even if there is another woman out there that shows them some attention!

Justforlaughs Wed 12-Dec-12 15:26:45

If you get on well with her, as you suggest, then I would have a quiet word and explain that you don't want any undercurrents at YOUR big day and you hope she understands that. I actually find it hard to believe that she would want to be there. I know that in her shoes, I wouldn't!

ENormaSnob Wed 12-Dec-12 15:30:01

If the marriage was in that much trouble the df could have left before putting his nob in someone else.

A marriage ending hurts.

An affair is deceitful, cruel, sly and hurts just as much if not more. It also has lasting repercussions.

MrsMelons Wed 12-Dec-12 15:33:17

ENormaSnob You are absolutely right but the DF should have ended it properly but the responsibility to do that was his - its unlikely he was forced to sleep with someone else.

Justfor laughs I am not sure I would want to be there in her position either. Maybe just the evening do invite for her is sufficient!

waltermittymistletoe Wed 12-Dec-12 15:34:13

The thing is, are you sure she wants to go?

Does she know your db doesn't like her? I wouldn't want to go in her position. I really, really wouldn't!

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