Advanced search not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

(299 Posts)
havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 20:48:40

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments smile

tomatoplantproject Tue 11-Dec-12 21:19:22

Yadnbu - I have a 5 week old and have only left her for at the very longest 1 hour whilst getting my hair done, and then with her full of milk, fast asleep and 5 mins away. I would only leave her with dh or my mum - I would feel wrong leaving her with anyone else and she would go bananas if I wasn't around.

Also your mil is very different to your own mum. I feel like I can tell mum what I want and be completely honest without ruining our relationship - and just couldn't say the same things to mil without hurting her feelings.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 11-Dec-12 21:19:39

Yep, broken record technique.

"No, I'm sorry, I don't want to."

Or a similar phrase.

To make it completely effective you have to repeat the exact same phrase, any deviation you start to get drawn into arguments. Don't justify, don't reason, don't explain.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby smile

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:19:57

Dh, whilst lovely, finds confrontation with his mother hard, so basically just ignores her. This is obviously maddening and I'm trying to get him to get some balls and bloody tell her the score rather than just pretend it's not happening.

Oh. and No, I haven't left DD overnight with anyone! Not even my own parents! Really really not ready to be apart from her!

RacHoHoHog Tue 11-Dec-12 21:20:13

Yanbu, my Mil has had her other grandchildren over night since they were.a few months old, including dp's daughter from a previous relationship. Still no chance that my ds will be going. My children have their own beds in their own home and no reason to sleep anywhere else.

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 21:20:22

God she sounds ridiculously broody,wanting your baby for herself.

You are perfectly normal,and well within your rights,to not want to loan your baby out.

Just keep saying 'thanks,but no'.She'll still keep pestering you but she'll eventually cop on. (What age group is she,btw?Part of me is wondering has she just passed the age of having babies herself and is being hormonally pulled.Although that might be just a random theory,I often have them smile )

ZenNudist Tue 11-Dec-12 21:21:45

Just take your dh's advice & ignore her. At least he's not trying to support your MIL. I'm interested to know if you'd be happy to be separated overnight from your dd if your dm looked after her? I wasnt away overnight from ds til he was 9mo, and then he was with dh. Now I very occasionally leave him with ILs for the odd wedding. I don't want to be separated from my child any more than I have to be. I have a baby sitter for the odd Saturday night out wuth dh. That's it.

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:23:40

HildaO She's 54. Had four kids herself. Apparently an 'expert' (well she has told me I'm wrong about everything so far, had this all the way through the pregnancy and then the first time she held baby spent the entire time saying 'Don't listen to your mum she doesn't know what she's talking about' (and words to that effect) !!

It's the 'when am I going to see my baby' that really gets me.

Erm. No, she's our baby! Not yours!

MyLittleAprilSunshine Tue 11-Dec-12 21:24:10

Urgh, I dread my fiances mother being like this when our baby is really young and I will too, have to put my foot down. I just couldn't part with her and she's not even born yet, so imagine my feelings will be even stronger.

Surely she doesn't want to upset your baby. A baby knows when her Mum is stressed and she'll be awkward all night because of it.

Driving 2 hours just to drop her off too seems really ridiculous!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 11-Dec-12 21:24:11

Just say: "When she's old enough to travel to you on the train you can have her on her own overnight. For as long as we have to drive 2 hours to bring her to you then you get at least one of her parents with her."

ArkadyRose Tue 11-Dec-12 21:24:42

I'm with NutellaNutter - time to use the broken record approach. Whatever you do, don't try and mollify her by suggesting you'll think about it in perhaps 6 months or so - just put your foot down and say "No, that is not going to happen, please change the subject." And if she pushes it, either hang up the phone or, if it's in person, get up and leave the room. Make sure your DH is onside - if MIL is getting too pushy, agree between the two of you that that is the signal to get up and leave.

And it's completely not on that she expects you to do all the visiting but won't make an effort to visit you. I'd cut the visits right back if I were you until she starts shifting her lazy-arse behind and reciprocating visits.

havingastress Tue 11-Dec-12 21:24:45

Zen No, wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her overnight with my mum, even though totally totally trust her obviously. Just far too soon.

Revengeofkarma Tue 11-Dec-12 21:25:07

You are absolutely in the right here. But you shouldn't be having this conversation with her.

Your husband should. And firmly.

It doesn't matter she's set up a room.

It doesn't matter she wants to do it.

It doesn't matter about her grandson.

You are the child's mother and father and you say no. And that is the end of the discussion. There will be no more discussion. If she wants to talk about something else the call can continue. If not? Phone goes down.

Loislane78 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:26:46

It would be lunacy to leave a 5 week old OVERNIGHT without its mum!! WTF MIL!!!! shock. Imagine how upset the poor thing would get, different smells, noises, it's mum missing sad

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving mums a break and a night out but she is being incredibly unreasonable even asking at this stage.

There's no need for a scene; just say politely but assertively - thanks so much for the offer. Right now it will be best for me and LO to stay at home with him being so small and me only 5 weeks post birth. We'll visit when we can.

Having a baby isn't a community activity where everyone gets to have a go feeding etc. nice to have the offer of help, it really is, but v surprised at her asking tbh. My (nice) MIL asks permission to pick my daughter up at 16 wks, completely trust her but think she's trying to be polite.

GL smile

Pinkflipflop Tue 11-Dec-12 21:27:19

I haven't read the whole thread but my first reaction to the title was that I would laugh in the face of anyone who suggested I leave my five week old baby overnight!!

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 21:28:38

'MY baby??? She calls your baby my baby???

Run girl,run.Do not give in to this,you'll have a lifetime of power struggles with her if you do.

Invite her for an overnight visit to yours,and let her settle for that or sit at home sulking

LiegeAndLief Tue 11-Dec-12 21:29:36

I have a six year old that I wouldn't leave with my MIL for an hour, never mind overnight. I wouldn't have left a five week old baby with anyone, no matter how capable they were. I just wouldn't have wanted to leave them. Just say no. Repeatedly if necessary.

AmayaBuzzbee Tue 11-Dec-12 21:31:38

Your MIL is insane! Baby needs her mum with her and you need her! Over my dead body would I have left my DD overnight with anybody at that age. She is 16mths now, and the only night she spent away from me (or DH) was when she was looked after by my parents on our wedding night at 8 months (and even then we were only 5min away, and with her first thing in the morning).

Just say no, it isn't going to happen for several months yet. You are her mother, you do not need any reason to say no. You need to stick up for your DD, if she could communicate I am sure she would only want to be with you. She needs you.

And even when she is older, I'd be worried about those dogs. No way would I leave even a toddler in anybody's care for longer periods of time in those circumstances. I am a dog lover, and am hence well aware that animals can be unpredictable, especially with toddlers in the mix.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Tue 11-Dec-12 21:31:46

You don't get on with MIL so why would you leave your baby with her?
You trust your mum more than MIL which is understandable given circumstances.
Just tell her (if you're brave enough- totally understand if not!) 'the baby is not staying over night. I'll let you know when she is' then you decide. She is your baby, not MIL's. You set the rules. Glad to hear DH is on board.

teacher123 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:37:58

It's only now that DS is 7 1/2 months old that I'm even close to considering leaving him overnight with anyone else. Even though the Inlaws only live 15 mins away, we stay with them fairly regularly so that we can have nice dinners with them etc and so that DS gets used to staying at their house. We've been invited to a child free wedding in August when DS will be nearly 18 months old, and I will be going on a hen do just after his first birthday (leaving him with DH) but I think that will be the first time we leave him. At 5 weeks I couldn't BEAR to be apart from him. DH used to take him out for a walk so I could rest and I'd be frantic. Just keep saying no. And laugh and say 'of course I won't be leaving him overnight!'

As an aside, who would VOLUNTARILY put themselves through the non sleeping hell that is a 5 week old baby if they didn't have to???!

Oblomov Tue 11-Dec-12 21:38:37

Of course op's mil insisting on a 5 wk old stating overnight with mil is truelt ridiculous.
BUT I also think its ridiculous that many people on the thread didn't let their children stay overnight as toddlers - 2 or 3.9 seems very old to not be able to stay overnight with someone they trust. It seems so PFB. Why would you not? Do you think harm is going to come to them. It is something I do have trouble understanding.

YouOldTinsellySlag Tue 11-Dec-12 21:39:10

*You are absolutely in the right here. But you shouldn't be having this conversation with her.

Your husband should. And firmly.

It doesn't matter she's set up a room.

It doesn't matter she wants to do it.

It doesn't matter about her grandson.

You are the child's mother and father and you say no. And that is the end of the discussion. There will be no more discussion. If she wants to talk about something else the call can continue. If not? Phone goes down.*

That's exactly what I was going to say ^

If you are feeling pressured, your DH MUST step in.It's NO. It stays NO, and no argument that she will come up will change that. She needs to be told that not only is it NO, but to stop asking. You really do need to get your DH to take teh pressure and it needs to come from him.

She is crazy. At five weeks I didn't even like people HOLDING my baby for very long, let alone having him overnight- he was 3yo before we did that!

YouOldTinsellySlag Tue 11-Dec-12 21:39:40

why doesn't bold ever work when you cut and paste? maddening.

Inertia Tue 11-Dec-12 21:39:49


You don't need reasons either. Just 'no' is enough.

I couldn't bear to be apart from my babies for more than a few minutes at 5 weeks. DD wad 18m when she first stayed away overnight, and that was with MIL who I trust completely.

Disappearing Tue 11-Dec-12 21:42:17

Wow... my DC were over 4 years old before they stayed overnight without me. I wouldn't bow down to her pushiness. She's being completely bonkers about it. a 5 week old wouldn't understand that you were coming back, I imagine it could be stressful for everyone involved, I expect you're still doing night feeds, night nappy changes etc. Why would she want that confused?!

RayanneGraff Tue 11-Dec-12 21:43:09

YANBU, your MIL sounds dreadful and deluded tbh.

I would struggle to leave my 16 week old with anyone except DH. My 3 year old wasn't left overnight until he was 2 (in his own home, with my parents).

Just say

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