Advanced search not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

(299 Posts)
havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 20:48:40

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments smile

havingastress Mon 07-Jan-13 19:28:25

schnapps - it's my silly DH who tells his mother! Basically, she demands to know on the phone and he gets all tongue tired and doesn't know what to say to her! Other than tell her.

She still hasn't made the effort to come up and visit.

They were due to come up last weekend, but she didn't want to leave her dog because he is poorly.

So she just barks from afar! ( I know right, easier to deal with her from a distance than up close smile )

SchnappsDamnYou Mon 07-Jan-13 19:17:23

Glad you survived Christmas. If the medical pros are happy with DD then all well. My baby used to go and long time between poos, he was BF so I don't know about FF babies but obviously your HV does.

Quite honestly I wouldn't tell MIL details of how much/when she feeds, poos etc. It is not something she needs to know and if she is going to undermine you as parents by offering her negative opinion and tuppence worth when she is not a medical professional or the baby's parent then it is just asking for trouble giving her information. Just say the HV and you, her parents are happy the baby is feeding, sleeping well with no cause for concern and if you did have any concerns you would of course go straight to the baby clinic. Calmly refuse to go into details of her poo and feeding and just repeat that it's fine, broken record technique.

TeenyW123 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:15:45

I'm a MiL who's had her grandson to stay from 2 weeks old. He's bottle fed so feeding wasn't a problem. I offered to have him from when he was born, but I was still surprised that I was allowed to look after him from such an early age. I can only assume my DiL was reassured with how I looked after him anyway from daytime visits, but to be honest she was just so knackered I think she appreciated the fact there was someone with the baby's best interests at heart who could look after him as well as she can. She missed him terribly at first, but now gets on with whatever she needs to do in the time I have him. I'm not saying you should give your MiL your baby to look after overnight. You should only do it if you have complete faith in her ability to look after her as well as you do.

It might be an idea for her to have her GD for a couple of hours during the day, but it doesn't sound as tho she's prepared to do the leg work. If that's the case then it's unlikely you'll ever feel comfortable. Listen to your heart; she's your baby.


50shadesofpink Mon 07-Jan-13 19:15:17

If I were you I'd just say no and I have done when my 'control freak' in laws asked me to leave my DD with them soon after she was born. I just said she is too young to be left with anyone and the next time they asked I just said no sorry I don't feel comfortable leaving her.

It's your baby so your say. Your mil has no right in pressurising you. As much as I love dogs I wouldn't leave my child in a house with them without me present.

MamaBear17 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:08:54

Just be honest and say that you couldn't even contemplate leaving your baby overnight with anyone at the moment. You are just getting into the swing of being a new mum and you want to be with the baby. There will be plenty of time for overnight visits with grandma when she is older. When my dd was 8 weeks old my hubby contracted a vomiting bug. Terrified that my PFB would get it I went to my mums house to get away from him. It was a Friday night and I was completely shattered - my dd had colic so screamed all day, and only slept for 1-2 hours at night at a time. My mum convinced me to leave my dd with her overnight and to go home and get some sleep. I did so, but still didnt sleep. It was hell, I just watched the clock until I could go and get her again. Even though I trust my mum more than anyone else in the world, I needed to be with my baby. My MIL didnt look after dd overnight until she was 11 1/2 months, and that was only because we went to a wedding 100 miles away and hubby was adamant we were going. I get on really well with my MIL and trust her completely, but still didnt want to leave dd. There is no logic to it, but she is your baby and your MIL needs to respect that

havingastress Mon 07-Jan-13 18:45:01

Sooo...a little update. We survived Christmas. Spent a day with the IL's which was actually not that bad, The dogs were put away and she held her tongue! However, now that Christmas is over, she is at it again!!

She's telling me that I'm feeding DD too often and too much. Also that there must be something wrong with her because she goes 3-4 days between poops.

So wise, she right?! She has 5oz of milk (formula) every 3-4 hours in the day, but will sleep from her 11pm feed until 6am most nights.

HV told me not to worry about going every 3-4 days as this is obviously just what's right for DD, but MIL is insistent something is wrong with her!

Jeezzz...this woman ;)

PoppyPrincess Mon 17-Dec-12 22:50:43

Sorry I didn't make it clear, the ear piercing was my DP's ex with his kids. Sorry that didn't involve the mil but its the same principle, I think both parents need to give permission to things not just a mother

havingastress Mon 17-Dec-12 18:33:43

lime thanks lime, I'll have a look smile I agree...some of the points ppl have made, you wouldn't believe them would you!

poppy omg, ear piercing? That is truly dreadful. Aside from the fact not her place to do it, and aside from how chavvy/otherwise it can look, bloody hurts! Why would you put a baby through that especially when the mother knows nothing about it. WORSE didn't even get a professional to do it! Blazing wouldn't be the word.

Oh. I wouldn't say you were precious about hair, even if you are. I think the first haircut is a milestone moment, one that surely should be reserved for mum imo.

pessarypam I know I know..I shouldn't care...I've spent far too much of my adult life caring what people think. I've actually made her a lovely Christmas present, a photo album with some b+w photos in of DD..far too bloody nice for how crap she's been to me actually!

PoppyPrincess Mon 17-Dec-12 17:47:26

I agree I think I would kill anybody if they went near a hair on either of my children's heads (apart from a hairdresser of course), DS is 3 and if even his dad took him for a haircut without my say so I'd be upset. Me a control freak? Never! Lol

It was the little girl's first haircut btw, if she'd maybe just had it trimmed she could maybe be forgiven but not chopping it all off! Criminal. I am quite precious about hair though so I think that's why it would bother me so much.

DP and I were even pissed off when his ex cut his dd's hair short without asking him first and she pierced his DS's ear (by herself). It looked dreadful but surely before you put holes in a child both parents should consent to it? Oh and she did his dd's ears when she was a baby when DP had firmly said not a chance in hell. Very common in my opinion and I think it's just tight on the baby, I don't think as adults we have the right to put holes in them, scar them and cause them pain when they're not old enough to make a decision for themselves.

Anyway that's not about mil's, but just more a point that I think both parents should have control over what happens to their kids body/hair etc

LimeLeafLizard Mon 17-Dec-12 17:19:35

hello havingastress I posted near the top and have been following your thread. A couple of examples you and others have posted would be quite funny if they weren't so awful.

I think elizaregina makes some interesting points. From what you've said, your MIL does seem to have boundary issues... a few times I've though she sounds a bit narcissistic. Growing up with a mother like this is likely to have affected your DH to at least some extent - even if he rejects the idea of counselling maybe reading a bit about this subject might help. I know a lot of people who recommend reading 'toxic parents' and personally I found 'when you and your mother can't be friends' to be helpful.

PessaryPam Mon 17-Dec-12 15:54:30

havingastress Dog allergy - you're right. TBH it's pretty bad anyways, but I'm willing to suck it up just for one day so I don't look like the bitch unreasonable DIL she thinks I am..but I think it will have to have got significantly worse so that we can only stay the 6 hrs or so!!

Why does it matter if you do look like an unreasonable DIL? Your DH knows you aren't. So who cares what she thinks?

havingastress Mon 17-Dec-12 15:45:55

(I remember my own mum telling me that her MIL had cut my brother's hair, first haircut when he was two! So obviously, this type of thing happens a lot, and seemingly some crazy crazy grandmas don't realise it's not their decision to make!)

havingastress Mon 17-Dec-12 15:44:55

poppy I actually think i would kill MIL if she cut DD's hair! Hence why she is never ever ever having time alone with her! (for the foreseeable future!)

havingastress Mon 17-Dec-12 15:44:17

It's incredibly supportive to know that I"m not alone here and that people do get/understand where I am coming from.

DH said today it's just tough if his mother kicks off that we are spending christmas with my mum and dad. His SIL and husband are spending christmas with mil and their 5 month old baby (so mils first grandchild) so as DH said, well her daughter has gone to hers for Christmas, so she should understand that you want to spend dd's first christmas with your mum.

Ironically, we quizzed MIL the other day about SIL's husbands mother - i.e. does nephew stay overnight with her. And MIL replied (legendary!!) with ,

No, I don't trust his mother to have him. I'm 'Sarah's mother therefore 'Joshua' is more my child than hers' (names changed!!!)

In other words, she thinks that herself, but then doesn't see why I'm closer to my own mum than her and happy to leave DD with my mum and not her!

Laughable really! I'm actually storing this one up to use as ammo!

PoppyPrincess Mon 17-Dec-12 15:00:03

My friend's mil looks after her DC a couple of days a week whilst she works and one day she had dd's (about 18 months old) hair chopped off! Didn't ask, didn't even mention she was thinking about, just thought she would get her shoulder length hair cut really short like a boy. My friend is devastated! I could imagine my mil doing something like that. She's even booked foreign holidays for her other DGC without thinking to run it past their mum first!
I think she means well but I do think there's some boundary issues.

DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou Mon 17-Dec-12 14:46:53

Mil had ds for a couple of hours twice when he was tiny. Both times I came back to find her changing him out of outfits she'd kept from when her youngest dd was a baby. His clothes were clean, there was a full outfit in the change bag.

Turns out it was a symptom ofhuge problems with boundaries and appropriateness, and ds at nearly 9 years doesn't spend time with her alone till he's old enough to be told why.

elizaregina Mon 17-Dec-12 13:38:53


I wonder if you would benefit from a " relate" session to help your DH see that he now has to unlatch from his mum - a very difficult task if he has been bullied and cajoled and controlled his whole life by her - how to deal with her - and how to put up boundaries to protect your family unit ....

He says " ignore" her but she is pretty hard to ignore and it sounds like she is alwas in touch and sulking and calling and skyping,,,she is still very much controlling things.

A relate counsillor may hhelp him get her in persepective and how to support you more as wlel...

PoppyPrincess Mon 17-Dec-12 13:29:48

I'm not leaving my house on Christmas Day, if anybody wants to see us then our front door will be open all day and they will be greeted with a hug and a glass of champagne. But I am spending my day cooking, drinking wine, tripping over boxes, trying to calm a hyper toddler relaxing in my own home.
I'd be tempted to say your car has broken down and you can't go anywhere but they're welcome to visit you, there's even a travelodge down the road! Don't let them stay over at yours, that would be even worse!

AmberSocks Mon 17-Dec-12 13:05:34

just say no you dont want toleave her yet,shes too young.say it nicely,as if its no big deal and wouldnt crossyour mind toleave her with anyone else.

elizaregina Mon 17-Dec-12 12:59:06


I think your DH needs to really stand up the plate here and let his DM know - that her behaviour is absolutly not acceptable.

Its NOT to late to cancel a visit there.

Isnt he really upset that she has been so rude and dismissve your condtiion and well being>? He tells her you have been to hospital - should she - as well as sending her love to you - also be " comnforting" and supporting him??????????And reasurring him?>>

Or does he just realise that she doesnt seem keen on you or that she is selfish - either - or any way - you have been through an ordeal - and you dont need this extra stress.

HE should be shielding you from all this - in light of her personality she should have been knocked out of the xmas equation as soon as it was apparent you had a tough dont need this hanging over you! someone like that shoving her greedy wants on you!

He should simply tell her - its too much for you - your very sorry but you thought you could make it - but you are physically not up to it and you need to be supported and cared for.....

If she finds out you are going to your mums - the WOMAN WHO CARES TRUELLY FOR YOU - tell her that!!

Yes - Having needs to be in an environment where she is cared for and thats with her parents - THEY didnt make any demands on her - THEY understood she had been through a nasty delivery and the demands of a new born AND THEY are also going through A TOUGH TIME.

YET they were also able to still put having and the baby FIRST.

why oh why oh why put yurself thorugh this - as a matter of principle i really dont think you shoudl go!

IF she said " nonsense of course i care about having" you have a whole LIST of times/examples of how she doesnt give a shit about you!!!

Whocansay Mon 17-Dec-12 12:13:52

Just don't go to her over Xmas. Send dh on his own. Its just going to be really stressful for you, especially as you're still recovering. I do agree with whoever suggested upthread about having an 'intervention' on Skype with your DH and telling her to back off.

And make sure when you Skype dd is wearing something that MIL bought. Dyed blue.

poocatcherchampion Mon 17-Dec-12 11:46:34

My 9 mo has not been left without me for one night yet, not even with dh. I'm fine with that and you can be too!

CecilyP Mon 17-Dec-12 11:35:49

OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but just wanted to add that what your MiL is asking you to do is not normal. Even if she was the nicest, most reliable woman with a safe home and no dogs, it would still not be normal to drive for 2 hours, leave your baby, drive 2 hours back home, drive 2 hours back the next day, collect your baby, and drive baby 2 hours back home. You do not need to give reasons or excuses or put her off for the time being, it is perfectly alright for it not to happen at all - ever!

In fairness to your MiL, she may inhabit a world where girls have babies very young, often while still living at home, or as far away as the next street and, in these cases, the line between Mum and Gran can become a little blurred. Your circumstances are entirely different, and your MiL does not seem bright enough to realise the difference.

PoppyPrincess Mon 17-Dec-12 09:58:23

I definitely think its an animal instinct, I HATE it when another woman has been holding my baby and then she smells of the woman's perfume. I have to give her a bath! when MIL has changed dd's clothes she washes them and then I have to wash them again so they smell of my detergent and my house. That's just like animals rubbing their own scent on their babies.

I think in my case I know that she had wanted a little girl but got 2 boys so I think it's nice for her to have a baby girl to look after and I think most women love dressing little girls up. Maybe if we'd had a boy she wouldn't be so OTT.

Mytimewillcome Mon 17-Dec-12 09:15:28

So understand where you are coming from. It must be the animal instinct in us to keep our children close. It must be there for a reason as its a natural instinct! Don't go against your instincts. I can't believe they can't remember what it was like. They just seem to put their own needs before ours.

Just an example of mother's instinct. I always thought the same as you about my MIL. But of course she denied it and her family denied it so in turn made me doubt myself. She said when it looked like I might have to go back to work when DS1 was 6 months (I didn't in the end luckily) to leave him with them indefinitely. They live 4 hours away! She denied saying this afterwards (gaslighting). Fast forward a year and I saw on Gransnet that she had written 'Some children prefer their grandparents to their parents' and then used my son to illustrate her point! It was at his birthday party and I was breastfeeding DS2 every 2 hours so I wasn't spending as much time 'at the party' and so he spent alot of time with them.

Mother's instinct is there for us to protect our children and our relationship with our children above anyone else. Just think of yourself as a lioness! If you leave your baby with her I would think you would feel incredibly guilty later. Its just not worth it for someone like her. Wait until you are ready.

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