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Cut and run or suck it up?

(72 Posts)
fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:28

There's my tether and there's me a mile down the road! Brief background: involved with a man 9yrs separated who has 16yr old DD. ex shagged another guy and pissed off with all 4 of her kids (3 of whom he raised as his own) and took half his house with her in payout. In the past 18mths I have had nothing but shit for being with him. Bitchy texts to work colleagues slagging me off, nasty fb comments, listening to slanging matches about me while I <respect privacy> in another room and hear about how horrible I am for stealing him from his DD (from his DD). Tantrums about me moving in my much loved pet (now dead so not an issue to 'anyone') and for having the nerve to fall pregnant. (Died at 8wks pg so now not an issue to 'anyone').
Basically after months of shit and now feeling angry and resentful about it all, we had an argument about his Disney parenting/unsupportive attitude towards the issues I've had and his drop everything attitude when his DD decides to come hang out for the evening. It's her second home and I totally get she should be welcome anytime and this is not my AIBU question!
But I want space. I want to know if I can slob in my jamas and not expect company. I would be happy to have every other night a potential 'family night' or 'couples only night'. no exclusion, just to know!! on the other hand I am almost 40 and in the voice of Glenn Close 'it may be my last chance to have a baby!'
I am aware this sounds garbled but I've had wine and adrenaline is making my thumbs go funny!! It's not an angry angst ridden thread and most of me wants to laugh <hysteria> but seriously!! WTF? I love kids!! I have great visions of us shopping together and laughing at silly 'daddy' but I'm seriously thinking fuckit, get a flat for selfish ole meeeeee!!!!!!

expatinscotland Tue 11-Dec-12 22:44:17

I'd have a child on my own in your position.

fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:17

Well you're braver than me Expat!! grin I don't think he'd agree to another split family as I know it breaks his heart not raising his own daughter full time. I'm the child of a single mother too and I know how hard she worked! Love her to bits for it but jeez it was tough for her!!

fackinell Tue 11-Dec-12 23:53:46

Bump!! C'mon MN'ers!! I'm Christmas shopping tomorrow and could halve my expenses here with your words of wisdom!

WorraLorraTurkey Tue 11-Dec-12 23:57:58

I don't really understand the OP sorry [thick emoticon]

Who is slagging you off? His 16yr old DD?

Why can't you wear PJs when she comes round?

squeakytoy Wed 12-Dec-12 00:00:58

I dont really understand.. however if you are saying his daughter should make an appointment to visit her dads house, then that is wrong. She isnt "company" she is a main part of the family, or should be. So what if you are in your pyjamas.. she doesnt sleep in your bedroom does she?

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 12-Dec-12 00:01:24

Cut and run,the relationship is not for you

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:03:09

Worra, the 16yo, her brother, his wife and her mother. But mostly DP's DD and the exes D in L. The eldest boy belonging to his ExW has turned up drunk in the middle of the night hammering on the window too and shouting abuse.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:07:56

No Squeaky, not saying she should visit 'by appointment' but the fact that things get reported home means I can't relax when his DD is around and I don't feel comfortable in the home I pay half of everything in. I'd just like 'some' couple time instead of these impromptu visits. Maybe 2 out of 7 nights of just us. This is not acceptable to DP which is why I will be seeking my own space.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 12-Dec-12 00:10:01

OK perhaps we need to take this more slowly.

Why don't they like you? what has gone on to make them come to that conclusion?

How have they got your work colleague's phone numbers?

Why do you have them on your Facebook?

What was wrong with your pet that upset his DD so much?

Why can't you relax in your pyjamas when his DD comes home? (It's not a visit or 'company' btw)

And I hate to be pedantic but if his ex was paid out, she didn't take half of his house...she took her half. I know that's neither here nor there but it grates on me a bit blush

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:11:19

No it is not, Sock. You're right. I could have easily embraced the situation without any abuse but I tried hard and took it slow in the beginning and it hasn't got me anywhere. I tried 100% in the beginning but now it's been thrown in my face I can't be bothered..

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:34:07

from what I can gather there is no known reason why they don't like me. He has been part of this extended family unit all these yrs: christmas dinners with ex and new partner, socialising with her older kids, which I did not discourage. Hence why they were on my FB.

One of my colleagues was a mutual friend of the exW's DinL so had her no. anyway and has now deleted it as felt disloyal to me having been used as a stooge to say say where I was and when.

There was nothing wrong with my pet other than she wasn't 'consulted' about him moving in (her words). She has her own pet at her Dad's and I think it was simply a turf wars issue.

I can't relax in my pjs as I know everything I say and do is reported back to her DM/dSINl AND DB. I have evidence of this through various arguments I've overheard. Therefore I am not comfortable 'relaxing' in a home I pay half of.

RE. the visitors/company thing: I don't have an issue moving out as she has every right to be here over me. I'm just sick of being hated for no reason other than getting together with a single man and paying towards a household I feel watched in/no say on what goes on. I am not some kind of bitch but I will not feel bullied or intimidated by a teenage girl??

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 00:38:50

Also re the house, he paid everything while she raised three kids that were not his, for the full time they were together she did not work and he paid for food, clothing and holidays. That's why I feel she had no entitlement although legally of course she did. She left when their own child was very young and he has supported them ever since....

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 01:08:31

Anyway I'm probably being over sensitive because my baby should have been born in a couple of wks so it could be just general pissed offness and I AB totally U. I'm also super angry because his ex aborted several of his children as she couldn't be 'arsed' with any more! <bitter old hag emoticon> and probably a good helping of envy thanks for listening.

TinyDancingHoofer Wed 12-Dec-12 01:11:41

I don't understand the pj thing. Why does it matter if the ex and co. know you where pyjamas? I am sure they have all worn them at some point. Unless you are dancing around in ann summers pjs or going to work in them them i really don't understand the issue. And why do you care what the ex thinks of you anyway?

TinyDancingHoofer Wed 12-Dec-12 01:12:14


fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 01:40:46

Tiny, it's not that I care what the ex thinks, it's more that I don't feel relaxed enough to be seen at my scuzziest. The fact that they all dislike me makes me subconsciously want to be seen at my best (fot what it is). I don't think anyone could feel relaxed in a home when you know things are reported back, (face pack and all). This is not an AIBU to not want his daughter around thread it's an AIBU to want to leave because of my treatment thread. No matter how much I embrace the situation I don't see us ever in a place that I will feel comfortable. I know he's a father but we are also a couple. I just want an occasional evening where there's no will she/won't she be around. In my own space I know it's a no!! He is a father 100% to her and I would never discourage that. But what's wrong with wanting to be a couple sometimes?

squeakytoy Wed 12-Dec-12 01:56:46

do you never go out together as a couple?

how would you cope if the 16yo was living at your house fulltime?

my husbands ex hates me (we got together 10yrs after they split and a year after she had remarried so I was not involved in their split).

He had 3 teens when I met him, and they moved in with us.

If you are in a relationship with a man who has a child/children then you take on the full package..

GothAnneGeddes Wed 12-Dec-12 02:04:49

If he's letting everyone walk all over you, then he's no prize catch and if he hasn't intervened by now things are unlikely to get better no matter what you say to him.

You're only 18months in, I would bail out now, as things are unlikely to improve, or indeed how much longer do you want to sit around waiting for them to improve?

I'm very sorry to hear about your baby, however, I would think very hard indeed about bringing a child into such a disharmonious situation.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 12-Dec-12 02:21:52

Cut and run. You've persevered for 18 months, it is not going to change.

I completely get the unable-to-relax-in-my-own-home - and it is no way to live. Let him get on with his Disney-dadding, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, move out to your own space. You will feel so much better by the time a week is out.

You posted "I don't see us ever in a place that I will feel comfortable." So sorry, but neither do I sad.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:05:11

Squeaky, we rarely go out as a couple and if we do he always asks if he can ask his DD along (which does infuriate me as its a date ffs!!) he mostly claims to be broke (and isn't flush tbh) but has said no to me and yes to her in the space of one wk re a trip we both independently suggested. He's asked if she can come on holiday with us next year but we haven't had one on our own yet so I suggested a wk away for us and maybe a separate long wknd for all or just him and her (if she'd prefer it).

Re her staying permanently, that has been talked about and yes, I'd suck it up, but I did make it clear that Stropping to one's bedroom when asked to help tidy the kitchen after I've prepared a meal would not be acceptable (he asked, not me). Nor would interrupting a dinner party (he actually got up from the meal) to be driven a 10 minute walking distance with no notice. Disrespectful behaviour permanently would be unbearable.
She rarely can even sit in the same room as me alone and will often get up and leave the room if he does. I always greet her, ask after her family and make conversation but I generally get one word replies. She has asked to switch seats with her dad so she doesn't have to sit next to me. It's not full on rows all the time. More a steady stream of letting me know I'm a cuckoo in her nest.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:13:47

Thanks Goth. It was very sad and to make it worse, my cramps started during listening to a complete screaming match from the DD, doors slamming and both DP and I being ripped to bits verbally. Total coincidence,I know, but it made me angry that it happened at the same time (and on DPs birthday.)

He says I brought a lot of it on myself by blocking DD's family from FB after I heard they were bitching about me. Sorry, but I ain't giving anyone more bullets to fire at me. He completely avoids confrontation and just tells me to ignore it all.

fackinell Wed 12-Dec-12 08:22:11

Where, I'm tending towards your way of thinking but I really am not a quitter, hence looking for advice. I know she will be off to Uni soon but it's not about getting rid, it's about having a situation we all can live in and one where I feel welcome. I basically told him I was looking into a flat and he said if that's the way I feel it's probably best. All this because I came home knackered at 7pm to no tea made and a tip of a house. It was the 'I can't do anything for you but watch me put my coat on and run because DD wants picked up immediately) that tipped me overt the edge!! Yes that is BU on my part, but expecting some support and partnership isn't IMO.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 12-Dec-12 08:48:05

I say cut and run - he doesn't support you, or ever put your needs first and is actively allowing other people to walk all over you. You can do better. Don't stay with a man just to have a baby - you will be miserable in the long run and will feel even more trapped.

I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself the chance to meet someone who really makes you happy, not this kind of half arsed affair.

WhenAChildIsBawnTigga Wed 12-Dec-12 09:09:10

Run, run for the hills now, he isn't going to change and you can't live with a steady stream of abuse as it will ruin your self esteem.


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