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to ask if you think you have been overlooked because of your perceived lack of wealth?

(160 Posts)
suebfg Sun 09-Dec-12 21:58:18

I didn't used to think that this sort of thing existed (maybe I am too naive) but since DS started at school, I feel as if I have been bypassed by a few people because I don't wear certain clothes, drive a fancy car etc. Are people really so shallow?

People are attracted to people like them- its not meant personally. It's tiny, infinitesimal things that attract people. We often don't know what's going on, on a conscious level.

Adversecalendar Sun 09-Dec-12 22:05:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imaginethat Sun 09-Dec-12 22:06:46

It absolutely exists but truly if you were not bothered by status, you probably wouldn't notice being "overlooked"

suebfg Sun 09-Dec-12 22:10:16

I don't think you need to be status driven to feel a bit cast out.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 09-Dec-12 22:17:54

My mum hasn't visited me in about 8 years because I live in social housing so that attitude certainly does exist. The biggest laugh? She visits my sister who lives locally to me but has an EX-council house. An even bigger laugh? Mum herself lives in an ex-council house.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sun 09-Dec-12 22:18:33

In what way do you think you have been bypassed?

Are you sure it's that you are been bypassed, and not that people have just gravitated to others they think will be more like them?

And what makes you think that you are being bypassed because you don't dr e the right car or wear the right clothes? Could it be something else about you?

Needingsomeadvice Sun 09-Dec-12 22:20:18

No, I agree. I am completely unfussed by status and just try to chat in a friendly way to whoever is happy to chat, but it still rankles when I am being completely ignored by certain individuals. I have no idea why, and I wouldn't care, except that I worry tht it will affect the social life of my DS. I was kind of hoping that maybe when DD started at school it would be friendlier as I notice the girl mums tend to organise more stuff together, but my hope for that is fading, particularly as we now find that DD has ASD and so far the people I have mentioned it to (out of necessity) haven't really dazzled me with the way they have handled it sad.

Needingsomeadvice Sun 09-Dec-12 22:21:37

And yes, OP, i do think sadly that people can be highly shallow.

Fakebook Sun 09-Dec-12 22:22:19

Yes. Some people are THAT shallow. I've found out from personal experience from my bitch SIL. It's pathetic, but hey.

SkinnyMarinkADink Sun 09-Dec-12 22:23:35

Me and dh often talk about this sort of thing, We get the impression we are treated differently by professionals because we look young.

Dh is 26 i am 24, were married and have a comfortable life however when we go into hospitals or see 'professionals' we feel like we get shrugged off as being erratic or to young to understand, 2 examples..

Dd was 8 weeks old she had been crying for hours and something was just not right with her so i went to the Dr, she told me i was being stupid and that Dd was just doing what babies do, refused to check her over and sent me on my way saying she would tell my health visitor im not coping..

The very next day Dd was worse so i went to a&e and i found a lump, was in an ambulance with a groin hernia within half an hour taken to leicester hospital many miles away. We were told if i had found the hernia a day later she would of died.

Another more recent example.. i was in hospital and dh went to ask a nurse to take my canula off the machine so i could change from the clothes id worn for 2 days nearly, we waited 2 hours and he asked again before he was leaving the nurse told him there was more important people than him..

dh aunt pops to see me, she's very middle class and well to do type last she asked and they did it within minutes.

It does seem that certain people treat others with disregard, and there is a massive divide with class and people going by appearance when judging someone.

WorraLorraTurkey Sun 09-Dec-12 22:24:05

Some people really are that shallow but equally some people really are paranoid, and sometimes assume reasons why people aren't falling over themselves to socialise with them.

uptheamp Sun 09-Dec-12 22:24:43

people women are generally that shallow in certain social circles

sad thing is that probably their husbands bring in all the money and they don't really have that much to contribute to society other than an ability to lord it over others

doesn't make for long term friendships so you are prob best off our of it!

goralka Sun 09-Dec-12 22:27:14

my brother told me years ago that I was not rich enough to have an opinion...

BrawToken Sun 09-Dec-12 22:28:00

Fuck them. Seriously, you are better then that Sister. Hold your head high because you have your priorities right (I am assuming this is the case!). Do not let what you think other people think of you get you down. smile

ViperInTheManger Sun 09-Dec-12 22:30:03

I agree that this sort of thing happens OP. Mothers at one of DCs schools were never unpleasant but always rather aloof as I was working and didn't fit their "married well, walked the dogs wearing green wellies" brigade. I just wasn't one of them.

DowagersHump Sun 09-Dec-12 22:33:12

Some people really are that shallow but fuck 'em. Do you really want to be friends with people who judge you on how nice your car/clothes are?

suebfg Sun 09-Dec-12 22:36:06

Maybe I am being a little paranoid but it does tend to be a few flashy types who will literally turn their back on me when I join the group at the school gates or avoid eye contact. So I have assumed it is because I don't measure up. Funny thing is I do like nice things but I have different priorities now and being a working mum, I don"t always have a lot of time to spend on myself, shopping etc.

noisytoys Mon 10-Dec-12 07:19:36

I find the reverse is true in some cases too. My friends who have nothing the same as I have nothing are getting bitchy that I am making something of my life and going back to work. Little digs and comments hmm

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:25:22

If I have then I wouldn't notice- they are not the sort of people I like. I don't dress up for school runs, have no interest in cars other than wanting a reliable one that gets you from a to b.

olddogs Mon 10-Dec-12 07:29:57

yes, i agree.... I used to have this mental image of myself, and largely it was accurate.... based on my job etc

Now i have moved 300 miles and:
1 i'm seen as inferior because of my accent
2 I'm seen inferior because of my new job
3 Im seen as inferior becuase of my new salary

People and groups i would naturally graviate to, seem not to be welcoming (but maybe i ws like that when i was 'in')

TBH i dont mind. I really dont care. I have a lovely time in my life and am much happier now.

Its thier loss.... it really is!

I'm fab I am.

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:38:15

It is their loss olddogs- . The shallow 'in' crowd are generally boring - the 'out' individuals are far more interesting, once you get to know them.

SCOTCHandWRY Mon 10-Dec-12 07:45:45

People DO judge.

A few years ago, we expressed interest in a development of houses. When the show home opened, we were phoned several times by the sales staff, who were very keen to use the title "Dr scotch husband" as often as possible...

When we arrived for our appointment to view plans etc (it was also "open house" so there were a few people there), we were pointedly ignored when trying to catch the attention of the sales person - everyone else was dressed to the nines, and the cars to match - we had turned up in jeans and with a 12 year old car (cars are just not important to us!), we looked round the house ourselves an introduced ourselves on the way out - "Hi, we are Dr and Mrs Scotch, thanks for showing us round the development" and walked out - her jaw dropped.

Sugarbeach Mon 10-Dec-12 08:01:33

Hi suebfg, fancy seeing you here? It's Sugarbeach from expat woman! Hope all the research is going well.

Anyway, to answer your OP, yes a lot of the mums in private schools can be very snooty, and think they are better than others because they are obviously moneyed. This attitude was very acute in the prep school dd was in, located in affluent and leafy buckle would not believe a particular run in i had with a mum who asked me to reschedule my dd's birthday party , and all the drama and fallout.......anyway, as I always say, money does not buy class or manners.

I too have only really noticed this snobbery since dd started prep school.

BikeRunSki Mon 10-Dec-12 08:04:46

Yes, I have a group of friends who go away for the w/e, out for dinner and on foreign holidays several times. I turned down a couple of w/e trips due to cost (and we are never going to be in that league) and now I just don't get invited anymore. I don't mind, except for when I "accidentally" get copied into messages regarding arrangements.

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