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to ask you all to give my sister a kick up the bum

(36 Posts)
DefiniteMaybe Mon 10-Dec-12 02:18:22

Today is my sister's 21st birthday. She has a 9 month old baby. Tonight her boyfriend got smashed out of his face on alcohol and drugs, told her he wanted to see his son right now and when she said no he smashed her living room window.
Luckily she was at my house when all this was going on so no real danger to her and my nephew this time, but her boyfriend thought she was in her house.
We called the police, they came out and she refused to make a statement or press charges because he has previous convictions and she doesn't want him to go to prison because she wants him there for their son.
I've told her my opinion but I don't think she believes me. I will show her this thread so she can get her kick up the bum.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Tue 11-Dec-12 14:17:51

Please contact social services, that child is at risk.

A friend of mine did contact the police, and did everything as she was told she should... Her child will be being adopted in the new year.

OP's sister: I am the same age as you. I have a three year old. I know it is tough being a young mum, but you do not need a prick like this to validate or 'help' you. He is a risk to you and your son. Please, put your baby first. Get away from this man.

Call the police, and protect your child, or you will loose him.

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithHugh Tue 11-Dec-12 14:12:32

OP if she won't help her son it is up to you to do it now. And you are letting him down if you don't. And you will regret it when he does hurt one of them

Longtalljosie Tue 11-Dec-12 11:43:15

You could ask the police to refer?

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings Tue 11-Dec-12 11:38:15

My sister had 2 children by an abusive, drug using, alcoholic. He beat her up one Christmas because she slipped on the ice & broke her wrist. She still didn't leave. She didn't believe she deserved more because she had been bullied I think.

Her (LA) house was awful - a health hazard to her 2 children. She still didn't leave. Her eldest showed evidence of being affected by the abuse. She still didn't leave.

Finally, he gave her hepatitis A which he'd picked up at his druggy 'mates' house. She was hospitalised and my parents looked after the kids. When she left hospital, she didn't return to him.

Only she knows why that was the final straw & let her get free.

Ask your sister, OP, what it would take for her to realise this isn't a good man to be around. If she still refuses to see it, you'll just have to be there for her & support her, until she has her epiphany. You can't MAKE her see sense...

Bogeyface Tue 11-Dec-12 11:29:36

Dear DefiniteMaybe's Sister

Grow up.

You are a mother now, not some feckless child who only has themselves to worry about. You son needs you to look after him and you are not doing that. A violent man will always be violent and yes, there will be another time, and another and another. Next time it could be your face, or your sons.

If you want to waste your life with this loser then go ahead, knock yourself out. But don't take your son down that road with you. Don't be so fucking selfish as to ruin his life just because you haven't got the sense to get rid of this dickhead. If you cant be a good mother to him, then he will be removed from you. You could lose your son because you didn't protect him from an abusive man.

Is that the sort of person you are? So selfish that you would put your own son's safety below a man who gets drunk, takes illegal drugs and is violent? The sort of person who would risk having their child taken into care because you care more about your happiness than his?

Get a grip and do right by your son, before the choice is taken away from you.


Bogeyface, who knows first hand the damage that abusive relationships and families can cause.

blackeyedsusan Tue 11-Dec-12 11:20:31

if she can not take responsibility and protect her son, social care will take a diom view of her parenting. school wiill take a dim view of her parenting. it is an absolute pain to have sc involved due to a violent partner. sc put the responsibility on the non-risky parent to protect the children... if you do not then it will go to case conference and children can be put on the at risk register.

it is a pain to be having to attend meetings at school every few weeks re your children because their dad is violent.

it is terrible to have to tell your gp about their father smacking inappropriately and consequent sc involvement.

it is a opain to have to wonder hether any violent behaviourt from your boy is copied from their father. it is distressing to see your daughter following typical patterns of behaviour for girls from vio,lent families.

sod all the info on children from one parent families. being from a violent family is worse, and much more damaging to the children. being raised in a happy stable one parent family is preferable to being raised in a violent family.

LemonBreeland Tue 11-Dec-12 11:18:39

Does she want ss to take her baby away from her because they will have the sense to see he should not be around this man. Father or not, he is not a good person to be around the baby.

waltermittymistletoe Tue 11-Dec-12 11:17:03

You need to report her to SS.

She's failing him. If she was trying to get away from this abuser or even taking steps to realise he is an abuser then my advice would be different. But you want a kick up the arse so here it is:

She is letting her son down. Badly.

She is prioritising the wants of a prick over the needs of an innocent baby.

Her job is to protect and care for her DS. She is not willing to do her job correctly.

She doesn't deserve him. He deserves a mother who will do right by him.

Report her and give this child a fighting chance of a normal, well adjusted and happy home life.

EverythingsDozy Tue 11-Dec-12 11:12:13

I would think that an absent father is potentially better than an abusive one.
He will do it again. Can you phone SS and let them know that you (or a family member) will take DNephew so if, god forbid, he is taken, it isn't to a strange place and it is with family?
I hope your sister comes round and sees sense for the sake of everyone

Loislane78 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:51:39

If you know he smokes weed (which is illegal lest we forget) and know where he lives; I'd be inclined to make a tip off to police and see what happens. Tough shit if he's got previous; doesn't sound like he's been rehabilitated one bit and he is a danger to society as well as your poor nephew with a temper like that.

Remembering the story of that lady who was blinded recently by her abusive partner...

susanann Tue 11-Dec-12 10:30:46

everybody is saying the same thing, inform ss. she may hate you for it now but you must do it. Im assuming she loves him so she wont see things clearly. you must act. good luck, I know it wont be easy for you.

sue52 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:22:56

If the police won't inform social services then you should think about informing them youself for the sake of your nephew. Your sister isn't thinking straight and needs you to act for her.

DefiniteMaybe Tue 11-Dec-12 09:36:58

She just doesn't believe us. Shes said he is still dnephews dad, she won't keep him away.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Mon 10-Dec-12 12:44:14

He is responsible for his own behaviour - not her. He has done criminal damage and deserves to be punished. He is obviously not a good role model - a million miles from it! Does your sister really want her son to grow up knowing that you can abuse someone and get away Scot free? Does she really want an abusive father for her children? Madness.

lotsofdogshere Mon 10-Dec-12 12:35:11

I'm surprised the police aren't informing children's services, as in our force area it's mandatory that if police are called out to domestic abuse, and there are children, they inform children's services. Children's services may only be able to visit and make sure she has information about refuges, impact of living with domestic abuse on babies, including on their brain development. But they should be informed so they can visit/invite her in, to talk through the issues and stress the risks to her baby.

Calabria Mon 10-Dec-12 11:53:21

True story - A family member had a friend who refused to leave her abusive husband as it would ruin his career (he was a doctor).

She finally left when her 15 year old son beat her up. But the damage was already done and the boy thinks it's ok to batter people.

aamia Mon 10-Dec-12 10:58:15

She needs to ltb - and get away so he can' t find her.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 10-Dec-12 10:43:12

I would inform them myself too. Why would she want someone who's a violent pot head around her baby??

If she'd actually been in the house as he thought what would have happened?

WilsonFrickett Mon 10-Dec-12 10:15:37

The police did say last night that ss wouldn't be informed

Then inform them. Your nephew is seriously at risk of domestic violence. Phone SS.

MurderOfGoths Mon 10-Dec-12 10:12:55

"He won't do this again."

Bet she thought that before he smashed the window in too.

What does she think he was going to do once he'd smashed the window in if she had been at home? Suddenly calmed down and been all sweetness and light?

DefiniteMaybe Mon 10-Dec-12 10:10:47

The police did say last night that ss wouldn't be informed.

DefiniteMaybe Mon 10-Dec-12 10:09:58

Well I've shown her this thread and it's gone straight over her. She doesn't believe that he will hurt the baby. He won't hurt her. He won't do this again.
It's so infuriating that she just won't see it. He treats her like shit and is only interested in smoking weed.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 10-Dec-12 09:12:21

Good point Ohlimp - the OP's sister may find social services are sent note of this through the police if sis refuses to press charges as her and baby are at risk.

YourHandInMyHand Mon 10-Dec-12 09:10:59

Like Doing I grew up with an abusive father and I'm as angry at my mum as I am at him, perhaps more so at my mum. We kids cried with RELIEF when they eventually split (way too late but better than never splitting).

The drinking binges were as damaging as his moods. We were all on edge wondering what drunken mood he'd be in. I knew from a very young age what beer was and was wary if I saw people holding one. sad

And just to be clear - we never saw or heard him smash anything, it was growing up with this uncertainty in the air that was more damaging than the smacks and actual moods.

Children should feel SECURE in their home, and feel secure that their mum and dad are SAFE and trustworthy people. Living in the opposite situation is so damaging and at 30 I'm still struggling with growing up with such a dysfunctional father around.

I really hope your sis realises her and her son deserve so much better than this. She should press charges, she needs to think about how best she can take this situation and set the right example to her son. She should also think carefully about the fact that if she presses charges it will support her in getting appropriate contact for her son - for example supervised set contact.

OhlimpPricks Mon 10-Dec-12 08:42:45

She IS NOT responsible for him, his behaviour, or the the consequences he faces.

If she does not protect her son from potential abuse, then Social Services will. By refusing to co-operate in allowing the authorities to take action she is effectively condoning his behaviour and telling everyone that she is happy to subject her baby to this danger.

Be blunt with her. Does she want her son to be a newspaper headline? Is he going to be the next baby reported with countless injuries and/or death. If he drinks or takes drugs, smashing things up, he won't know the difference between a window and his baby's skull.

To be honest, if it were my sister, the priority would be my nephew. He can't make the decisions like she can. I would seriously consider alerting the authorities.

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