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to tell my friend not to come to stay over xmas because she divulged confidential private info?

(81 Posts)
gnocci Mon 10-Dec-12 11:59:42

I have a friend who I used to work with and we remained close after we both went our separate ways. She is due to come and stay with us over xmas.

Anyway I found out last week that she has spilled a very very personal and damaging piece of information that I told her in the utmost confidence as I needed someone to talk to. I need to be quite vague but it is info about someone in my immediate family that would likely ruin my professional reputation (by association) and put the security of my family and children at risk. Worse than this, the person she told is in my profession!!!

I was on a night out and this person told me they knew and that she had told her. I felt sick and humiliated and asked her about it but she denied it (of course). I didnt say they had said she had told them as I wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible (she was there and was the one who had invited me!!! Knowing full well this person knew! I felt sick that I had been happily socialising and she'd made a total fool of me).

I dont think I can face her. She clearly has no idea how serious this is. I dont know what to do sad I dont even know how to re-open the subject and tackle it now.

gnocci Thu 13-Dec-12 12:44:16

PS I am going to namechange now as worried about being outed. I promise I will continue to read your replies. THank you for all your responses.

izzyizin Thu 13-Dec-12 12:55:36

What impact, if any, has this disclosure had on your professional reputation?

Now that the number of those in the know has increased by one third, what can be done to ensure that the information goes no further?

It seems to me that if you end your relationship with your loose-tongued friend she may see no need to keep your secret - not that she's done a wonderful job so far but, presumably, you'll have more chance of damage limitation if you keep her onboard and onside.

As the the Mafia has it, keep your friends close and your enemies closer... and don't make the mistake of thinking that friends can always be trusted to have your best interests at heart.

TheProvincialLady Thu 13-Dec-12 13:14:29

I have an entire family full of convicted paedophiles, armed robbers, fraudesters etc. I am the least likely looking person you could meet to be related to such people. But even though I work in a job where integrity is everything, I refuse to be personally ashamed of these relatives - their crimes are not my crimes. I often feel that in these cases, being open is the best policy. For example, a politician whose brother was a paedophile would be better off making a statement to the press than to wait for someone to find out and for the media to run with the story, which s/he then reacts to.

If I were you I would plan a way of divulging your 'secret' to your colleagues and peers in an official way that makes it clear that you are not associated with and do not condone the actions of the relative involved.

gettingeasier Thu 13-Dec-12 13:27:40

Oh dear this must be very upsetting OP.

I agree say "Look lets let things settle down and see where we are in the New Year ". Gives you time to think about it.

Is she a very good friend and this is out of character ? Does she realise the seriousness of this information?

See you feel out of the heat of the moment

waltermittymistletoe Thu 13-Dec-12 15:28:46

Well in that case she was just being horribly gossipy and that's awful for you.

I wonder if, as a PP said, you'd be better off going 'public' with it yourself? Not to the press but to colleagues/peers so that it's not a horrible shock if they find out?

This boss of hers, will he be discreet?

I also agree that you shouldn't be punished for the sins of your family however if you are a politician or well-known person I know that wont be the case for you.

Maybe speak to a discreet publicist too if you feel there's a chance it would get out?

lookingfoxy Thu 13-Dec-12 15:49:04

Your right to disassociate from her, one friend in particular of mine knows things about me that could destroy my life as I know it.
I have never doubted that I can trust her. We have fell out, had a physical fight (years ago blush ), been drunk and outrageous and yet I have never once felt she would ever divulge my secrets which she has held for nearly 20 years.
I know some unpleasant stuff about her, but she told me in strictest confidence and she was hurting, I would never hurt or humiliate her that way by revealing these things.
She is the first person I call when something major happens and vice versa even if we haven't spoken in 6 months.
Your friend is not a friend.

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